


Goodnight Moon

by CassadyFlies



Category: No. 6 - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Consent Issues, Delusions, Drug Use, Hallucinations, Heroin, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, Schizophrenia, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-03-22 19:35:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 54,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13771071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassadyFlies/pseuds/CassadyFlies
Summary: Ten years after the fall, Nezumi returns to No. 6. His world is turned upside down when he realizes Shion isn't the person he once was. What's worse, Shion may not even recognize him for who he is.This story is based on my real life experiences with schizophrenia, as well as stories from friends of mine with the illness.





	1. In the great green room

The sun was dipping over the horizon of No. 6, scattering its final pink rays across the broken skyline where the remainder of the wall stood as a memorial to the way things used to be. Bridges had been built, both literally and figuratively, between the inside and the outside, trying to encourage development and integration around the city.

Still, things were far from perfect. It only took two glances to see the sharp class divide between the once inside and the once outside. The city was now a set of rings: the outermost being the new suburbs, the place where the middle class resided. It had been developed outside of the old outer district territory, and was a sprawling mess of driveways and cul de sacs forming a safety net around those who could afford it. Just inside the ring of suburbia lay the old outer districts. West Block still stood strong as the land of the slums, South as that of the farmers, North the miners, and East the factory workers. All four districts still were crime ridden and dirty, giving residency to the same people who had always lived there. There had been very little upward mobility since the wall had fallen. Inside the wall was Lost Town, now becoming gradually more gentrified to the point where the old residents were forced to the suburbs. And at the heart of the city lay Chronos, where the wealthiest still lived safe from crime and poverty.

Nezumi spat on the ground as he surveyed the land, wondering where to begin. It had been a decade since he’d been to the city, and he wondered if he was even still welcome. He hadn’t intended to stay away for so long, but… life got in the way.

A little girl brushed past him on the bridge between West Block and Lost Town.

“Are you a boy or a girl?” She looked up at him with wide eyes.

Nezumi blinked down at her. “I’m a boy. What a rude question.” He frowned as she continued to pout up at him. “What are you?”

She stuck out her hip. “I’m a gi-rl.” She made it into two syllables. “Duh. Why don’t you cut your hair?”

It was true, it had gotten so long that he had to be careful not to sit on it. “Mao boys don’t cut their hair.”

She mouthed the word. “I learned about them in school.”

Nezumi raised his eyebrows, surprised. “Is that right?” he asked skeptically.

“The Forest People and the Mountain People, right?” She grinned.

Thrown, Nezumi wasn’t sure what to say. “Y-yeah. That’s right. How do you-”

“Afra, come on!” A man’s voice called out.

“That’s my dad,” the little girl, Afra, explained. “Bye bye.”

“Bye…” Nezumi watched her bounce away, shaken. Who was teaching the kids about the Mao people? Things really had changed. Giving up on the idea of wandering around the town, Nezumi fished a little robot out of his pocket. “Go find your brother,” he instructed it before placing it on the floor where it scampered away. All the robot mice were connected and knew how to find each other across wide distances. Years ago, he’d given one to Inukashi. If she still had it, the mouse would find her within the hour. Much easier than searching the whole city for Shion.

Nezumi sat on the edge of the bridge and dropped his heavy backpack next to him with a sigh. He always felt floaty taking it off. He leaned his forehead against the railing and closed his eyes, dangling his feet over the edge. He’d been hiking all day, and he was exhausted. Hopefully he could find someone he knew and crash at their place for the night, otherwise he’d have to hike back into the forest to set up his camp.

A homeless man was shuffling across the bridge, talking to himself. “No, I’m sorry. They said it was good but I didn’t find time to answer the question they didn’t ask me.” He eyed Nezumi suspiciously.

“Hey, man.” Nezumi was used to homeless people. Hell, he was homeless himself. He camped in slums all the time, and had become accustomed to the schizophrenics and other lunatics who tended to frequent such places. They were harmless, more scared of themselves than hostile.

“Man, man, man. It’s all we are.” The homeless man plopped down on the bridge a few yards away from Nezumi.

“That’s true.” Nezumi nodded. “Nothing more nothing less.”

“What’s truth to a liar?” he muttered, sounding annoyed.

Nezumi laughed. “Not much, I don’t think.”

“Think, think, think. Even ants think.” He scowled out over the edge of the bridge. “And what’s a queen to one with no conception of queens? Just another empty one.”

Nezumi nodded, not sure how to respond. The man continued to babble on in this manner until the mouse returned. Nezumi checked the address written on a panel that opened up on its stomach and stood. “Alright, I’m off. Good talking to you.”

The man seemed surprised Nezumi was even there. “Street rat.”

Nezumi laughed. “You got me pegged.” He shrugged his backpack over his shoulder and took off. Round the wall, down the familiar path, and off to a little house in West Block that stood padlocked and cold-looking in the middle of two other houses. Nezumi whistled as he walked up to the front door and called out, “Swanky.”

A moment later, footsteps pattered up to the door and Inukashi’s voice called out, “No way get out!”

Nezumi snorted. “I have a question.”

“Go fuck yourself!”

“Whoa.” Nezumi grinned. “Just open the door, little miss vocabulary.”

“How did you find me?”

“You kept my present.” Nezumi set down his backpack and massaged his shoulders. “Come on, I’m exhausted. I’m just trying to find Shion.”

There was a long silence before the door creaked open a sliver and one large brown eye glared out at him. “Ten years.”

“Nice round number, though.”

“Ten years!” Inukashi repeated. “What makes you think he wants to see you?”

“What makes you think you speak for him?” Nezumi crossed his arms. “You must know where he lives.”

“Yep. Bye.” Inukashi tried to shut the door, but Nezumi swiftly stuck his foot in the way.

“Come on, let me in.” Nezumi bit back a sigh, getting annoyed. “I’m trying to keep a promise.” He shoved the door open, knocking Inukashi back.

“This is breaking and entering,” Inukashi complained, catching her footing.

“Yeah, well…” Nezumi stepped into the small house, looking around. It appeared to have three rooms: a living room/kitchen, which they were standing in, a bathroom that stood open, and what was probably a bedroom with the door shut. “Nice place you got here. How do you afford it?” He inspected the deep green wallpaper, which was peeling in places.

“...The hotel,” Inukashi explained reluctantly, face scrunched up in annoyance. “It’s a pretty big business now.”

Nezumi nodded, striding across the room. “Faaancy.” He hummed. “So. Where does Shion live?”

Inukashi didn’t answer. “Where are you staying?”

Nezumi shrugged. “Not sure. Not sure where he lives.”

“You’re not staying with him,” Inukashi insisted.

“What, are you his mother?” Nezumi scoffed. “Why ever not?”

“Because I said so!” Inukashi crossed her arms and glared. “Crawl back into the forest, Rat.”

Nezumi scowled. “What do you know?”

Inukashi looked surprised. “What do you mean?”

“Is something wrong? Did he say something?” Nezumi stalked up to Inukashi, scanning her face. “What do you know? You must know something if you don’t want me to see him.”

Inukashi hesitated. “He’s… moved on. It hurt him when you left. Really badly. I don’t want you to reopen that wound.”

That stung. “You’re saying he doesn’t want to see me anymore?”

“That’s right.” Inukashi looked up determinedly. “So go away.”

Nezumi glanced back at his backpack, which stood outside the front door. “Liar. Take me to him.”

Inukashi shook her head. “Is it really so hard to believe? Is your ego really so large you can’t accept he doesn’t want you?” She must have seen the hurt bleed through into Nezumi’s expression. “You can sleep on the couch if you want. I won’t kick you out onto the streets. For old times sake.”

Nezumi swallowed roughly. “He really doesn’t…?”

Inukashi looked away. “Yeah.”

Nezumi nodded. “Alright. I’ll leave tomorrow, then. No point staying if he doesn’t…” He cleared his throat. “But yeah, I’ll take the couch.” He blinked, and walked to grab his backpack. “Thanks…”

Inukashi looked at him pityingly. It was annoying. “Nezumi, I-”

Nezumi held up his hand. “Save it. It’s fine. I mean, I get it. I was gone a really long time.”

Inukashi nodded. “Ten years. Did you really think he’d wait that long?”

Nezumi shrugged. “I didn’t expect anything. But I really didn’t expect he wouldn’t even want to see me. Are you sure-”

“Yeah,” Inukashi said firmly. “Don’t go looking for him.”

“I won’t.” He sat down on the couch and tried not to sigh. “What’s… what’s going on? In his life.”

Inukashi hesitated. “He’s… doing fine. I dunno. Why do you care?”

Nezumi shrugged. “I’m older. Less cynical. More tired.”

“You talk like you’re an old man. You’re 26.”

“Am I?” Nezumi counted backwards. “I guess so. Well, that’s older than I ever thought I’d be.”

“What have you been up to?” Inukashi sat down in a chair across from him. “For a decade, alone in the woods.”

Nezumi grinned. “I went everywhere. Not just the forest. I visited every city, explored the oceans- did you know there’s still pirates? I was a pirate for a while. Stole a huge shipment of guns and other firearms from No. 3 headed to No. 1. After that I was an arms dealer, travelling the black market. That’s when things got crazy.”

“Crazier than pirating?” Inukashi raised an eyebrow.

“I did… bad things. To myself. I don’t remember huge chunks of time, but I know I was spiralling. I always assumed I’d wake up dead. Never did. Lucky me,” he added bitterly. “I saw lots of friends die. When the last of us finally kicked the bucket, I kicked the junk. Figured it was time to come back to No. 6 and say hello.”

“This was recent?” Inukashi asked, looking stunned.

Nezumi shrugged one shoulder. “Six months ago. Give or take. Haven’t been keeping track of time.” He shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. “Dunno why I’m telling you this.”

“Did you plan to tell Shion?”

“I didn’t plan on anything. Like I said, I had no expectations.” He looked away. “I wish…”

“Yeah.” Inukashi looked sad. “Me too.” She cleared her throat. “So… do you want dinner or something?”

Surprised, Nezumi sat up taller. “You’re offering me food?”

“Yeah. I mean, I have money now. And you don’t, I assume?” She looked him up and down.

Nezumi held up his hands. “I’d definitely appreciate a meal.”

“Well, I’m making beans, rice, and chicken. You can have some.” She stood and walked to the kitchen area. “And little Shion will be home soon.”

“Little…” Nezumi’s eyes widened in remembrance. “You kept the kid?”

Inukashi looked almost offended. “Of course I kept the kid. His name is Shion, and he’s eleven.”

Nezumi smiled. “Eleven… So he’s up and walking around now? Talking and everything.”

Inukashi shook her head. “Talking and everything… Yeah, he’s eleven  _ years,  _ not eleven months.”

Nezumi laughed. “Alright, fine.” He leaned back on the couch. “Eleven years old… I  _ am  _ an old man.”

Little Shion showed up some ten minutes later, as Nezumi was unpacking his blanket for the night. The kid froze in his tracks when he stepped through the door.

“Who’re you?” he asked bluntly.

Nezumi looked the kid up and down, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Hi. I’m Nezumi.”

Little Shion’s eyes opened wide. “O-oh.” He shut his mouth tight and backed up into the door.

“So you’ve heard of me.” Nezumi shook his head at the kid’s expression.

Little Shion nodded stiffly. “M-mom. Mom!” He scanned the room frantically.

Inukashi stepped out from the other room. “Hey. It’s okay, come talk to me.” She gestured him into the other room. He shuffled after her quickly, leaving Nezumi alone.

Nezumi frowned. “That’s rude, you know.”

They came back a moment later, little Shion’s eyes still wide as saucers. “I was at a friend’s house!” He exclaimed nervously.

“Okay…” Nezumi raised an eyebrow. “That’s not at all suspicious.”

Inukashi sighed. “Let’s just go eat dinner.”

They sat around the dinner table, an awkward silence falling between them. Nezumi tried to break it. “So, Shion. You’re in school, right?”

Little Shion nodded. “Yeah.”

“I talked to a little girl today who said she knew who the Mao people were. Did they teach you that in school?” He leaned forwards, curious.

“Yes.” Little Shion blinked.

Nezumi tried not to laugh at the kid’s awkwardness. “What exactly did they teach you?”

Little Shion looked to Inukashi for help. “Um… That-that… um…” He inhaled and exhaled anxiously. “I dunno. A lot of stuff.”

“A lot of stuff?” Nezumi hummed. “I didn’t know there was a lot of stuff left to learn.” He chuckled to himself as the kid squirmed in  his seat. “So how come you told him to lie to me, Inukashi?” He turned to her.

She froze with her fork halfway to her mouth. “Why don’t we just eat in silence?”

Nezumi held up his hands in mock surrender. “Your house, your rules.”

“That’s right.” Inukashi looked pleased. “And I’m feeding you, gutter rat. So play nice.”

“That’s true.” Nezumi stuffed his mouth and gave a thumbs up.

Inukashi sighed. “I’m regretting it already…”

They ate in silence, and the moment his plate was empty, little Shion darted into the other room.

“What did you tell him?” Nezumi said softly once the kid was out of earshot. “Why’s he so jittery?”

“He’s always jittery, he has anxiety,” Inukashi dismissed.

“Yeah, no shit.” Nezumi laughed. “I wanna get that kid a Xanax, he’s making  _ me  _ anxious. What’d you tell him, though? Where was he really?”

Inukashi picked up their plates and took them to the sink. “None of your business.”

Nezumi fell silent, thinking about it. “Was he with Shion?”

Inukashi’s silence answered everything.

Something unsettling dropped in Nezumi’s stomach. “What’s going on? Where is he? Is he okay?”

“That’s a lot of questions. It’s not like you.”

Rage shuddered through Nezumi’s veins unexpectedly. “Tell me! Where is he?!” He stood sharply, knocking over his chair.

Inukashi looked at him darkly. “He’s… in West Block.”

“What? Why?” Nezumi asked, thrown. “Who the hell wants to be there?”

“Nobody  _ wants  _ to.” Inukashi stuck out her hip. “But some people have to.”

“Not him, though.” Nezumi shook his head. “He’s fine. He’s middle class, he should be… he should be… I dunno, not  _ West Block.” _

_ “Don’t  _ try to find him,” Inukashi insisted. “It’s really a bad idea.”

“Why?” Nezumi glared. “Is it really that he doesn’t want to see me, or was that a lie too?”

Inukashi shot him an angry glance as she cleaned the dishes. “He doesn’t know what he wants.”

“So you’re protecting him? From me?” Nezumi slammed his fists on the table. “Why?”

“Careful! That thing’s not sturdy,” Inukashi scolded. “I’m not protecting him!”

“Then why are you doing this?” Strange emotion rushed up Nezumi’s body. He felt off balance.

Inukashi sighed. “I’m protecting you.”

“What?” Nezumi froze, stomach flipping over. “Why?”

Inukashi was silent for a long moment. “You’re right, why am I doing this? I don’t even really like you, so I shouldn’t…” She shook her head. “Promise you’ll be nice to him?”

“Nice?” Nezumi wasn’t sure what to do with that. “I’ll treat him how I’ve always treated him.”

Inukashi shook her head. “You know, I really care about Shion. So I don’t want you messing him up, okay?”

“He’s not a baby.”

“Yeah.” Inukashi closed her eyes, looking suspiciously like she was holding back tears. “You’re right, he’s not. He’s not a baby. Okay, fine. I’ll give you his address. Just try not to… nevermind.” She fished a piece of paper out of a drawer and scrawled out an address. “Don’t go tonight. Go in the morning. After nine.” She handed Nezumi the piece of paper.

He took it hesitantly and read the address. “Oh. I know where this is. It’s right next to my old theater.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Um… thanks.” He stuck the paper in his pocket. “Why after nine?”

“He’s best to talk to then. Don’t ask questions.”

“Fair enough.” Nezumi shrugged and plopped down on the couch, mostly satisfied.

“Well… goodnight.” Inukashi waved awkwardly. “And good luck.”

Nezumi nodded. “Night.” He tossed his blanket over himself and lay down on the couch. Strange, wasn’t it? Inukashi’s apprehension. What was up with Shion? Probably something bad. Nezumi closed his eyes, picturing drugs and violence and shredded humanity. Was that close to right? Maybe tomorrow he’d find out.

He struggled to fall asleep that night, mind plagued with visions of horror. He should have come back sooner. He shouldn’t have stayed away for so long, or at least he should have sent a message. He should have kept in contact somehow, then maybe he would know the story. Maybe he could have prevented whatever had happened to the wide-eyed, innocent boy he once knew.

Or maybe not. Either way, he’d find out in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was the sixth anniversary of the Fall of No. 6, and Shion was covering his ears tightly. Fireworks were going off outside, and all he could think of was bombs. He was shaking, sitting on the couch with the TV volume turned up to maximum. It didn’t help much. He could still feel the shockwaves of the explosions shuddering through his chest.  
> His house smelled like death. Like piles of dead bodies. He could remember it so clearly that the scent filled his nose, a hallucinatory flashback. Scattered words rushed through his head so loudly they sounded external: Safu. Bees. Lobotomy. Safu. DEATH. Fire. Safu. TORTURE. Bees. Safu.  
> He didn’t realize he was crying until the droplets fell on his knees where he sat in the fetal position, hands still clamped tight around his ears. He opened his eyes, terrified of the flashing images on the black screen of his closed lids. Lobotomy. Gunshot. Bombs. Nezumi. Safu. PAIN.  
> He screamed at what he saw. A small, white mouse sat on its hind legs, a note between its teeth.  
> “No no no no no!” Shion scrambled around on the couch, searching for a place to run. “Why?”  
> The mouse still sat there expectantly, chirping softly.  
> Another firework went off and Shion nearly jumped out of his skin. “What do you want? What does he want from me?”  
> The mouse dropped the note and looked up at Shion with it’s tiny black eyes.  
> Shion peered over the edge of the couch, reading the tiny, perfect handwriting.  
> Happy Holy Day, airhead. See you soon. -Nezumi  
> Almost as soon as he’d read it, the mouse picked up the note and ran away.  
> “Hey, wait!” Shion shot up to follow it, but it jumped out the window. He opened the door to run outside, and was immediately greeted by a barrage of red and yellow fireworks that shook him to the bone. He stood, shell shocked until he finally got the sense to go inside. He slammed the door behind him, angry. After six years, this was the first time he decided to send a note? And the mouse didn’t even stay long enough to let Shion send a note back. How frustrating. Still shaking, he made his way to the bathroom to grab a chalky, yellow pill, which he swallowed with a grimace. In fifteen minutes he’d probably feel much better. This had altogether been a very stressful day.


	2. There was a telephone and a red balloon

Nezumi woke up to the sounds of little Shion getting ready for school. He bustled around the small house filling up his backpack with supplies, occasionally stopping to throw Nezumi an anxious glance.

“So, do you have friends in school?” Nezumi asked as the kid sat down for breakfast.

Little Shion nodded, looking like he might cry from sheer fright.

“Okay…” Nezumi trailed off awkwardly, not sure what else to say. “Are you… you one of the cool kids, then? One of the popular crowd?”

Little Shion shook his head, staring down at his cereal like it had committed triple homicide right in front of him.

“You sure are quiet this morning.” Nezumi stood from the couch and began packing his blanket back into his backpack. “You quiet always, or just around new people?”

Little Shion didn’t answer. He quickly shovelled food into his mouth, grabbed his backpack, and rushed out the door.

“Weird kid you got there,” Nezumi quipped.

Inukashi glared at him. “He’s perfectly normal!”

“Does he treat everyone that way, or am I special?” Nezumi grinned, swinging his backpack over his shoulder.

“He’s just shy! You made him anxious!” Inukashi crossed her arms, staring daggers. “I hope you’re nicer to big Shion.”

“I was nice to the little one!”

“You called him weird!”

“Not to his face!” Nezumi held out his hands, exasperated. “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing!” Inukashi folded her arms. “You just make me angry.”

Nezumi laughed. “You’re such a mom now. It’s weird.”

“It’s weird I’m not the same person I was when I was 13?” Inukashi shot him an annoyed look.

Nezumi shrugged. “I guess I’m just in arrested development.”

“I’ll say.” She walked over to a telephone and dialed a number, a clear message for Nezumi to leave her alone.

“Rude.” Nezumi sniffed. “Anyways, I should head out. If I want to be there by nine.”

“I said  _ after  _ nine,” Inukashi reminded. “Not that I’m begging you to stay.”

“Right, you’ve been such a gracious host,” Nezumi quipped, only semi-sarcastically. It was much better sleeping on a couch than the ground outdoors. “Anyway… thanks. For letting me stay here.”

Inukashi shrugged. “We went through a lot together.”

Nezumi nodded. “Damn right.” He grinned and headed for the door. “Bye for now.”

“Bye for now.”

He shut the door behind himself and faced the morning. People were shuffling off to work, climbing tiredly into cars that sputtered off towards the city, joining with hundreds of other cars on the road. Nezumi checked the address he was headed for. It would probably be around a thirty minute walk. He tied his hair up and began the hike.

People always stared at Nezumi. He looked different, but people never seemed sure exactly how. He was the last of his race, after all. People didn’t have a category to put him in. The people of No. 6 were largely homogenous. There was slight variation, due to the various wars that had founded the six cities in the first place, but they mostly looked the same. Black hair, dark eyes, pale skin. Nezumi wasn’t too far off from that description himself, but something in his cheekbones, in the bridge of his nose, and in the slant of his eyelids made him stand out. Outsider. He was always an outsider, wherever he went.

It wasn’t hard to find Shion’s house. It was only a block away from his old theater. It was small, with an angular roof that sloped off in one direction rather than two. The walls were stone, and moss grew up the sides. In front, a dying garden lay unattended. Taking a deep breath, Nezumi knocked on the door.

Whatever he was expecting when Shion opened the door, it wasn’t what greeted him.

His wavy, white hair stood up wild, like it hadn’t been brushed in days, if not weeks. Deep circles shadowed his violet eyes, which sat dully above sharp cheekbones. Like he wasn’t eating properly. He wore an old shirt with a tear in the hem, and loose blue jeans that looked worn to the thread. He stared at Nezumi in silence for a long moment before bursting suddenly into tears.

“Whoa.” Nezumi held his hands out as if calming a spooked horse. “Um…”

“This is so sick,” Shion gasped between sobs as he looked up at the sky. “Fuck you, God!”

“Whoa!” Nezumi said again, shocked. “Hey, it’s- it’s okay. Calm down.”

“I’m such a loser!” Shion covered his face. “I hate myself!”

“Jesus.” Nezumi looked around nervously, hoping nobody was around to witness… whatever this was. “Can we… can we go inside? Maybe?”

Shion’s tears stopped as suddenly as they began. He wiped his face and took a deep breath. “Yeah, come in,” he said before promptly slamming the door in Nezumi’s face.

Stunned, Nezumi stood outside for a long moment before shaking himself and opening the door to let himself in.

Shion’s house was a wreck. Laundry was strewn across the floor, dirty dishes were piled in the sink, and papers scrawled with drawings and notes were scattered everywhere.

“I take it you weren’t expecting company.” Nezumi raised an eyebrow as he looked around.

Shion was standing in the middle of the chaos, expressionless. “Come here.”

Nezumi hesitated before setting down his backpack and approaching Shion cautiously. “Okay… Um, hello, by the way. Haven’t said that yet.”

“Shut up,” Shion commanded, stepping into Nezumi’s personal space.

Nezumi fell silent, not sure what to do but obey. This was all very strange. Something seemed definitively off.

Surprisingly, Shion grabbed Nezumi by the hips and pulled him close. He made brief eye contact before leaning in to kiss Nezumi full on the mouth. Not entirely sure what was happening, but not wanting to be rude, Nezumi kissed him back. Shion seemed to appreciate this, because he deepened the kiss, parting his lips and pulling himself flush against Nezumi. He ran his hands up Nezumi’s sides to tangle in his hair.

Not sure how far he was planning on going, and full of doubt in general, Nezumi pulled away. “Not to discourage… whatever is going on here… but are you okay?”

Shion didn’t answer, instead shooting Nezumi a frustrated glance and pulling him back in to kiss along his jaw.

Nezumi flushed and battled down his libido to shove Shion away again. “What are you doing?”

Shion considered for a moment. “I guess it’s augmented masturbation.”

Nezumi almost choked. “Excuse me?”

Shion shook his head. “I don’t have to talk to you.”

“That’s… technically true. I’d appreciate it, though.” Bewildered, Nezumi took a couple steps back. “Something’s wrong here.”

Shion looked him up and down, oddly expressionless. “God, I have a great imagination. Look at you.” He bit down on his lower lip. “I like it.”

Nezumi forgot how to speak for a moment. “Uhh… I… What?”

Shion took a shuddering breath. “I’m so glad you’re not sixteen or I’d feel like a pedophile.”

Nezumi’s jaw dropped slack. “I… I’m missing something.”

“I guess it doesn’t matter since you’re not real, but still.” Shion shrugged, then winced. “Damn, that’s loud. Shut up!” He screamed over his shoulder. “It never stops.” He massaged his temples.

Nezumi gaped, not sure what to say. “I am real.”

Shion ignored that. “So, are we not going to have sex? Is that the deal? You’re here, but I can’t be with you because that’s the form of torture my mind has decided to plague me with this time?”

Nezumi shook his head, amazed. “You sure know how to flatter a girl. Torture if you can’t be with me? Smooth.”

Shion just stared at him.

“No. I don’t think we should… Yeah.” Nezumi took a few more steps away. “I think I should figure out what’s going on with you first.”

Shion laughed, still with the same expressionless face. “So realistic. You want to catch up  _ after all this time?  _ That’s cute.”

Nezumi nodded slowly. “So, what I’m gathering here is- and correct me if I’m wrong- you lost it at some point. Completely.” He looked around the messy house, things beginning to click into place. “And you think I’m fake? You’re fucking with me.”

Shion’s expressionless face broke into a smile. “Look how horrified you are. Damn. Even if it’s not real, it still hurts to see you look that way at me.”

Nezumi schooled his expression quickly. “Shion, I…” His heart clenched. “You’re really not joking?”

Shion grinned broader, shaking his head. “Ouch. Look at that face. You’re acting like I’m scaring you. Nice touch.”

Nezumi was shocked. “I… I’m so sorry. What happened?”

Shion looked away, smile fading. “Please don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Act real. Come on. That’s the worst.” He blinked rapidly, like he was trying to hold back tears.

“How can I convince you I’m real?” Nezumi said, partly to himself.

Shion shook his head staring at the ground. “This is so messed up.” He shook himself. “Let’s forget about it. Okay?”

“Um…”

“Let’s just make out some more. That was fun, wasn’t it? If you’re going to be here, at least let’s have fun.” He took a couple steps towards Nezumi, and Nezumi took a couple steps back. Shion’s face fell. “So, that’s a no? You’ll just run away?”

“How did this happen?” Nezumi asked, a chill settling in his bones. This was so bad. So so bad. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything!” Shion looked like he might cry again. He shifted emotions pretty fast, it seemed. “Just… will you let me watch TV?”

That question took a moment to fully settle in Nezumi’s head. “Will I… Will I  _ let  _ you?”

“Not all of them do.” Shion shrugged.

“Them?”

“The voices. The monsters.” Shion gestured around himself like that explained everything. “Sometimes they just scream in my ears, and I can’t pay attention to what I’m watching.”

“That’s… horrible.” A deep sadness filled Nezumi from the ground up. “I’ll… let you. Yeah. But Shion, I’m real. I promise.”

“Yeah. You promised you’d come back, too,” he scoffed. “Look how that turned out.”

“I  _ did  _ come back,” Nezumi reminded him. “I’m here.”

Shion looked off somewhere to his right. “Yeah, he does that a lot.”

“What?”

“I said you do that a lot.”

“Do what a lot?”

“Lie!” Shion gestured at the air next to him. “Now you’re going to pretend you can’t hear the other voices? Wow, you’re really committed to this bit.” He looked angry.

Nezumi swallowed roughly. “Y-you know what? Let’s do watch TV. Okay? Let’s just sit down on the couch and watch TV. Maybe I can… I dunno, brush your hair? Looks like you haven’t done that in a while.”

“I don’t need you to baby me.”

“Seems like you do,” Nezumi countered. “Your house is a wreck.” He looked around, spotting the door to the bathroom. “So how about this? I’ll go get your hairbrush, you sit down on the couch and watch TV. I won’t say a word, and you can work on convincing yourself I’m real while I brush your hair.”

Shion seemed to consider that.

Nezumi took his silence to mean yes, and quickly edged past him into the bathroom. “Okay.” He scanned the counter, which was cluttered with toiletries and empty pill bottles. “God…” He felt sick. “This sucks.” He found the hairbrush and exited the bathroom, upset.

Shion was sitting on the couch, watching some cartoon on the TV of a girl with a red balloon. He didn’t look up when Nezumi sat next to him. “You look good as an adult,” he said softly.

“Thanks…” Nezumi got to work on his hair, which was tangled to the point of dreadlocks in places.

“You know, it’s a dead giveaway that you still have the same mice.” Shion glanced up at Nezumi. “They’d be dead by now.”

“They  _ are  _ dead.”

“I see them.” He pointed at nothing.

Nezumi paused his careful brushing to fight back tears.  _ Don’t cry about this. It’s pointless.  _ “Okay. I don’t see them. You’re hallucinating. Not me, though. I am really real.”

“I don’t want to fight with you.” Shion sighed as Nezumi resumed brushing. “So I’ll just agree.”

“But you don’t believe me,” Nezumi surmised.

Shion stayed silent, watching the TV determinedly.

They sat like that for a good two hours, until Nezumi finally got the final tangle out of Shion’s over-long hair. It fell down to his shoulders, glossy white and sort of wavy. Nezumi played with it, biting back a sigh. “You need to eat more.” He brushed Shion’s prominent cheekbones with the back of his hand.

Shion just curled up against Nezumi, shutting his eyes. “Not hungry.”

Hesitantly, Nezumi allowed Shion to wrap himself up in his arms. “Can we clean your house?”

Shion shrugged. “I don’t want to.” He curled up against Nezumi tighter. “You’re warm.”

“I’m alive.”

“I hope so. I really hope you’re not dead somewhere. That would be sad.” He kissed Nezumi on the cheek. “I miss you.”

“I missed you too.”

He kissed Nezumi on the lips. “I miss you a lot.”

Nezumi kissed him back. “Mhm.”

“Can we have sex now?”

Nezumi laughed. “Wow! You really are crazy.”

“Crazy for you.”

“Psychotic.”

“Yeah, I’m schizophrenic. Let’s have sex.”

“Have sex with your hallucinations often?” Nezumi shoved him away lightly, shaking his head as he grinned.

Shion shrugged. “Not really. Not as such.” He leaned back in, placing his hands on Nezumi’s chest. “I want to see if I can feel you touch me.”

“You’re very persistent.”

“Are you going to let me?”

“No.” Nezumi pushed him away once more and scooted over to the other side of the couch. “I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“I’m the one asking.”

“You’re not in your right mind.”

“I’m never in my right mind!”

Nezumi fell silent for a long moment. He took a couple deep breaths, steadying himself. “When did this happen, Shion? You weren’t like this when you were sixteen.”

Shion closed his eyes, leaning back into the couch. “Yeah. Okay, story time. I was twenty two. Four years ago. Started off slow. Little voices calling my name, saying short, mild things. Things started to move, everything looked fluid. Stuff like that. Then, bam. Screeching voices, terrifying hallucinations, and delusions. The whole shebang. Dunno why it happened. Maybe the trauma? Maybe it was always latent in me.”

Nezumi watched him, both interested and horrified. “What are you seeing right now? Or hearing.”

Shion opened his eyes. “Death.” His lower lip trembled. “Demons and screaming. Always screaming. Gives me a headache.” He sighed. “I’m sick a lot. Because I never sleep. So I don’t eat, because it makes me feel sicker, so I’m malnourished. Which makes me sick.”

That sounded… traumatic. Nezumi scooted closer again, reaching out for Shion’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Then go away,” Shion said weakly. “One less hallucination to worry about.”

“Where’s your mom?” Nezumi asked, wondering why she wasn’t here helping with all this.

“I don’t want her, she’s been replaced.”

“Replaced?”

“By a clone. I think sometime while we were in West Block together. Took me forever to realize it.”

Nezumi’s heart sank. “Your mother isn’t a clone. That’s ridiculous.”

“Oh, and holograms of Safu guiding us through a supercomputer to a giant bee god isn’t ridiculous?” He shot Nezumi an annoyed look. “Everything is ridiculous. Life is absurd.”

Nezumi had no response to that. “Y-yeah. I guess that was pretty ridiculous. Fair point.” He chewed on the inside of his lip, thinking. “I think I should talk to your mother. Get the full story.”

Shion rolled his eyes. “You do that. I’m gonna watch TV.” He curled up small on himself and stared at the TV, flinching every now and then as something in his head went off.

Nezumi’s heart was aching. “I don’t have to go now.” He wrapped an arm around Shion’s shoulders. “I can stay and watch TV with you. Maybe help you do your dishes.”

“Okay.” Shion curled up against him. “You know, I don’t mind hallucinations if it’s you.”

Nezumi nodded, swallowing around a lump in his throat. “Good to know.” He kissed the top of Shion’s head and allowed himself to sigh. Maybe Karan would have the answers. Maybe she would know how to help. He’d have to ask her later. For now, he was content to sit in silence with Shion and pretend with all his might like things were going to be okay. Like things were normal.

Just for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shion was sitting catatonic on a park bench, hoping desperately nobody would try to talk to him. It seemed he’d forgotten how to move his arms. Or stand up. Or call for help. In fact, nothing was making much sense. He was pretty sure if he tried to talk it would come out garbled. The thoughts in his head were abstract to the extreme, refusing to link up to form any kind of coherent train.  
> Robot birds hate alpha mice but no one gets to ease into anything at all it’s anxious and sad. Soon the farmers will be back but the log doesn’t make any sense. Will the fallacies enact change in their turbines?  
> He was supposed to be meeting his mother, who was running late. They were going to see a movie together, and Shion was really looking forward to it. He’d been working so much recently they’d barely gotten to speak to each other, so it would be good to do some catching up.  
> “Shion, hi!” Karan sat down next to him.  
> All of the sudden, as if by magic, Shion snapped out of it. “Hi, Mom.” He forced a smile, hoping he looked normal. Whatever that strange episode had been, he didn’t want to think about it. “Ready to go?”  
> “Yes, absolutely. Sorry I’m late. Got caught up with work.” She stood up, smiling warmly.  
> “It’s no problem. I totally understand.” They started walking off in the direction of the theater, Karan chatting about her day at the bakery.  
> Shion’s mind was wandering. As much as he wanted to listen, he couldn’t seem to stay focussed. He kept noticing how certain formations of objects looked like faces. In fact, everything looked like faces. Those three rocks. The sun between the trees, the power lines were a grinning mouth. It was funny. He struggled not to laugh and draw attention to himself and his strange musings.  
> “What do you think?” Karan asked, jolting him out of his reverie.  
> “Um…” Shion blushed, embarrassed that he hadn’t been listening. “Sorry, I must have spaced. What did you say?”  
> “Just that I was thinking about adding chocolate pie to the menu. What do you think?”  
> “I think that sounds delicious,” Shion said dully, anxiety gripping his chest. Was something wrong with him?  
> “Are you feeling okay?” Karan inspected him, concerned.  
> “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Just tired, I think.” Shion shook himself. Snap out of it.   
> Karan seemed to accept this. “Alright. Well, maybe watching a movie will be good, then. Nice and relaxing.”  
> “Yeah.” Shion smiled. “I think work has been stressing me out, so it’ll be good to relax for a while.” That’s probably what it was. Overworking. Feeling better about that theory, Shion smiled and picked up his pace. “Come on, hurry up! Don’t wanna miss the previews.”  
> Karan picked up her step as well, laughing. “You and the previews, most people want to miss them!”  
> Shion shrugged. “I like them.” It was fun talking to his mom. Maybe he should ask for more time off work. Maybe he needed it. Resolved to do just that, Shion put the strange episode out of his mind and enjoyed the rest of the day.


	3. And a picture of the cow jumping over the moon

Shion’s house was even messier than it looked. At around noon, Nezumi got fed up and began cleaning up as much as he could. It was a daunting task, but he figured Shion had done the same for him way back when, so it was time to repay the favor.

As he was washing dishes, there was a knock on the door. Nezumi hesitated, wondering if he should answer it when he heard a key in the lock. A moment later, little Shion walked in.

“I brought-” he spotted Nezumi and almost dropped the bag he was holding. “Oh.”

Shion stood to take the bag from little Shion. “Thanks.” He brought it to the now slightly cleaner kitchen and began unpacking, pulling frozen food, snacks, and basic household supplies from the bag and laying them out on the counter.

Curious, Nezumi turned to little Shion. “Why do you bring him food?”

Little Shion stared at him in terror for a while before seeming to find his tongue. “He-he can’t… he can’t go shopping on his own.”

“Oh.” Nezumi looked sadly at big Shion. “What does he do for work?”

Little Shion shook his head, refusing to make eye contact. “Nothing. He can’t.”

“So… do you guys just support him?” That seemed like a stretch even for this new, mothering Inukashi.

“He’s on disability,” little Shion said softly. “The government supports him.”

“Oh.” That made sense. That must be why he lived in West Block. The projects. Government funded housing. “Do you know what he does all day?”

Little Shion shrugged, shoulders tightening. “I dunno.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be in school?” Nezumi asked, realizing.

Little Shion took a few sharp breaths before answering. “Lunch break.” He scurried over to the door. “Gotta- gotta get b-back.”

“Okay…” Nezumi watched him go, amused. What a strange little kid. “Shion,” he called to the older one.

Shion didn’t answer.

“Hey, Shion.” He strode over to tap him on the shoulder.

Shion sighed. “God, I hate myself. What?” He turned to Nezumi frowning. “Want me to kill myself?”

That took Nezumi aback. “What?”

“That’s always why you guys are screaming.” His face contorted and he put on a strange, raspy voice. “You’re worthless, kill yourself. Slice your wrists. Kiss a train. Kill yourself.” He looked at Nezumi with the expression of a weary soldier. “So, what? Fucking what do you want?”

It took Nezumi a moment to find his voice. “J-just… just wondering if you wanted help cooking lunch.”

Shion shook his head. “Please don’t, you’ll only confuse me.”

“Okay.” Nezumi backed away. “Just let me know. If I can help in any way.” He backed away a little further. “Where’s your mom, Shion?”

“Ha ha,” he said mirthlessly.

Oh. Right. “Where’s the clone of your mom?”

He shrugged. “She stops by every now and then. I think she’s trying to replace me too. It’s spreading. Like a disease. You’re right to stay away from this city.”

“What does she do when she stops by?”

Shion shrugged again. “I barricade the door. She just sits outside, talking to me with her voice, trying to convince me she’s the real thing. It’s sick.”

“Do you know where she lives?” Nezumi asked hopefully. Maybe Karan would have some ideas as to what Nezumi should do.

“Same place my real mom lived, I suppose. Same place I used to live.” He stuck a frozen meal in the microwave. “Lost Town.” He turned to look Nezumi up and down. “Can we have sex now?”

Nezumi swallowed roughly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Shion remained expressionless, and turned back to the microwave. “Okay.”

“I’m gonna go find your mom,” Nezumi announced, headed for the door.

Shion didn’t answer him. He just stared at the microwave with a dull expression, watching the food turn around and around on the little tray.

A pang of sadness struck Nezumi’s chest, and he looked away. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Shion still said nothing.

The second Nezumi stepped outside, a horrible wave of dizziness washed over him, and he had to sit down on the ground. He could feel himself hyperventilating, but he couldn’t control it. He pressed a hand over his mouth in an effort not to throw up as his stomach clenched. How could this be happening? It was too horrible. Worse than anything they’d yet endured, something like this… it didn’t just scar you and beat you in the way violence and trauma did, it was so much more profound. It had eaten away at Shion’s very person. It had destroyed what made him  _ him. _

It took him a long moment to recover before he could stand up. When he did, people were staring at him.

“You okay, man?” one young woman asked him, hands clenched at her sides like she was ready to fight if she had to. People always looked like that in West Block.

“Fine,” Nezumi said curtly, looking away. It wasn’t good to show weakness out here. Maybe West Block had gotten better since The Fall, but it wasn’t good to risk it.

“You talk to the Ghost?” she asked, jerking her head at Shion’s house.

“The what?”

“That dude. The crazy one.” She nodded again at Shion’s house.

“Shion?”

“I guess. You know him?”

“Do you not remember The Fall?” Nezumi asked incredulously. “You don’t remember what he did?”

The woman gave him a blank stare.

“He’s one of the guys who knocked down the wall.” Nezumi shook his head slowly, amazed that Shion’s celebrity had died down so quickly.

“I’m from West Block,” she said like that explained everything. “Not some posh insider.”

“I’m trying to find his mom,” Nezumi explained, though he wasn’t sure why. She didn’t need to know.

“Okay.” The girl looked at him strangely. “Well… good luck I guess.”

Nezumi shook himself and headed off in the direction of Lost Town. It was a bit of a walk, but he’d left his backpack at Shion’s, so nothing was weighing him down. Sooner than he expected, he stood facing Karan’s bakery, staring at the display case of sweets. His stomach rumbled.

From inside, there was a sharp squeal, and the door swung open.

Before he knew it, Nezumi was wrapped in a tight hug that smelled like strawberries and baking bread. He gasped, biting back the urge to fight as he realized what was happening.

“Nezumi, you’re  _ home,”  _ Karan sobbed into his shoulder. “It’s been so long,  _ look  _ at you! You’re such a grown-up.” She pulled back. “Oh, your  _ hair.  _ Did you ever cut it?”

“H-hello Ms. Karan.”

“Oh, please. Just Karan is perfectly fine. Come inside, come inside! You must be starving, look at you. Thin as a rail. Come in and eat.” She pushed him firmly through the door and ushered him over to a table before bustling about the kitchen preparing food.

The bakery looked just as he remembered it. Cases and shelves of pastries and breads, anodyne artwork hung carefully on the walls- a field of wheat, a cow jumping over the moon, a girl in the park feeding birds. A few small tables stood in the middle of the floor, ready for customers who needed to kill time with a snack.

Nezumi just sat stunned, overwhelmed by the hospitality. He barely registered when she set a plate of food down in front of him.

Karan sat down opposite him at the table. “I’m afraid you won’t find Shion here,” she said, voice a bit dark.

Nezumi nodded. “I’ve already found him.”

She took a quick intake of breath, staring down at the table. “Did he let you in?”

“Yes.”

“How is he?” She looked up pleadingly. “It’s been… I don’t even know how long. Is he well?”

Nezumi hesitated. “His house is a bit of a catastrophe.” He wasn’t sure how to put it, how to explain what he’d seen. “He’s… confused.” His breath caught in his throat. “He seems to think I’m a hallucination.”

Karan nodded knowingly. “He thinks I’m a clone. He’s very sick.”

Nezumi figured he’d cut right to the chase. “I’m here because I want to know how to help him. I owe Shion a lot, and…”  He had to catch his breath. “I think I should be there for him.”

Karan was silent for a long moment. She folded her hands before she spoke. “Well, there are positives and negatives. Positive, he takes his medication. Not everyone does. Negative, they’re not completely effective. Positive, he can speak properly. Not everyone can. Negative, he doesn’t always speak at all.” Her eyes were tearful. “P-positive, he’s able to get help from the government to keep him off the streets. That’s thanks to the high-up position he used to have. Negative, he doesn’t always know what to do with the help he’s offered.” She cleared her throat and blinked her wide eyes, so much like her son’s. “Whatever you feel you may owe Shion, just remember that ultimately this is his problem. Not yours. You’re under no obligation to stay and help. That said, I’d be very grateful to you if you tried.”

Nezumi nodded. “I’m going to try my best.

Karan nodded, smiling weakly. “Thank you. Thank you. Please,” She gestured at his food. “Eat. I’m sure you’re hungry.”

He was. Ravenously, he scarfed down a sandwich, a cup of soup, and a sliced avocado in two minutes flat. With a clean plate and a full stomach, he felt much better. Less nauseous. “I think I’ll clean his house.”

Karan smiled. “I think that would be very nice of you. I always feel better in a clean room.” She hummed like she was considering something. “And a piece of advice for you: don’t worry about talking him out of his delusions. Just let them be. Nothing you could say will change what he believes, and you’ll only serve to make him angry. We started fighting after a while. I think that’s the reason he thinks I’m a clone. He told me his real mother would never lie to him, and that was the beginning of it.” Her voice got choked up. “It’s rather sad, the whole thing.” She sniffed and looked away. “My entire goal is to keep him alive. Bringing him sanity would be a delusion on my part. I don’t think he’ll ever be normal again.” She stood to take Nezumi’s empty plate to the kitchen sink, hiding her face as she did so.

Nezumi nodded, not sure what to say. There wasn’t much to say at all. Shion was gone, and that was that. “I’m sorry this happened.” Empty words. Apologies are worthless, they do nothing to abate the hurt.

“Thank you,” Karan said awkwardly. “He’s… a handful. I appreciate your efforts.”

“How did this happen?” Nezumi asked, leaning forward over the table.

Karan sat back down, folding her hands. “Well, it came on slowly. I didn’t notice it at first. He thought the government was out to get him. I believed him. After all, it’s happened before. He started searching through documents at work, trying to find any conspiracy that might relate to him. He got fired for doing that. Then he started complaining about flashing lights and microchips. He said they were tracking him, trying to read his thoughts and steal his memories. I thought it was strange, but I wrote it off as PTSD. After all he went through, it was hard not to.” She sniffed, wiping her eyes. “Then the major break happened. He started seeing things I couldn’t. Numbers, mostly. He talked about a man named 25 who watched over his shoulder. A girl called 4 who laughed at him. He started getting migraines due to the screaming voices in his head. That’s when I took him to the hospital and had him diagnosed. He didn’t believe the doctors when they said there was something wrong with him. He got angry with me for trying to convince him he was sick. He said they were part of the conspiracy, and that he needed to run away. To find you.” She smiled weakly. “That’s when he started seeing the mice.”

“The mice?” Nezumi asked.

“Yes. He said they were carrying messages from you to him saying that he needed to run away and find you. That you were never coming back to No. 6 because the evil government still wanted the both of you dead.” Her voice was weak. “So now he thinks you’re part of the hallucination, since of course the ‘real’ Nezumi would never come back to this place.”

Nezumi nodded, letting that all sink in. “So… how do Inukashi and little Shion fit into the mix?”

“Oh, they’ve been so wonderful.” Karan sighed happily. “Bringing him groceries, checking up on him… Little Shion has been an angel. The two of them get along so well, poor thing doesn’t have many real friends at school. He goes over to Shion’s house almost every night to keep him company. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Karan continued to gush about little Shion, going on and on about his performance in school (exceptional), his personality (angelic), and his hobbies (fascinating). She briefly discussed his anxiety issues, of which there were many, and his strange social skills, which seemed to prevent him making friends his own age.

Nezumi liked talking to Karan. She reminded him of Shion, before the schizophrenia. She babbled quite a bit, asked lots of questions, and seemed genuinely enthralled by his answers.

Eventually, however, it was time for Nezumi to be heading back. He wanted to get the house clean before bedtime, and it was sure to take a few hours at minimum.

She sent him home with a paper bag of dinner for two and a tight, teary embrace. Then, he set off, tracing the path he had taken back to Shion’s shabby house. He stood for a long moment at the front door, building up the strength to go back inside. When he finally did, Shion was sitting on the floor, drawing frantically on a piece of paper.

“What are you doing?” Nezumi asked, picking his way around other such scattered papers to make it to the kitchen. He set down their dinner on the counter.

Shion didn’t answer or look up.

“Drawing something?” Nezumi sat down next to him, looking at the drawing. It was mostly scribbles that came together to form a shadowy figure. “Who’s that?” he asked, a bit disturbed by Shion’s expression.

Again, Shion didn’t answer. He slammed his hand down on the ground next to him and groaned, rocking back and forth.

“Oh...kay.” Nezumi scooted away. “I brought dinner. It’s from your…” He thought better of it. “I brought dinner.”

Shion finally looked up to shoot Nezumi an annoyed look before dropping his pen on the ground and standing. “You’re so loud.”

“Am I?”

“You’re part of it.” Shion stomped over to the counter and looked through the bag. “You really did bring dinner.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Little Shion must have been here.” He fished a sandwich out of the bag and went to flop down on the couch. “Come sit with me.”

Nezumi hesitated, but did as he was told. “I was going to clean up your house.”

Shion stared at him in silence for a long moment. “You’re so pretty.”

“Thank you.”

“I don’t know why you won’t let me touch you. I really want to.” He reached out, and Nezumi backed away. He dropped his hand, disappointed. “Why not?”

“Doesn’t feel right. You don’t know what you’re agreeing to.” Nezumi scooted further away on the couch, uncomfortable.

“Oh, so you’re gonna take the moral high road this time?” Shion rolled his eyes.

“This time?”

“It’s a consent issue for you? So, what, you think I can’t consent because I’m crazy?” He frowned. “Isn’t that a bit discriminatory? I’m not allowed to have sex because I’m disabled?”

Nezumi almost laughed. “Good pitch. You politician.”

“I’m not an idiot, you know.” Shion squinted at him. “I’m just scrambled and my reasoning ability is...” he trailed off, looking like he was thinking about something. “Maybe I am an idiot. What does that even mean? Maybe I am.”

“Yeah…” Nezumi wasn’t sure what to say to that.

“But I think I should be able to touch you.” Shion concluded.

“Maybe  _ I  _ don’t want to be touched you weirdo,” Nezumi said, trying not to grin.

“You’re a hallucination, you don’t have feelings.”

“Sure I do.” Nezumi shook his head, exasperated. “You’re relentless. And you’re going to be really embarrassed when you finally figure out I’m not actually a hallucination.”

“If I say you’re not a hallucination, does that mean we can have sex?”

“Well now I won’t believe you.”

“Then it’s a no win situation for me. Just the kind of situation a hallucination would create.” He crossed his arms.

“You were  _ never  _ this forward with me ten years ago. You’d think a teenager would be more persistent than a grown man, but look at you.” He finally broke into a smile. “It’s ridiculous.”

“Well, there’s no consequences here. You’re not real.”

“So you have no emotional stake?”

“Exactly.”

“I could still make fun of you,” Nezumi reminded. “I’m really tempted to.”

“You won’t. Even if you were real you wouldn’t,” Shion said decisively.

“What makes you say that?”

“Nobody makes fun of me. They all feel too guilty. If you were real, you’d just take pity on me and be sad. You wouldn't laugh.”

Nezumi thought about that. It was a fair point. “You really are rational for an irrational person.”

“Told you I wasn’t an idiot.” Shion smiled weakly. “Not all of me is gone.”

That hit Nezumi’s heart hard. He blinked and stood. “I-I’m gonna go clean up your house. You eat dinner, okay?”

“Sounds like a good deal to me.” Shion leaned back on the couch and dug into his sandwich. “We’ll see if you can actually do it.”

Nezumi bit back tears as he began cleaning up scraps of paper.  _ Don’t cry for him. It’s useless.  _ He crumpled papers in his hands to stay the tears threatening to overflow.  _ Do something productive with this anger. Clean up this mess. Clean up his scrambled mind. _

He worked until dark, and the house looked a lot better. Shion hadn’t budged from the couch where he sat watching TV and rocking back and forth.

“Do you sleep on that couch, or on your bed?” He asked because of the massive pile of laundry that had been sitting on top of the comforter.

Shion didn’t answer. He just stood and made his way to the bedroom, taking a pill out of an upside down bottle before flopping down on the newly made bed.

“Shower,” Nezumi scolded. “You need to take care of yourself.”

Shion didn’t answer.

Nezumi bit back a sigh. “That’s what we’ll do tomorrow, then. Now that I’ve cleaned the house, we’ll clean you up as well. You need a haircut.”

Shion patted the bed next to him and rolled over onto his stomach.

Nezumi nodded. “Alright. Tomorrow, though.” He sat down on the edge of the bed, eyes exhausted.

Shion tossed and turned in his sleep, talking to himself even in unconsciousness. Numbers, mostly. “25, 25, 25…” he sighed. So, even in sleep he didn’t get a break from the terrors? Nezumi ran his fingers through Shion’s overlong hair and allowed himself to sigh. How sad this all was.

Sadness aside it was easy to fall asleep that night, though Nezumi’s dreams were troubled. He couldn’t shake the image of the shadowy figure from Shion’s drawing, with it’s strange rounded shoulders and no face. What sort of horrors must he experience on a daily basis? It would be enough to drive anyone up the wall.

Tomorrow would be a new day, he told himself as he dozed off. Slowly, he would put Shion’s life back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shion stood in front of the shower, gritting his teeth as his fingers hovered over the top button on his shirt. “Just take off your clothes, idiot,” he scolded himself. “It’s not true.” He managed to unbutton the top button, but balked at the second. “Damn it!” He sighed, sitting on the floor. “I’m never going to shower.”  
> Recently, a strange fear had gripped him. Somewhere in the depths of his mind, he was certain he was truly an old man with dementia, reliving his young life in a delusional, fantasy state. Anything he did, therefore, he would act out in front of whatever nursing home he’d wound up in. He couldn’t take off his clothes to shower, because what if that meant he was actually getting naked in front of all the nurses and residents at the nursing home? That would be embarrassing. So he couldn’t get undressed to shower. So there he sat on the floor, struggling not to cry, and failing miserably as frustrated tears poured down his cheeks.  
> “Somebody take me away from everyone,” he sobbed, kicking his legs out in front of himself like a toddler having a temper tantrum. “I want to be alone.”  
> The voices in his head were laughing at him, and they wouldn’t shut up.  
> “Shut up! I’m sorry!” He covered his face, embarrassed to be crying in front of everyone. “I don’t know what’s real!”  
> Thankfully, thankfully, nurses came to take him to the showers. Shion cried with gratitude.  
> “Thank you. Can- can you leave me alone? I can do this myself.”  
> Finally, delusion in a place he could manage, Shion succeeded in taking off his clothes. He sighed with relief as the warm water hit his back. It had been four days since he’d showered, and it felt lovely to finally wash himself clean.  
> Eventually, he told himself, he’d work through the fear. He’d figure out what was real. For whatever reason, anxiety had taken this strange form, but it would pass. It had to.


	4. And there were three little bears, sitting on chairs

Nezumi woke with Shion nuzzled under his chin. They were tangled around each other, curled tight and wrapped in covers like they’d been sleeping that way all night. His heart skipped a beat. It was nice. He needed to get out of bed, though, and to do so he’d need Shion to wake up.

“Hey,” Nezumi said, nudging him gently.

Shion moaned.

“Wake up.” Nezumi struggled to detach himself.

“Nooo…” Shion complained, curling in tighter. “Never. Never ever.”

Nezumi chuckled. “Wake up and I’ll give you a good morning kiss.”

Shion’s eyes opened slowly. “Okay.” Painstakingly, and with exaggerated difficulty, Shion sat up, looking at Nezumi woefully. “I’m up.”

Nezumi leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips. “Good morning.”

Shion pulled him forward and kissed him harder. “Good morning.”

“Shower time, remember?” Nezumi stood up, enjoying the feeling of cool wooden flooring on his bare feet.

“I will if you get in with me.”

“My my, look who’s frisky this morning.” Nezumi struggled not to burst out laughing. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“I want to see you naked. Maybe it will prove to me you’re real.”

Nezumi couldn’t help but laugh at that. “As enticing an offer as that is, I think you’re lying.”

Shion shrugged. “Who knows? I’m crazy.” He gave a small smile. “Nothing I do makes a ton of sense.”

“You’re very insightful for someone who can’t tell what’s delusion.” Nezumi grinned. “I will  _ help you  _ in the shower. I’m not getting in.”

Shion stared in silence for a long moment before shrugging again and taking off his shirt. Nezumi had almost forgotten the enticing way Shion’s scar wrapped around his body. The way his pale skin shone almost blinding white where the wasp had drained away his melanin. For a moment, it made him doubt why he was saying no to this beautiful boy.

“I know you like me,” Shion said, smirking. “You’re pretty obvious.”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “Isn’t that just your subconscious showing you what you want to see? Since I’m a hallucination, after all.”

Shion nodded. “Probably.”

Nezumi considered something. “Isn’t it a bit strange that you’d imagine someone from ten years in your past? Did you not ever meet anyone new?”

Shion shook his head. “The timeline didn’t work out. It took me a long time to get over you, then I had a psychotic break. You can’t really date people when you’re not sure who exists and who’s a clone.” He looked down, a little sad. “Oh well. You’re like my perfect match, though. Like- what’s it? The three bears.”

“Goldilocks?”

“Yes. Just right.”

Nezumi cleared his throat awkwardly. “Well, anyway… shower time.”

“Okay,” Shion said dully, shuffling off to the bathroom. He walked like that now. Shuffling. Like his spirit had been beaten out of him.

Nezumi followed him in and turned on the water to let it warm. “Undress.”

Shion looked down at himself and sighed. “Why?”

“So you can get in the shower,” Nezumi said, concerned. “Did… did you forget?”

Shion sat down on the ground, head hanging low. “What’s the point?”

“So you can get clean. You’ll feel better.” He held out a hand to help Shion up. “Come on.”

“I can go one more day,” he mumbled, laying down on the ground.

“No you can’t.” Nezumi grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into a sitting position. “Shower. It’s warm.”

“So’s my bed.” Shion looked longingly at the door. “I could sleep more.”

Nezumi stared at him for a long moment, considering the ramifications of what he was about to propose. “Alright, I’ll get in with you.”

Shion looked up. “Really?”

“Yeah, just get in the shower.” Nezumi rubbed his neck uncomfortably. “I guess this is fine.”

Shion stood up with some difficulty. “Okay, then.” His eyes were glazed over. “I can…” He blinked slowly, staring off into space.

“Hello?” Nezumi waved in front of his face, concerned. “You okay?”

Shion snapped out of it. “I can undress myself.” He painstakingly did so, as if each movement required maximal effort.

He really was beautiful. Nezumi averted his eyes, trying to keep things civil, as he undressed himself.

“Wow,” Shion commented. “You definitely look like you’ve been surviving in the wilderness. In a good way.”

Nezumi jumped back when Shion placed a hand on his stomach. “I’m just here to help you.”

“Help me…” Shion trailed, eyes raking over Nezumi’s body. “God, I wish you were real.” He stepped in close. “I just want to touch you. Doesn’t make you a bad person if you want to touch me back.”

“Get in the shower, Shion.” Nezumi grabbed him by the arm and steered him into the water.

Shion winced. “I don’t like it.”

“You will.” Nezumi held him firmly in place until he was soaked.

Shion relaxed. “Okay, it’s not so bad,” he admitted sheepishly and grinned. “It’s funny how a hallucination is being helpful for once.”

“Maybe I’m not a hallucination.”

“I think you’re just my psyche doing what it needs to do to make up for negative symptoms,” Shion mused. “Maybe I created you because I need you. I needed someone to help me, and so my mind came up with the most helpful person I know.”

Nezumi took offense at that. “How am I the most helpful person you know? If so, that’s sad. I’m not helpful.”

“You’re helping me,” Shion pointed out.

Nezumi huffed. “You’re right, maybe I am a hallucination.”

“I know.” Shion grabbed Nezumi by the elbows and pulled him under the water. “Get wet with me.”

“Jesus,” Nezumi shook his head. “You’re not the same person.”

“Neither are you.” He draped his arms over Nezumi’s shoulders. “I know you’re attracted to me.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Dumb...” Shion whined. “I get it, your point is that I’m a retard so I can’t consent. Right?”

“I mean… Yeah, to put it so bluntly.” Nezumi almost laughed out of sheer surprise.

“Why can’t retards have sex?” He frowned, genuinely asking the question. “Aren’t we people to? With human urges and desires? Don’t we want to be touched and loved and cared for?”

“Quit calling yourself a retard.”

“Why?” Shion shrugged, taking his arms off of Nezumi’s shoulders. “Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“Yeah.”

“Too bad.” Shion crossed his arms, pouting. “Because I’m right, and no amount of semantic obfuscation is going to change that. My brain is broken, I’m retarded, I’m  _ mentally handicapped,  _ however you want me to say it. But I’m still an adult who should have the right to make his own life choices. And unless you’re just not attracted to me, I see no reason we shouldn’t have sex. But you clearly are, so what’s your deal?”

Nezumi was stunned into silence. “That’s… you’ve somehow become more eloquent.”

“What,  _ somehow?  _ I’m not a kid anymore. Like I said, I’m an adult and I can speak well and I want you to  _ touch me!”  _ He looked so incredibly frustrated. It was cute.

“I’m not gonna do that,” Nezumi insisted, trying not to let his confidence sway.

Shion hung his head. “You don’t get it.” He groaned. “I’m not a baby.”

“I get it, and I know you’re not a baby.” Nezumi reached for the shampoo. “Wash your hair.”

“I can  _ do it!”  _ Shion swiped the bottle out of his hand. “Don’t help me.”

“Well, you needed help getting  _ in  _ the shower,” Nezumi defended himself.

“I know!” Shion shut his eyes tight, breathing deeply. “I know I can’t do everything. But I can do  _ some  _ things. So let me try.”

“Fine.” Nezumi held up his hands shoulder high in surrender. “Do it.”

Shion scowled as he scrubbed shampoo into his hair. “You really were sent to torture me.”

Nezumi rolled his eyes. “I don’t  _ have  _ to be in this shower with you,” he reminded. “I’m doing this as a favor. So should I get out?”

“No!” Shion grabbed his arm. “I like seeing you naked.”

“My god.” Nezumi had to look away, blushing. “Eventually you’ll figure it out, Shion, and you’re going to have to apologize for all of this embarrassing shit.”

“You don’t get it,” Shion muttered.

Nezumi shook his head, exhausted by it. “Pass the shampoo, I might as well get clean while I’m in here.”

Shion shoved the bottle into his hands. “You make me angry.”

“You make me exasperated,” Nezumi countered. “My consent matters too. And until you know who I am, I’m not consenting.”

Shion huffed. “That’s annoying.”

“Tough.”

Shion let the last of the suds run out of his hair, staring at Nezumi the whole time. “I understand the consequences,” he announced, moving out of the way to allow Nezumi to rinse off.

“Consequences?”

“Of sex. I understand the ramifications.”

“Okay…”

“So I have the capacity to consent.”

“The capacity to… where did you learn that phrase?” Nezumi struggled to detangle his hair under the water. It was getting obnoxiously long.

“At the hospital. We had a sex ed class tailored to mental patients. They taught us that we had the right to have sex with each other, but we had to keep in mind that some people didn’t have the capacity to consent. You have to be aware of the person, time, place, and event-”

“But-” Nezumi tried to interrupt.

Shion held up his hand. “You have to be able to tell truth from fantasy,” he continued.

“But you-” Nezumi tried again.

_ “And,”  _ Shion persisted. “You have to be able to know that one person’s consent doesn’t mean everyone’s consent.”

“Sure.” Nezumi figured he at least had that one down.

“You have to understand the ramifications of sex, both moral and physical, and you have to have the ability to follow a decision making thought process,” Shion concluded. “I can do all of that.”

“You have no idea who I am!” Nezumi protested. “You certainly can’t tell truth from fantasy.”

“Sure I can!” Shion argued. “Since I’m aware enough to know that you’re a hallucination, I’m aware enough to decide if I can consent to sex with you.”

“But I’m not a hallucination,” Nezumi sighed, frustrated. “So clearly you don’t know what’s going on.”

Shion rolled his eyes, looking equally frustrated. “You can’t convince me. I won’t fall into that trap again.”

“I’m done with this conversation.” Nezumi stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel off the rack.

Shion shut the water off and got out after him. “What are the ramifications for you?” he asked, wrapping himself up in a towel.

“What do you mean?”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“I said I’m done with this conversation.” Nezumi went to go find his backpack, wanting to be dressed.

“Let’s just make out. We don’t even have to have sex.”

“I said no!” Nezumi spun around to look at him, beyond annoyed. “You’re getting obsessed. Leave it.”

“You’re treating me like a child!” Shion yelled.

“Maybe I am!” Nezumi yelled back. “You’re acting like a child! You can’t take a shower on your own, you can’t brush your hair on your own, you have imaginary friends, and you think I’m one of them! I have to treat you like a child, you can’t function like an adult!” He stormed over to his backpack, pulling out his clean clothes. “It makes me angry!”

Shion scowled at him. “Oh, well, I’m  _ so sorry  _ my disability is inconvenient for you!”

“It is!” Nezumi struggled to get dressed while still looking confident. “It’s very inconvenient!”

“What did you expect from me?” Shion tied the towel around his waist.

“Normalcy!” Nezumi shouted, zipping up his pants. “I expected you to be fucking normal!”

Shion looked hurt. “Well, I’m not.”

“I know. Clearly.” He turned away.

Shion sniffed. “I hate it when you act like him.”

“What, like myself? Like I’m real?”

“Yeah. It makes me forget you’re fake.” His voice shook a bit. “It makes me feel real things, like I would with him. I don’t want that.”

Nezumi bit his lip to hold back a sigh. “Get dressed, Shion.”

“I’m going to the park.” Shion stomped off to his room to dress himself. “I need to calm down.”

That made Nezumi nervous. “You’re going to the park? Alone?”

“I’m sure you’ll follow me.”

“Can you… Can you do that? Safely?” He followed Shion into his room, where he was staring at his clothing apathetically.

“Not really. Nothing is safe for me.” He reached out for a shirt, gave up, and sat down on the floor. “Why is everything so difficult?”

Taking pity on him, Nezumi chose a shirt and pulled it over his head. “I’ll come with you.”

Shion sighed as he stuck his arms through the sleeves. “You’ll make it worse. Another invisible person I’ll be talking to.”

“I’m not invisible.” An idea struck him. “What if other people can see me? Will you believe I’m real?”

Shion shrugged as Nezumi picked out underwear and a pair of pants for him. “Doesn’t matter. Nobody will be able to see you.” He stood slowly, like an old man, and put on the rest of his clothing.

“Let’s test it. Let’s go.” Nezumi looked around for Shion’s shoes. “Man, your house is still a mess.”

“My shoes are by the door.” Shion shuffled over and put them on. “Let’s go.”

Nezumi pulled on his own hiking boots and followed Shion out the door. This would certainly be interesting. However it went, it would mean a little more insight into the depths of Shion’s psychosis, and that could only be useful in figuring out a way to cure the illness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone at work wanted him dead. The proof was there, in the ways they looked at him, the suspicious things they said, they way they were all circling him like sharks. There must be some conspiracy.  
> Shion was digging through papers in a file cabinet he’d broken the lock to, and he was finding amazing things. Codes hidden in everyday memos, symbols written in invisible ink on the paper, all regarding him and his impending murder.  
> “What are you doing?” Shion’s boss snuck up behind him.  
> Shion nearly jumped out of his skin. “N-nothing!”  
> “You don’t need to be here.” His boss glanced over Shion’s shoulder at the papers he’d pulled out. “Why are you going through old memos?”  
> The jig was up. “I know about the plan.” Shion crossed his arms, glowering. “You won’t get away with it.”  
> His boss feigned confusion. “Plan?”  
> “To kill me. You think I’m a terrorist. I cracked your codes.” Shion grabbed one of the memos and shoved it in his boss’ face.  
> “Okay…” The man looked concerned. “Are you feeling okay?”  
> “You don’t need to deny it anymore,” Shion told him, annoyed. “I already know everything.”  
> His boss was quiet for a long moment before he nodded knowingly. “Why don’t you take the rest of the day off?”  
> “How about I take the rest of my career off?” Shion spat. “I’m quitting before you can kill me.”  
> His boss nodded again. “Just take the day off, maybe tomorrow too. You went through a lot, Shion. I completely understand your paranoia. Back when there used to be wars, something like this happened to soldiers all the time. Forgive my intrusiveness, but have you seen a doctor? You seem to be suffering from PT-”  
> “I don’t have PTSD!” Shion interrupted him. “You sound like my mom. I know a conspiracy when I see one. This government is a corrupt lie.”  
> “I see. I’m sorry, Shion, but I’m going to have to call security. You’re going through private files, and you’re aggravated. You’re welcome to walk out on your own, otherwise I’m going to have you removed.” He hit the button on his arm band and called security. They showed up moments later.  
> “I’m going!” Shion protested when they tried to grab him. “Don’t touch me!” He stormed out of the building, furious beyond belief, and headed to his mother’s house. She’d know what to do. She would believe him. He felt calmer knowing that. She would believe him.


	5. And two little kittens, and a pair of mittens

They walked hand in hand to the park, mostly because Shion was having trouble walking a straight line. It took a long time to get there, due to the fact that Shion shuffled his feet slowly, staring at the ground as if every footstep was fascinating.

He almost stepped on a cat that got underfoot.

“Look out.” Nezumi held him back before he stepped on the poor thing. “You’re staring at the ground, I figured you’d see that.”

“Step on real cats,” Shion muttered, pointing. “Kitten, kitten…” He gestured at nothing. “Cats are everywhere. I can’t worry about which ones are real. So step on real cats.”

Nezumi shook that off and tried to pull Shion forward a bit quicker. “Come on, let’s get to the park.”

When they finally made it, Nezumi made a beeline for a girl sitting on a bench. “Excuse me,” he said as he approached her.

She looked up, smiled at Nezumi, then noticed Shion. Her eyes widened. “Oh, I don’t have any money.”

“Wha- no.” Nezumi shook his head. “I just had kind of a weird question if you don’t mind.”

“...Okay,” she said hesitantly.

“You can see me, right?” He waited expectantly while the girl sat there, confused.

“...Yes.”

“Alright, thank you. That’s all.” He pulled Shion away. “See? People can see me.”

Shion was staring at the girl dully, his mouth hanging open slightly.

Nezumi spotted a man strolling towards them. “Excuse me, sir,” he said. “Do you have the time?”

“11:36,” the man said with a smile.

“We woke up late, Shion. Thank you,” he said to the man. “See?” he asked once the man was out of earshot. “He can see me too.”

“They’re fake.” His eyes were glazed over. “Fake fake fake.” He blinked slowly. “I never said that.”

Nezumi inspected him, concerned. “Said what?”

“13, louder. Blasphemy.” He muttered. “It’s all a lie.” His arms curled up at his sides, a bit like kitty paws. “None of it’s true.”

“Huh?” Nezumi was confused. “Let’s walk, come on.” He took Shion’s elbow and guided him down the sidewalk. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Shh…” He closed his eyes, leaning into Nezumi’s side as the walked. “It’s too loud.”

“The voices?”

“Huh?” Shion opened his eyes. “I can’t hear you.” Unexpectedly, he sat down on the ground. “I don’t want to be here.”

“You were the one that said you wanted to go to the park,” Nezumi reminded him.

“It’s too loud!” he said again. “Too many fake people!”

Nezumi watched him sitting on the sidewalk shaking, wondering what to do. “Come on.” He yanked Shion up by his elbow. “We’re going somewhere.”

Lost town was only a five minute walk from the park. Shion seemed to recognize the direction they were headed.

“No!” He screamed. “I won’t be replaced!” He struggled to pull his arm out of Nezumi’s firm grasp, to no avail. They stood outside the door to Karan’s bakery, and she immediately ran out to greet them.

“Shion! Oh, my-” She realized something was wrong. “Come inside.”

Nezumi pulled him forcefully indoors. “You need help.”

“She’s a fake! I can’t talk to her!” He tried to wiggle out of Nezumi’s grasp, but he was too weak. Fragile from spending all his time indoors and never sleeping.

“What happened?” Karan asked, looking sadly at her son.

“We went to the park and he refused to walk. Just sat down on the ground, freaking out. He wasn’t making any sense when he spoke.”

“Did he take his medication this morning?” Karan asked.

“Umm…” Nezumi couldn’t remember him doing so. They’d been together all morning, right? When could he have taken his medication. “I… I think he might not have.”

“I can answer for myself!” Shion said indignantly. “I didn’t.”

“Why not?” Karan and Nezumi asked simultaneously.

Shion shrugged. “I forgot. It’s hard to remember.”

“Well, we need to go home and take it, then.” Nezumi started for the door.

“Wait.” Shion was staring at him in shock. “Did you just talk to my mother?”

A chill ran down Nezumi’s spine. Could it be? “Yes. I did.”

Shion went pale. “Do it again.”

Stunned, Nezumi nodded. “You can hear me, right Karan?”

“Y-yes. I can,” Karan replied, looking equally shocked.

Shion swayed a little where he stood. “No way.” His eyes widened, and he blushed deeply. “Oh my god.”

“There it is,” Nezumi had to smile despite himself. “Figure it out?”

“Nezumi, we have to run. I don’t want you to be replaced.” Shion shot an angry look at his mother.

Karan nodded. “Best you go. You really don’t want to be ‘replaced.’” She looked at Shion sadly. “I’m so glad you figured it out.”

“Let’s go,” Shion said anxiously. “Seriously, we don’t have much time.”

Nezumi looked apologetically at Karan. “Alright, let’s go.” They dashed out the door, Shion eager to get as far away from the clone of his mother as possible.

“I’m sorry for everything I said,” he muttered as they ran away. “It’s really embarrassing.”

“It’s kinda funny now that you understand,” Nezumi grinned. “Less sad, more hilarious.”

Shion turned his eyes away, blushing. “You should probably leave.”

“Leave? Why?” Nezumi tried to slow him down, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him to a walking pace. “We’re far enough away.”

“Because I’m a schizo. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s my problem, not yours.” He still refused to make eye contact.

“I’m invested now. You’re entertaining.”

Shion looked up briefly before looking back at the ground. “It’s not funny.”

“I mean, it’s a little funny.” Nezumi shrugged. He wasn’t going to feel bad about it. “You thought I was a hallucination. You really wanted to have sex with me. Now I know-”

“Shut up!” Shion cried. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry, okay?”

“I’m not.” Nezumi grinned. “Now I know what you masturbate to. Me.”

“God!” Shion covered his face with his hands. “I hate myself.” His shoulders were tight. “You should really leave.”

“But you’re doing better,” Nezumi encouraged. “You figured out I’m not a hallucination, so-”

“So what? I’m not doing better. They’re still screaming at me. They never stop. Come closer.” He stopped walking and took Nezumi by the arm. “Can’t you hear them?” He pressed their foreheads together. “Screaming  _ 25 kill yourself blasphemy 13 straight jacket somewhere somewhere somewhere kill yourself blasphemy I hate you die!” _ His voice shook. “Tell me you can hear them. It’s so real.”

Nezumi pulled away as tears rolled down Shion’s cheeks. “I can’t hear them.”

“Then leave. Because I’m never going to get better. I’m medication resistant. And who knows? I may stop believing in you again.” He picked up his pace, and Nezumi had to jog to keep up with him all the way back to his house.

“Shion, calm down. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“How do you know?” Shion looked at him angrily. “You’ve only been here a day. You haven’t even seen the worst of it yet. You haven’t seen me hospitalized. You haven’t seen…” He shook his head. “It gets bad. You don’t owe me anything anymore. You can leave.”

Nezumi struggled to speak as the walked inside. “But… I promised I’d come back for you.”

“And you did. So go away now.” Shion stormed into the bathroom and took two little chalky pills.

“Why do you want me gone so badly?” Nezumi followed him into the bathroom.

“Because it’s embarrassing!  _ I’m  _ embarrassing. Everything I do- I’m a psycho! Literally. I’m no different from any of those homeless people on the streets talking to lampposts. Can’t you see how humiliating that is?” He shoved past Nezumi and went to the kitchen to rifle through the refrigerator. “I can’t work anymore, I can’t go outside without becoming a danger to myself, I can’t even go shopping for my own groceries. Little Shion will be here soon, leave before he gets here.”

“You really want me gone?” Nezumi asked, a bit hurt.

“Yes. Please. Before I lose my mind again.” He shut the refrigerator without taking anything out. “I just need to be alone.”

“What, for the rest of your life?” Nezumi asked incredulously.

“Yes!” Shion shouted. “For the rest of my life.”

Nezumi fell silent for a moment, considering that. Should he really leave? Truly, what was the point in staying? Was he going to take care of Shion for the rest of their lives? He didn’t want that. Maybe the wide-eyed boy he knew ten years ago really was gone. “Okay. I’ll leave.”

Shion nodded. “Thank you.”

Slowly, Nezumi packed his backpack. Pain radiated through every bone of his body, a cold, migraine like ache that left him depleted and sad. He set his backpack by the door and stood with his hand by the doorknob, trying to command himself to go. He turned and walked back to Shion in the kitchen, pulling him in tight and kissing him deeply. “Goodbye.”

Shion didn’t say a word as Nezumi left, swinging his backpack over his shoulder and stepping out the door.

What next? Where would he go? He was running low on money, a lifesaving habit he’d formed in his drug using days because it meant he couldn’t get his hands on more than he could handle. But now- Ah. That was it, then. Back to his old friends. The ones he’d kicked when he’d… kicked.

It would be a six day hike going top speed. Nezumi figured it was best to just disappear. Don’t talk to Inukashi, don’t talk to Karan. Just off into the forest and back to his old life.

He still sweated over the drugs. They kept him up at night, taunting his dreams. Every time he was asleep and he dreamt of hitting a vein he’d wake up in a cold sweat before the memory of the high could kick in.

He missed it. The way it struck you from behind. The way it killed every thought in your brain but  _ junk.  _ There was a simple beauty to it. Life outside of drugs is complicated; it requires a certain amount of ethical debate to be had over every little decision, which becomes tedious. With junk, there’s no such debate. There’s only seeking. Only the fear of sickness nipping at your heels to keep you from sinking, only the dream of a score to propel you forward. Maybe he’d just go back to that. Life was so much easier that way. At the very least, he could make an exception for the sake of-

Ah, but that’s the problem. That line of thinking.  _ It’s just an exception. Just this once For old time’s sake.  _ It was never just an exception. Pretty soon you’d be in the life again, and no amount of mental manipulation could change that.

“H-hello?” a small, timid voice spoke up. It was little Shion.

“Hello.” Nezumi looked down at him. He was holding a bag of groceries. Lunch, dinner, and breakfast for the next day. “Here to see Shion?”

Little Shion nodded. “I have his food. A-are you leaving?” He nodded at Nezumi’s backpack.

“Yeah,” Nezumi said bitterly. “He kicked me out.”

Little Shion shut his eyes tight and took a few deep breaths. “Okay. Okay. Okay.” He was shaking slightly. “W-will you be back?”

Nezumi shook his head.

Little Shion shut his eyes again. “Not even tomorrow?”

“No. Why?” Nezumi squinted at him suspiciously.

Little Shion shook his head. “I don’t want to- nevermind. I’ll have Mom come with me.”

“Why?” Nezumi asked again.

“Nothing. Nothing. It’s probably nothing.” Little Shion knocked on the door before opening it with a key he wore around his neck.

“Okay. Tell your mother I said goodbye.” Nezumi shouldered up his backpack and hiked away.

Hiking through West Block with a backpack full of everything you own is a nerve wracking ordeal. People stare at you hungrily, the thought of theft in their eyes.

West Block was different to how it had been before. Cleaner, more industrialized. Still, it was a slum, and the scent of crime hung in the air like smog.

Like a bloodhound, Nezumi could smell the drugs around him. It was so clear it rattled his bones, drying his mouth until he was parched.

“Ey, junkie,” a voice called out to him.

Nezumi grinned. So that aura still hung around him? Once a junkie always a junkie. “What’s up?” He turned to spot a man around his own age leaning against a corner.

“I can see it on ya. Where ya goin’ at?” He spit on the ground, thick, white saliva.

“No goddamn clue. Why? You holding?” Nezumi looked the guy up and down. He was skinny with short, scruffy hair and a beard to match. He was clearly an oil burner, meaning his habit was heavy.

“Shut the fuck up, ya ditz.” He stood up straight, eyes shifting nervously.

“Ah, who in West Block’s gonna care?” Nezumi shook his head.

“You ain’t from around here, huh?” He spat on the ground again.

“Not for a long time.”

“Thing’s is different. There’s  _ cops  _ now.” He whispered the word cops like it might summon them. “Just- you looking like you need a place to be, me ‘n my friends got a joint out South. If you got cash for junk, you know. I’m looking to move some. Gonna kick tomorrow, haven’t shat in a month goddamnit. So I gotta get this horse out the stable if ya know what I mean.”

Nezumi considered it. “I’ve been clean, but… I know a bunch of folks looking to buy. I can move for you.”

The man whistled. “Ooh, you gotta be gettin’ your mittens on this shit boy. Preemo. Cooks like a charm, feels like shit like wow.”

“Alright, I’m in.” Nezumi grinned. He figured if he sold off a gram or two that would get him enough cash to make his way back into the trade. He really was low on money. Well… relatively. It was getting dangerous to live the way he was. He needed a source of income. “How much you got?”

“Five grams plus what I need to taper down. How much you want?” The man grinned back at Nezumi, loose-looking teeth staggered like a cemetery.

“I guess I’m taking five.” He could sell it off no problem. His friends were heavy users too, they’d appreciate the hookup.

The man looked taken aback. “Shiiit, you just made my job fuckin’ easy. Come on, friend. Let’s head to South Block.”

“Let’s do it.” Nezumi followed him down the road, heart beating rapidly in his chest. He loved the adrenaline rush of this shit.  _ Loved  _ it. It almost made him forget about leaving Shion.

It should have been about a twenty minute walk, but Nezumi’s new junkie friend’s paranoia kept him jumping at the slightest sound and running for the shadows. It took them nearly forty to make it there.

It was a ramshackle old house, larger than Shion’s for sure, but with the aura of junk around it. If Nezumi had had any concerns that it might be a setup, they flew out the window when he saw the house.

“Need a place to crash tonight, right?” the man asked.

“Be great, yeah.” Nezumi nodded. “Otherwise I’m camping.”

Inside was exactly as Nezumi expected it. Messy with laundry, people lying about on couches with the TV blaring.

“Just through here.” The man picked his way around his nodding friends to get to a room in the back. “Got the cash?”

“Got the junk?” Nezumi raised an eyebrow.

“Right here.” He opened a box in the corner and pulled out five gram bags of horse. “Pony up.”

“Mhm.” Nezumi dug around in his backpack and counted out the price they’d hashed out on the walk over. It was a good deal. The man really just wanted to get rid of his shit, and apparently his friends were too poor, or had better connections. “Here ya go.”

They traded.

“I’m Foster, by the way.” The man smirked.

“Nezumi.”

“Good doing business with you. Wanna test the product?” He grinned, a light coming into his eyes.

Nezumi’s stomach flipped with desire. “Goddamn that’s a tempting offer.”

“C’mon, what? You gonna sell this to your friends without knowing what it’s like? You’d be a shit friend.” Foster laughed as Nezumi stared longingly at the bags. “I’ve even got clean needles. There’s a needle exchange program in No. 6 now. Hallelujah.”

Cooking is a ritual passed down from junkie to junkie by word of mouth. It’s taught with a mother’s love, and Nezumi knew the recipe well. Spoon, water, fire, cotton- draw up into the syringe with a little slurping sound that’s almost sexual because you know what’s going to happen next.

Nezumi was in a trance until he tied off. The feeling of the tourniquet around his upper arm was like a jolt from God, reminding him what he was doing.

“Oh shit,” he said aloud as Foster laughed.

“I know. I love the squeezing feeling.”

Finding a vein for Nezumi was as easy as the most practiced nurse. Inject, remove the tie, squeeze the plunger, and-

Heaven on Earth. It hit him in the back of the head, knocking his chin to his chest. He sighed every sigh he’d repressed, and things made perfect sense again.

“There there.” Foster hugged him and Nezumi realized he was crying. Actually crying. Really truly sobbing.

“I love him so much!” He exclaimed. “God, this is good…”

“There ya go, boy. Let it out.”

“I’m in love with a schizophrenic,” Nezumi explained, his words slurring a bit. “He kicked me out of his house.”

“That’s rough.”

“He’s so fucking sick, it makes me want to cry.”

“You  _ are  _ crying,” Foster reminded.

“Because I love him!” Nezumi sobbed. “God, the universe is love… I wish my love could fix his brain.” He stood up. “I have to go back there. I have to talk to him. I shouldn’t have left.”

“Whoa boy.” Foster grabbed his arm. “Maybe later, huh? You’re riding the peak.”

“I can fucking do shit on heroin, I’m not a pussy.” Nezumi pulled his arm away. “I have to tell him I love him.”

Foster laughed. “I mean… I ain’t your dad. Go do whatcha gotta.”

Nezumi grabbed his backpack and dashed out the door. Back to West Block. Back to Shion. Back to put things right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shion was struggling to stay awake. His chin kept hitting his chest as he sat at work, trying desperately to read the memo on his monitor. The words just weren’t making sense. It was the new medication he was on. It was working wonders, but it made him want to pass out. He’d tried taking it at night. Only problem was, it wore off after 20 hours. Taking it at night meant having four hours in the evening of terror and pain. If he took it in the morning, it wore off while he was asleep. That meant he had to make it through the sleepiness of the first four hours after taking it.  
> “You okay?” the girl who sat across from him asked. “You keep dozing off. Are you sick?”  
> “No, just… really tired,” Shion said dully. That was another thing. The medication made his voice and expressions flat. It made everything flat. He couldn’t emote the way he used to. Now, his eyes were half lidded and everything was dull. He’d told his mother about this, and she said it was worth it. It was. The medication kept his hallucinations under control, and kept his mood from swinging out wildly. It kept his mood from going anywhere at all.  
> Seroquel, 200 mg. That’s what he was on. It was the first medication he’d tried, and it was working well. The voices had quieted down significantly since starting it. It made it possible to work. To focus. To exist without pain. Shion was grateful, even if he was still sad. This illness had nearly taken everything from him. His job, his family, even his life. And even on Seroquel it wasn’t perfectly gone. They were slowly tapering up his dose, so soon he would increase to 250. He just had to bite his tongue and deal with it. It was for the best, after all. And so long as it continued to keep working, he could even be perfectly healthy for the rest of his life.


	6. And a little toy house, and a young mouse

Shion’s house looked fake from a distance. Maybe it was the drugs, but Nezumi cocked his head and grinned. “Like a toy.” It was so small and ramshackle, it looked odd. Everything looked odd. Good, but off. Like there was an extra color in the mix. Nezumi slapped his cheeks and tried to pull himself together as he approached the house. He knocked. “Hey, let me in.” What time was it? He looked at the sky. It was getting dark. Shit, how long had he been at that drug den? Time was getting distorted.  
Shion didn’t answer the door.  
“I’m just going to break in on my own.” Nezumi threatened. “It’s better for your locks if you let me in.” When Shion didn’t answer, Nezumi shrugged. “Alright, then.” He fished around in his backpack for his lockpick and got to work. It was difficult on heroin. His vision was hazy. How much had he taken? He couldn’t remember. It seemed his tolerance had dropped low. Finally, he managed to crack the thing. “Gotcha!” He grinned, patting himself on the back. “I still got it.” He marched into Shion’s house and dropped his backpack by the door. “Hey, I need to tell you something.”  
That’s when he noticed Shion asleep on the couch.  
“Oh. Damn, you’re a heavy sleeper. Someone just broke into your house, man. Wake up and shoot me.” He held his arms wide, expecting Shion to wake up. He didn’t.  
That’s when Nezumi noticed the bottle of alcohol on the coffee table.  
“Ohh… You’re passed out. Gotcha.” He grinned despite himself. “I’m sorry this was such a rough day.” He sat down on the edge of the coffee table. “Good news, though. We can have sex now. You know who I am. Goddamn, you’re out cold.”  
That’s when a chill ran down his spine. Maybe his instincts were off due to the heroin, or maybe he was just naturally slow, but in that moment Nezumi realized something actually might be wrong.  
“Shion?” He reached out to prod him. Shion didn’t move.  
That’s when he noticed the empty pill bottle on the floor, and his blood ran cold. “Oh my god.” He forcibly flipped Shion over to his back, where he lay floppy, but breathing faintly.  
“Shit. Um…” He shot up and ran to grab a nearby trash can, overturning it on the floor and dashing back to Shion. He slammed it down on the floor in front of him and forced Shion’s limp body into a sitting position. “Bear with me.” He stuck two fingers down Shion’s throat until he gagged. Nothing came up, so he tried again. Still, nothing happened. Shion moaned weakly, body limp. “Yeah, yeah.” Nezumi frowned. “At least you’re still alive.” He stuck his fingers down a little further, and finally Shion choked out a wave of alcohol. “There ya go. Good boy,” Nezumi praised.  
“Dun you s’me…” Shion slurred.  
“Shh, don’t try to talk.” Nezumi stuck his fingers back down Shion’s throat until- thank god- he threw up a mouthful of half-digested pills. “Good job!”  
“Said don’ wan y’ save me!” Shion struggled to enunciate as he hiccuped.  
“Yeah, but I’m gonna.” Nezumi had to fight to open his mouth again, but ultimately Shion was too weak.  
This continued for an amount of time Nezumi was too drugged to measure. Eventually, though, Shion seemed unable to bring anything more up, and Nezumi finally had the good sense to call an ambulance.  
It arrived seven minutes later, red and blue light flashing through the curtains and dispersing around the room.  
A paramedic knocked on the door, and Nezumi let them in. Carefully, Shion was laid on his side on a stretcher and loaded into the back of the ambulance. Nezumi followed, sitting down next to him.  
“What happened?” a woman in a yellow uniform asked him.  
Nezumi tried his best to look sober. “He tried to overdose on his antipsychotics.”  
They pulled up at the hospital, and it was then Nezumi realized he needed to call Karan. Man, he really was slow today. He didn’t have the means to do so, however, until Shion was in bed with an IV in his arm.  
“Call your mother,” he commanded.  
Shion was barely conscious, but he shook his head.  
“Shion, can’t you see the whole clone thing is a delusion? Call her, she needs to know what happened to you.” He was getting angry. The drugs were wearing off.  
Shion shook his head again.  
“Fine. I will.” He grabbed Shion’s wrist and attempted to figure out how the wristband worked. When he did, he pressed the name Clone and waited while it rang.  
“Shion!” Karan’s face appeared. “Oh. Nezumi?”  
“Shion overdosed. We’re in the hospital,” Nezumi said, preferring to be blunt. “He’s stable, but you should come quickly.”  
To his surprise, instead of freaking out, Karan just sighed. “Okay, thank you. I’ll be right there.” She hung up, a sad look in her eyes.  
“Have you done this before?” Nezumi asked, glaring at Shion.  
He didn’t answer.  
“I’m fucking pissed at you,” Nezumi scowled. “How dare you throw your life away?”  
The doctor came in with an injection. “Hopefully this will wake him up a bit, we can ask him some questions.” He looked suspiciously at Nezumi. “Are you okay?”  
“Yeah.” Nezumi shrugged.  
“What happened to your arm?” He nodded at Nezumi’s rolled up sleeve.  
“Oh.” Nezumi rolled it back down hastily, covering the track marks. “I got blood drawn.”  
“Mhm,” the doctor said skeptically. “Were you with him when he overdosed?” He inspected Shion’s arms and legs.  
“No. And he overdosed on antipsychotics.” Nezumi emphasized.  
“Mm.” The doctor still didn’t sound like he believed him. “Look, I won’t send you to the cops, you just need to tell me the truth.  
“That is the truth!” Nezumi was annoyed. “Ask him.”  
Whatever was in that injection seemed to work, as Shion was beginning to wake up. “Whaa…” He moaned. “‘M in the hospital?”  
“Can you tell me what you took?” The doctor took a much calmer tone with Shion than he did Nezumi.  
“Prazosin and Abilify,” Shion looked around himself. “How am I here?” His eyes fell on Nezumi. “Oh no… I told you to go away!”  
“Do you want him gone?” The doctor looked at Nezumi harshly.  
“Yes!” Shion struggled to keep his eyes open. “I don’t want him here.”  
“Alright, you need to leave.” The doctor frowned at Nezumi.  
“No, come on. Shion, don’t do this.” It was ridiculous. Why did he want him gone so badly? Clearly when he’d kicked Nezumi out of his house that had just been so he’d have the space to kill himself. But now? Still? Why?  
“I wanna go home.” Shion looked sadly at the IV in his arm. “Can I leave?”  
“We’re putting you on 72 hour psychiatric hold. You can’t leave.” The doctor looked at Nezumi, annoyed. “You need to leave now.”  
“Fine.” Nezumi stood and marched out. “I only saved your life, you know.” Whatever. He needed to get back to his camp anyway. He needed to sell the five grams in his backpack if he wanted to have enough money to eat. This was probably for the best. There wasn’t much he could do for Shion at this point, especially if he didn’t want him around.  
He made it to the hospital door just as Karan was arriving.  
“Oh,” she said, surprised. “Are you leaving?”  
“He doesn’t want me around,” Nezumi said bitterly. “So I figured I’d go.”  
“Where will you stay?” Karan looked concerned.  
Nezumi shrugged. “I’ll just do what I normally do.”  
“What’s that?”  
Nezumi was a little uncomfortable with the attention. “Camping. In the forest.”  
“Stay with me,” Karan touched his shoulder and Nezumi struggled against the instinct to recoil. “You can have Shion’s old room. He’ll come round eventually.”  
Nezumi hesitated. “It’s… it’s really alright. I have some friends I’ve been meaning to go see anyway. It’s a short hike to visit them, I can get there in under a week.”  
“Nonsense. Stay with me until Shion gets better. I miss having someone to cook for.” There was an edge of desperation to Karan’s voice. Pleading. “He’ll come round.”  
Nezumi bit back a sigh. “Okay. Thank you.”  
Karan beamed. “There’s a spare key under the mat if you want to let yourself in.”  
“Thank you.” Nezumi shouldered up his backpack and set off. He’d sell the drugs eventually. No rush, really, and if Karan wanted him to stay… well, she was one of the few people who had ever been altruistically kind to him. If she didn’t want to be alone dealing with Shion then he would stay for her.  
He was starting to feel itchy. His breathing was shallow as he walked. How stupid to fall back into the junk world, really. It had its hooks in him.  
Eventually he had to stop. He was exhausted, nauseous, and about to blackout. He fished a water bottle out of his backpack and shakily took a drink. Maybe someone in No. 6 would want to buy the drugs. He didn’t need that kind of temptation sitting around.  
Eventually, however, he did make it to Karan’s place. He fished the key from under the mat, and went in through the bakery.  
He still remembered where Shion’s old room was. Upstairs, a small alcove with a door that looked like it had been installed as an afterthought. There was a mattress on the floor, and a small stack of books by the dresser. Not much else.  
Nezumi took off his backpack and sat down on the bed. He was surprised Karan had never moved any of Shion’s things. The room looked untouched, unused.  
His stomach growled in protest of the drugs leaving his system, and he flopped down on the mattress to nap. Maybe he could sleep it off. It had worked before. He shut his eyes, firmly ignoring the pain in every fiber of his being.  
But the sickness grew. Eventually, desperate and sweating, Nezumi gave in.  
Spoon, water, fire, cotton, syringe, better.  
He sighed, letting the dose hit him. He’d kick when he was alone. It wasn’t good to come off heroin in public, especially not in a friend’s home.  
He made a point of rolling down his sleeve this time. It would be awful if Karan found out what he was doing. He stowed his stash and hid the evidence just in time for Karan to arrive home.  
“Nezumi, I’ll cook dinner!” she called.  
Dinner. Shit. He could never be hungry while high, that’s one of the things he loved about the drug. It really took the edge off hunger pangs. “Alright, thank you!” He called back. Oh well. He’d just have to fake it.  
By the time dinner was served, Nezumi was off the peak and in the gentle arms of the downswing. That was better, at least he wouldn’t nod out into his dinner plate.  
“This looks delicious,” he lied. Nothing would have looked good. Still, food is food and when it’s available, one must eat. He took small bites so as not to trigger his gag reflex, and slowly worked his way through ham and green beans.  
“So, Nezumi,” Karan said, making conversation. “What have you been up to these past ten years?”  
Nezumi nodded. That was a big story. He should probably lie about most of it. “This and that. Cargo, mostly. I worked on the docks and on ships.” That wasn’t technically a lie. “Saved up a bit of scratch, figured it was time to head back to No. 6. Eventually I’ll have to set out again.” Especially if he wanted to sell the nearly five grams he had in his backpack upstairs.  
“Sounds like an adventure.” Karan smiled at him. “So, what does ‘strong arming’ mean?”  
Nezumi nearly choked. “Where did you hear that?” His heart thudded in his chest.  
“Inukashi called and told me a bit about what you’d been up to. She said something like, ‘strong arming weapons off ships.’ I wasn’t sure what it meant.”  
Nezumi inwardly cursed. Best to come clean, then. If Inu and Karan were talking. He cleared his throat. “It means armed robbery.”  
There was a silence at the table for a long moment. “Well, that sounds very… exciting,” Karan said awkwardly. “So you were like a pirate?”  
“S-sorta. I didn’t…” he trailed off, figuring he’d better lie to make himself sound less… evil. “I didn’t do any of the actual… um… strong arming. I was in cargo. I just loaded the boxes onto the ships. I went where they told me.” He never should have told Inu anything. “It’s… it’s rough out there. If you’re not a part of a city there’s not much in the way of honest labor. I chose the safest job I could find, and that just happened to be loading crates of firearms for pirates.” It even sounded bad when he lied to make himself look good.  
Karan nodded. “I understand. But it’s good you’re in No. 6 now. You’ll be able to find a legal profession.”  
Even the suggestion of that gave Nezumi anxiety. “Yeah.” He tried to smile. “I’m not sure how long I’ll stay, though.” He needed to flip the junk, and he needed to get away from the city. It wasn’t for him, not his style of living. Maybe he’d become a full-time heroin dealer. He could sell the shit he had now by the grain, which would turn an easy profit since he could hike up the prices. Then, he could use that profit to buy more junk wholesale and slowly build from there.  
“Where would you go?” Karan asked as she cut into her ham. “Is there anywhere safe out there?”  
“I’ll probably visit the other cities, see what comes my way. I prefer not to have plans.” Yeah, he could definitely get into the heroin world. In fact, he was pretty sure he knew a guy who could get him a deal. Assuming he was still alive, Nezumi knew where he’d probably be found.  
“That sounds nice. You really are a wandering soul, aren’t you?” Karan smiled.  
“That’s for sure. I get antsy staying still.” Nezumi smiled back, plans formulating beneath the surface.  
He was glad dinner was over when it was, because he was starting to feel nauseous and he really wanted to go lie down. He wished Karan goodnight and walked up to bed.  
“Fuuuck.” He flopped down on Shion’s old bed and exhaled slowly through his teeth. Maybe he’d just do enough heroin to get him through this visit with Karan, then he’d kick it alone somewhere in the forest. Sounded like a solid plan. He couldn’t well go through withdrawal right in front of her, after all. That would cause her to ask too many questions. He had a total of five grams. One gram could last him a week if he was careful. He’d have to do just enough to keep the sickness at bay. Then he could sell the remaining four grams after he found his friends.  
Shion’s situation was just unfortunate. Nezumi didn’t need to make it his problem, though. If Shion didn’t want him around, then that was that. Nezumi would just take off and find his other friends. He had plenty of friends. It’s not like he needed Shion for… for emotional support or something. He could handle all of that on his own. And it’s not like Shion needed Nezumi around to help. He had little Shion for that. He had his life figured out, Nezumi would probably only make things worse. Right. Best to leave, then. Best to take his soul on the road and build up a new drug empire, make enough money to retire. Then he could just travel for the rest of his life.  
Nezumi wanted a short life. He’d never had any sort of expectation of living past… well, the next day. He’d always expected to die young, so why should his plans change? If he saved up enough scratch, he could travel for a few years until he was ready to die on a mountain peak or by the tide pools or somewhere else beautiful. That’s all he wanted. A short, beautiful life. Not that his life had been beautiful so far. In fact, it had been pretty violent and ugly. But maybe if he was really lucky he could have a brief period of beauty before he died. Was that too much to ask? Just one lovely moment then… eternal nothingness.  
Nezumi didn’t believe in an afterlife. It sounded like hell, being forced to exist for an eternity. No. Better to end at some point. All books have an ending. All sentences a nice round dot. Nezumi wanted to put the final period on his sentence sometime when he was around thirty. Four years. He could do four years, four years was easy, he could live that long. He just had to not get killed or overdose in the meantime.  
Nezumi took a long drink of water from his water bottle, hoping to keep the nausea at bay until tomorrow. He’d already shot up twice today, and he didn’t want to have to do it again. Not if he was going to make this gram last all week.  
Maybe someone around the area was selling pot. That would certainly help him decrease his need. Maybe tomorrow he’d head back out to South Block to ask his new friend about a connection. Maybe he’d check up on Shion along the way.  
No.  
He needed to stay away. He refused to let himself get attached. To get sucked in. Shion didn’t want him, didn’t need him, so Nezumi should want or need him either.  
He closed his eyes, headache building in his right temple. Sleep. That was the answer. Sleep until tomorrow when he could shoot up and run out to South Block without stopping at the hospital along the way.  
One bad thing about heroin is that it decreases your sex drive to practically nothing. Nezumi used to masturbate to fall asleep, but without that ability he lay stuck in persistent awakeness. He struggled to think of things that normally turned him on. Virgins. Scared to be touched, but they want it so badly. Want me to teach them everything I- It didn’t work. On top of the lack of sex drive all he could think of was Shion and that ruined everything. Because it was wrong to think of him that way. Not when he was like this. Not when he was so fucked up in the head. He used to be able to get off to the thought of Shion learning how to have sex. Learning how to give head. But now when he closed his eyes all he saw was the babbling schizophrenic he’d become, and that crossed a line.  
Didn’t it? It was wrong, right? Like fucking someone so drunk they can’t think straight. Shion couldn’t think straight. He’d been throwing himself at Nezumi, thinking it was all in his head. Thinking it was like ‘augmented masturbation’ to have sex with a hallucination.  
Still… was it wrong just to think about it? Because it had been pretty sexy when Shion kissed along his jaw. That was an erogenous zone for Nezumi. It had felt pretty good. And looking at him like that- all disheveled and crazy… there was something interesting about it. Like Nezumi really could take full control. Shion looked breakable, and Nezumi liked breaking things.  
Nezumi slid his hand under his underwear and tested the waters. How fucked up would it be to do this in Shion’s old bedroom? Under the care of his mother, while he was in the hospital after a suicide attempt.  
Fucked up.  
But that sort of worked for him. And hell, little else was. He was still coming down off the drugs, and his sex drive was a flighty mistress. If something worked, best to jump at that opportunity, right?  
He’s so fucking crazy, Nezumi thought to himself as he pulled off his underwear. I could have taken advantage of that. I could have.  
How would it have been? Shion with his spun out mind, messy hair and rail thin figure, pulling Nezumi into the bedroom. Not talking to him because why would he? Just a hallucination, after all. Laying down naked, open and ready, waiting expectantly.  
“Ngh, god…” Nezumi bit his lip, stroking himself to full hardness.  
Nezumi would press into him, and Shion would moan in surprise. Never been touched there before. Shocked a hallucination could feel so fucking real and good.  
“Oh my god, Nezumi?” He’d ask, suddenly coming to his senses.  
“I’m gonna fuck you sane again.” Or something like that.  
“Fuck,” Nezumi whispered. It was really working.  
He’d be so wet and tight and terrified of what was happening to him. Like all good virgins.  
“That’s... so... good,” he’d moan, gripping Nezumi’s hips as he slammed into him.  
He’d come spectacularly all over his chest, eyes widening in sudden realization of all his delusions. Understanding everything again.  
“Mmmh…” Nezumi bit down on his lower lip to stop himself from moaning as he came.  
That’s when sleep managed to come to him. It hit him suddenly, dragging his eyelids shut. He quickly cleaned himself up with his discarded underwear and pulled back on his pants, crawling under the blanket.  
It wasn’t wrong if it was just in his head. Right? Right. Either way, he fell asleep soundly, nausea subsided for now with slumber. Tomorrow he’d head back out to South Block, then he’d feel much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything felt amazing. Shion’s heart was pounding audibly in his chest, his eyes were saucers, and euphoria raced through his veins like greyhounds on a track. The world was spiralling around him, colors of every sort slamming against his eyes as he sweat through his shirt.  
> He had been sitting at home, doing nothing. Nothing at all when this feeling crept up on him. He lost all sense, all senses distorted. The smell of birthday cake filled his nose, and gentle feathers stroked his skin. He choked, unable to breathe through the glory of whatever had struck him. Was it God? Surely, something must be causing this wonderful, magical experience.  
> He gasped for breath as he sobbed joyfully. Music sweeter than candy filled his ears. Surely this was God. He was having a religious experience. He’d never been religious before, but this… this is what the prophets spoke of.  
> Care not for your life, for there is nothing but bliss eternal in Heaven. Care not for your soul, for it is forever under my protection. Care not, my son, and come to me.  
> “Okay.” Shion stood shakily, struggling to find his feet. “Mom!” He called out, stunned. “Come quick!”  
> Karan walked in from the other room. “What is it?”  
> Shion could barely make out her face among the swirling colors. “Do you see this?”  
> “See what?”  
> Slowly, the feeling slipped away. Shion grabbed for it with his mind, but missed. “I just spoke to God.”  
> Karan looked at him oddly. “What?”  
> “He told me to kill myself to get into Heaven.” He grabbed his mother’s arms. “You have to come with me. Mom, it’s beautiful. It’s… it’s the best thing I’ve ever experienced.”  
> Karan looked wary. “What are you saying? Shion, you… you can’t kill yourself.”  
> “God told me to, Mom. He said it himself. It’s okay, I’ll be fine. You can come with me.” He looked around, trying to formulate a plan. “How should I do it?”  
> “I think we should go to the hospital.” Karan looked sad. She wasn’t getting it. She wasn’t understanding how perfect and amazing it had been.  
> “No, no, no. This is different, though.” It wasn’t like the monsters and demons that followed him. He knew now that those were fake. “This is real.”  
> “Just come with me to the hospital, we can see what the doctor thinks.” She took his hand.  
> That’s when Shion got suspicious. “Why? Why don’t you want this for me? Don’t you love me?”  
> “Of course I do, sweetheart.”  
> “Then let me do this! Why are you being so…”  
> She’s not real. She’s been replaced.  
> Shion froze. “Really?”  
> “Really what?”  
> Really. Run away. She’ll only try to harm you.  
> Shion pulled his hand away from his mother. “Since when?”  
> “Since when what?” She looked distressed. That probably meant she knew he knew she was lying. She really was a fake.  
> Shion backed away slowly, headed for the door. “I… I have to…” He bolted.  
> She tried to chase after him, but he was too fast. He ran out the door, down the street, and hid around a corner, panting. “Oh my god. What do I do?”  
> Kill yourself. Go to Heaven. She’s been replaced.  
> Shion nodded. “You’re right. You’re right. I have to do it now. Before she finds me.” He looked up at the fire escape above his head. If he got up there, he could get to the roof and jump. Easy peasy. Then, he could experience that amazing feeling for an eternity. With Nezumi. In Heaven.  
> He jumped and pulled himself up onto the fire escape. Just one flight of stairs, then euphoria. Perfect ecstacy forever.  
> All he needed to do was jump.


	7. And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush

It always took Nezumi a long time to brush through his hair. It was becoming cumbersome. He was just combing through the ends when Karan knocked on the door.

“I’m going to visit Shion, would you like to come with me?”

No, not at all. “Yes, alright. That sounds good.” He stood up gingerly, aching all over. He needed to fix. Maybe he’d just take a quick shot before they left, not enough to have him nodding out, but enough to keep him normal. “When were you thinking of leaving?”

“In about an hour. I just need to finish up these cookies.”

Perfect. “Sounds good. I’ll be ready then.” He heard the sounds of her footsteps walking away.

Quickly, he searched through his backpack for his kit. Spoon, water, fire, cotton, syringe,  _ better.  _ He sighed, relaxing into Shion’s pillows. He should get dressed.

Smiling like a maniac and feeling good, he packed everything back in his backpack and changed clothes.

That left him with nearly an hour to relax. How nice. He leaned back in bed and stared at the ceiling. Interesting the way the textured roof seemed to form shapes. Like looking at the clouds. Nezumi saw a dog, an old woman, an alligator, a lobster… He was dozing off. Maybe just a quick nap.

He woke up to the sound of Karan knocking on his door. “Ready to go?”

Nezumi checked the time on the clock on the wall. That had felt like no time at all. “Yes.” He stood, feeling the residual drugs in his veins. He pulled himself together, putting on a fake smile as he opened the door. “Ready.”

“Great!” Karan smiled back at him.

Together, they took a car to the hospital. All the cars drove themselves in No. 6. It was interesting. Nobody owned their own car, they just called the nearest one to come pick them up and take them to their location.

Shion was in the cafeteria, eating a bowl full of something like oatmeal. He spotted them almost as soon as they walked in, and sighed. “Hello.”

Cautiously, Karan approached him. “How are you feeling, honey?”

Shion took a long time to answer. “Tired.” He stared dully ahead of himself rather than look at his mother.

“Did they give you something?” She inspected his eyes as Nezumi crept closer.

Shion nodded slowly. “Injections.” He looked down at his food and sighed again, pushing it away. Carefully, like an old man, he stood and shuffled over to Nezumi. “I’m sorry.”

Nezumi raised a surprised eyebrow. “Really?”

After a disturbingly long moment, Shion nodded. “These drugs…” he trailed off, looking like he might fall asleep where he stood. “These drugs made me see I was mean to you.” He closed his eyes, really looking like he might pass out.

“Do you want to sit down or something?” Nezumi offered.

Shion shook his head, blinking his eyes open again. “No, I’ll fall asleep. I’m sorry I was so weird when you showed up, and I’m sorry I tried to send you away yesterday. Were you okay?” His words were slow, burbling like molasses. He was clearly half asleep.

“What do you mean, was I okay? I’m here.” He shrugged.

“I mean…” Shion huffed with the effort of speaking. “Did you find a place to stay?”

Karan shook her head furtively.

“I…” Nezumi thought about it. “With Inu.”

“Oh. That’s good.” Shion’s voice was flat.

“What did they give you?” Nezumi asked, finding the whole thing funny.

“Clozaril.” Shion blinked sleepily. “Never tried it before. It’s working.” His head nodded forwards. “They just gave it to me before you showed up.”

“What does it do?”

“Makes me…” Shion’s eyes fell shut. “Um… Normal.”

“And sleepy,” Nezumi added.

Shion nodded. “And sleepy. It works on the dopamine receptors in my brain, limiting the amount that can be released. Too much dopamine causes schizophrenia.”

“And you’re still aware that I’m real?” Nezumi asked.

“Mhm.” Shion’s eyes were half lidded.

“And your mother?”

Shion didn’t answer for a while, tears coming to his eyes. “I’m… working on it.”

Karan looked surprised. “You’re working on it?” She took a step closer to him, and Shion backed away.

“Still working on it. I’ll get there.” He sighed. “I have to be here another two and a half days.”

“Well, yeah. You tried to kill yourself.”

Shion shook his head. “Wouldn’t you?”

“Would I?” Nezumi was surprised. “No.”

“You say that now. Imagine if you were me. If this hell was your life.” The tears in his eyes threatened to spill over. “I hate myself. Truly, I do. A deep, burning, passionate hatred. And I want to die. I want to die like a man lost in the desert wants a drink of water.”

Karan turned away, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“What if-” Nezumi began.

“If, if, if.” Shion frowned. “Everyone says if. If I get better. If I don’t feel this way tomorrow. If I fail and disable myself. If only I would take my medications every day. No, if only I wasn’t like this then maybe I’d be happy. But I am like this, so I’m not happy. I will never be happy. I will only ever be manic. Do you know what happened last time I was manic?”

Nezumi shook his head.

“I tried to kill myself. So if happiness is indistinguishable from mania for me, then it’s safest never to be happy. So then I get depressed. And do you know what happens when I get depressed?”

“You try to kill yourself?” Nezumi guessed.

“I try to kill myself!” Shion’s voice was still dull, even as he shouted. “And even when I’m not depressed, which is rarely, the voices are commanding I do it anyway. They’re constantly trying to trick me into it. So how do I know? How do I know what to do? I can’t win.” He gasped like he’d exhausted himself. “I’m tired. Let’s go to my room.” He looked at his mom with a scowl. “Don’t come here again.” He grabbed Nezumi’s arm and tugged him away.

Nezumi shot Karan an apologetic look. She shook her head and held up her hand, but Nezumi could tell she was about to cry again.

They walked up a flight of stairs to the psychological ward, and found room 205. Shion sat down on the bed with a sigh. “I hate it here.”

“I don’t blame you.” The room was a dull blue, with a small window in the corner letting in natural light. It felt clinical and cramped, like nobody’s home.

“I love you, you know.” Shion said suddenly.

“What?” Nezumi replied, thrown by the sudden turn of events.

“Yeah, I thought I’d say it.” Shion shrugged and yawned.

“I…” Nezumi gaped, not sure what to say.

“You don’t have to say it back.” Shion scooted further onto the bed, pulling his feet up with him. “I don’t expect that from you. Plus, I know it’s hard to love me like this.”

Nezumi sat down on the edge of the bed. “Yeah. I don’t know if I can say something like that so flippantly.”

“It’s not flippant,” Shion said. “I’ve known it for a really long time. You’re the only person I will ever be in love with.” He sighed. “That’s why I was so upset when you showed up. I thought you were just my imagination torturing me. Showing me what I couldn’t have. Now I know you’re real. Not that I can have you now anyway. Schizophrenia messed that up for me too.” He looked away sadly. “But I thought I should tell you.”

The only person he’d ever be in love with? That was a heavy responsibility to bear. “Part of me wishes I could stay with you, Shion.” He kicked off his shoes and got up in bed with him. “A large part of me.”

“Part of me really wants you to stay,” Shion replied. “Most of me.”

“I have business I need to attend to.” Nezumi eyed his backpack.

Shion caught his glance. “Oh. You mean right now?”

“I think I’ll leave once you’re out of the hospital.” He needed to get to the woods so he could withdraw.

“What sort of business?”

Nezumi thought about it. “Do you want the truth?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I’m leaving to be a drug dealer.” There. He said it.

“Oh.” Shion didn’t even sound surprised. “Do you do drugs?”

Nezumi nodded. “But I’m quitting. Soon. I just need to leave the city first.”

Shion took his hand. “We could help each other, you know.”

“You don’t want to watch heroin withdrawal.”

That’s when Shion looked surprised. “Heroin?”

“Yeah. A sort of suicide of my own, I suppose.” He gave a weak smile. “Maybe I’m crazy too.”

“Then it would be immoral of me to touch you,” Shion mocked, pulling his hand away.

“Is that how you took it?” Nezumi laughed.

“How else could you have meant it?” Shion smiled. “It’s not like you weren’t into it, you kissed me back at first.”

“I was into it. I’m into you,” Nezumi admitted. “Even after I realized you were crazy.”

Shion was silent for a moment. “Even now?”

It was like the air in the room grew suddenly warmer. “Yeah,” Nezumi whispered. “Yeah, I am.”

Shion scrutinized Nezumi’s expression. “Am I still taboo?”

_ Ngh.  _ Nezumi took a deep breath. “Yeah, you are.” He reached out to touch Shion’s cheek, which was lightly pinked. “You’re so fucking crazy.”

Shion leaned in slowly, like he was still concerned he might be rejected again. When he wasn’t, he kissed Nezumi gently, parting his lips just slightly. “Break the rules.”

Nezumi had to bite back a moan. “You turn me on even when I’m high. That’s how badly I want you.”

Shion gasped. “Are you high right now?”

“Have to be,” Nezumi muttered. “Or I couldn’t be here.”

Shion blinked. “I… I think I like that.” He squirmed.

“Yeah, we’re both fucked up. I like innocence and you like damage. Good news. We’re a match.” He kissed back as Shion leaned in again.

“I really hope the nurses don’t come in.” Shion whispered anxiously.

“Don’t worry about it.” Nezumi kissed along Shion’s jaw, making him shudder. “Let’s just have fun.”

Shion closed his eyes, biting down on his bottom lip as Nezumi kissed his neck. “Oh… oh my god...”

“Mm, you really  _ are  _ a virgin.” Deep hunger for the boy in front of him consumed Nezumi from the ground up, and he laid Shion out on the bed, pulling their bodies against each other. “I bet nobody else has ever even kissed you.”

Shion shook his head. “N-no.”

“Good.” Nezumi kissed him hard, entwining their tongues and pulling their hips together, grinding down.

Shion was squirming like he might come just from that. “Ah, Nezumi-”

“Shh, relax. Just feel it.” Nezumi pulled the shirt of Shion’s hospital scrubs over his head and discarded it. He took off his own shirt after that, revealing the track marks on his arm.

Shion reached out to touch, sighing. “Oh no…”

“Do you like that I’m broken?” Nezumi whispered, smirking. “That I’m street scum? Just a gutter punk drug dealer junkie?”

Shion nodded, lips parted. “I do.”

Nezumi ran his hands down Shion’s chest. “Then let me touch you with the hands I cook up with.”

“Cook up?”

“Prepare heroin injections,” Nezumi explained, smiling. “You don’t know much at all, do you?”

Shion shook his head. “But you like me clueless, right?”

“God yes.” Nezumi unzipped his pants. “Stay stupid.”

Shion’s eyes widened. “This is really happening.”

Nezumi pulled off his pants and palmed himself through his underwear. “Yep.”

“In a mental hospital,” Shion added breathlessly.

Nezumi shuddered, liking the sound of that. “Yep.” He pulled off Shion’s soft pants and tossed them away with his shirt. His eyes raked over Shion’s half naked form, pale and lean with that strangely alluring scar wrapped around his body. “You’re beautiful.” Nezumi removed Shion’s underwear slowly, letting his cock spring free.

Shoin flushed. “It feels wrong to be so naked.”

“Not to me. Feels very right.” Nezumi took off his own underwear and ground their cocks together.

Shion covered his mouth with his hand, barely holding back a moan. “D-do that more.”

Nezumi rocked their hips together, eyes open and staring at Shion’s flushed cheeks and parted lips. “Want me to suck you off?”

Shion hesitated, the nodded, shutting his eyes tight. He was already leaking precum, panting like he’d run a mile.

“Sit up on the edge of the bed.” Nezumi swung his legs over the side and stood, stroking himself gently.

Shion seemed so uncomfortable, it was adorable. He sat with his legs crossed on the edge of the bed, eyes still closed.

“You’re gonna have to spread ‘em if you want me to do anything,” Nezumi pointed out.

Shion nodded, swallowing hard, and did as he was told.

Nezumi got down on his knees, earning a quick gasp from Shion. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” He ran his hand down Shion’s length slowly, leaning in to flick his tongue along the tip. He wrapped his lips around the head, sucking gently.

“Oohh…” Shion sighed.

Nezumi laughed. “You’re easy to please.”

“Am not…” Shion muttered, his flushed cheeks betraying him. “Ah…” he moaned as Nezumi ran his tongue up the shaft, toes curling. “Stop teasing me.”

“What, you want to get this over with?” He shrugged, quickly sliding his mouth down to the base and swallowing.

Shion’s eyes shot open wide. “Ah!” He clapped a hand over his mouth, looking nervously at the door. “That’s not what I meant! I meant verbally!”

Nezumi responded with a quick bob of his head.

Shion sighed. “Not that I’m complaining.” He frowned. “Why are you so good at this?”

Nezumi pulled away. “Sounds like you are complaining.”

“No, just…”

“Jealous?” He grinned. “Because who else have I done this to if I’m so good at it? Oh my gosh, what kind of life must I lead?” he mocked, grinning up at Shion’s annoyed expression.

“I don’t care who else you’ve done this to. I don’t want to know.” He looked away.

“You don’t want to know, or you don’t care? Because if you really don’t care-”

“Can you just-” Shion huffed.

“What, get back to it?” Nezumi smirked. “Right away, your highness.” He pumped Shion’s cock a few times before leaning back down to swallow it to the hilt. He hummed as he bobbed his head, closing his eyes and enjoying Shion’s pants and moans.

“Ah- ah- oh, mmm…” Shion shuddered. “I- I- I-” His hips shuddered as his legs rolled open. He came a moment later, and Nezumi pulled away, swallowing.

Shion sighed, eyes half lidded. “Wow.” He smiled slowly as Nezumi stood. “Can I try that?”

Nezumi laughed. “First off, I doubt I can come right now. Too far gone. Secondly, you can’t do what I just did. If you could, I’d be very surprised and a little concerned. Thirdly, you’re falling asleep.”

Shion close his eyes, nodding. “I am. But I want to make you happy.”

“We’ll do this again when you’re out of the hospital. How about that?” Nezumi collected their clothes from the floor. “Once the Clozaril and heroin wear off a bit.” He handed Shion his hospital scrubs.

Shion dressed himself. “Okay. Something to look forward to.”

“Exactly.” Nezumi dressed too, and combed through his hair a bit with his fingers, hoping to look less disheveled. He gave up halfway through. “Now, I have to get to South Block for reasons you don’t need to know about, so I’d better get going.”

Shion looked disappointed. “Okay.” His eyes blinked shut. “I’m tired…”

Nezumi looked at him fondly. “Get some sleep. I’ll be there to greet you once you get out of the hospital.”

Shion flopped down in bed. “Okay. I love you.” He curled up under the blanket.

“Mhm. See you later.” Nezumi crept out of the room and made his way downstairs. Off to South Block.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shion was sitting with his legs crossed, facing the wall, trying desperately to meditate. His social worker had suggested it, said that it might help with the anxiety. She’d been a big help so far, so he figured he’d listen to her. Thanks to her, he was finally living alone, supported by the government in the West Block projects. Ironic, he was one of the people to help write the law that put the projects in place. But it meant he didn’t have to live on the streets anymore, which was good. He’d been in a bad place since leaving his old home where his “mother” lived. Living outside, sleeping very little out of sheer paranoia, let alone the actual danger of being outdoors past dark.  
> Hands were running down his body. He couldn’t shake the sensation. The more he tried to focus on his breathing, the more he felt them sliding under his clothes. It was making him uncomfortable.  
> We love you. Take your clothes off. Play with us.  
> The voices were whispering, trying to coerce him to get naked. He knew what they wanted, and he wasn’t going to give it to them. Recently, some of the voices had turned distinctly sexual, a side effect (he guessed) of the antipsychotics messing with his hormone levels.  
> They persisted despite his insistent cries of no, slipping under his pants and making him jump.  
> “No. I’m centered. I’m balanced. My mind is empty.” He stared angrily at the wall, which was morphing and expanding in front of him. “I’m empty. Blank. Nothingness.” He shut his eyes, hoping that would help.  
> The colors behind his eyelids swirled psychedelically, and he tried to focus on that. At least that was neutral.  
> Still, the hands gripped at his flesh, inappropriate touching not subsiding. He groaned, giving up on meditation and laying down flat on the floor. He stared at the ceiling and just cried as it went on and on, every inch of his body violated by hallucination.  
> His life was frustration. It never stopped, it never got old. It was always just as new and horrific as the first day. Something about his mind didn’t let him grow accustomed to it. No, there was always something new to be disturbed by. Always something around the corner to pop up and scare him.  
> Shion screamed into the dim light of his bedroom, chest tight with anxiety and anger as the hands continued their stroking, caressing, massaging. His body was reacting against his will, which was embarrassing. Maybe if he masturbated it would go away. Maybe the hands would leave him alone.  
> Wiping the tears from his face, he pulled down his pants and took himself in hand, trying to think about anything else. Anything else. Anything but the waking nightmare that was his life.  
> He touched himself to the fantasy of normalcy. Of being with Nezumi back in that room when they were sixteen. Of being the one with the fewest problems. Being better than him. Nezumi being worse, more damaged, more broken, more sad.  
> He thought about them touching each other, how Nezumi would treat it like it was nothing. Easiest thing in the world to have that kind of intimacy. Like it wasn’t scary. Wasn’t rare or special or anything but sex. That’s what Shion wanted. Sex without baggage. Just fleeting happiness and respite from the rest of the cold, uncaring universe.  
> He came with that thought on his mind, and the hands disappeared. Faded away to nothingness. He panted, exhausted, and sat back up.  
> “I’m disgusting.” He scowled at himself and stood to go to the bathroom and clean up. “I hate myself.”  
> At least the hallucinations were gone.


	8. And a quiet old lady who was whispering “hush”

The party was raging wildly, blue lights adding a migraine-flavored edge to the commotion of drugs and alcohol. Incense was burning in every corner, Buddhist paintings on the walls. The stark contrast of religion to hedonism was striking, and Nezumi gaped dully at a statue of Bodhidharma while contemplating existence.

The marijuana was hitting his brain just right, taking the edge off the junk cravings enough to keep him from running back for more. He wasn’t entirely sure how he’d wound up in this place, he’d blacked out long before arriving, but he was happy to have somewhere to be for a while. He didn’t want to show up at Karan’s house drunk, high, and evening off heroin. How he was still on his feet was a mystery even to him.

“Hey, brother. Come sit down.” A man slid an arm around Nezumi’s waist and directed him to a couch. It wasn’t until they were seated that Nezumi realized it was Foster.

“Oh. Hey.” Nezumi blinked sleepily.

“How’s your schizophrenic?” he asked, clapping Nezumi on the shoulder.

“He’s…” Nezumi trailed off, getting distracted by a girl hanging string lights. “Oh, um… he’s fine. Got an injection of something. Doing better. Just visited him.”

“You look like  _ you  _ got an injection of something.” Foster laughed. “You doin’ alright?”

“I… I did. Yeah. Do I look that bad?” He looked at his hands anxiously, like that might tell him something.

“No, no, man. You’re all good. I just know you’re a user, so I figured you weren’t rolling or nothing. Right? But you got that slack-jawed face like maybe something’s up.”

Nezumi nodded slowly. “I have no goddamn clue how I’m gonna detox from this shit.”

“Didn’t you do it before?” Foster asked, sniffing harshly.

“Yeah, but I had money for food and shit back then. I just holed up in an apartment for a few weeks and let it happen. Now I’m gonna be homeless again, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” He had no idea why he was bearing his soul this way to Foster. Maybe it was all the drugs.

Foster nodded awkwardly. “Yeah, that’s… that’s rough. Are you not a citizen of No. 6?”

“No, why?” Nezumi wrinkled his nose.

“Well, they have medical detox programs. Free for citizens. That’s how come I’m still alive today, man.”

“Thought you hadn’t kicked yet,” Nezumi reminded him.

“I’ve kicked  _ several  _ times in the hospital. You should look into becoming a citizen. Where are you from anyway?” He sniffed again.

“West Block. Just never… never did the citizen thing.” He shrugged.

Foster clapped. “Well,  _ shiiit.  _ You can become a citizen today if you wanna! Easy peasy, no problemo brother! They got a program for that.”

“Absolutely not,” he insisted. “I’m not gonna be a citizen of No. 6.”

“What, you’d rather let yourself die out in the woods coming off H? ‘Cause that’s what’s likely to happen. Don’t think you’re better than this place, you need fuckin’ help, man.” Foster watched Nezumi’s expression closely. “Look, there’s government help available. Housing, jobs, rehab… take advantage of what No. 6 can do. What Shion did for all of us.”

Nezumi was surprised. “You know what he did?”

“Fuck yeah I know that guy!” Foster grinned. “Voted for him twice. I had the sticker and everything. Dunno what happened to him, though. Dropped off the face of the Earth, pretty much. Don’t even know if he’s alive still.”

“Do you know who I am?” Nezumi asked, interest suddenly piqued.

Foster stared for a moment, then slowly shook his head. “Should I?”

“I tore down the wall. Me and him.”

“You  _ know  _ him?” Foster’s jaw dropped. “Shit, do you know what happened to him?”

“Yeah, he’s the one I just visited in the hospital!”

Foster gaped. “Your schizophrenic boyfriend? That’s Shion?”

“He’s not my-” Nezumi shook himself. “Yeah. Him.”

Foster whooped. “Shit, man! Wow! What a coincidence!” He beamed. “You gotta tell him I respect him lots, man. You gotta tell him I said hi.” Foster’s face fell as the realization seemed to suddenly dawn on him. “Oh shit, he went crazy.”

“Yeah.” Nezumi looked away. “He did.” The crushing weight of that sat on his shoulders. “I dunno what to do about it.”

“Oh man, you gotta take him to No. 4,” Foster said nodding repeatedly.

“No. 4?” Nezumi asked, sitting up straighter. “Why?”

“They have a program down there, for schizos? Yeah. It’s supposed to be really good.” He grinned. “You gotta send him there.”

“How do you know this?” Nezumi blinked, thrown.

“Oh, I was a doctor,” Foster laughed. “Don’t look it, do I? Yeah, an opiate addiction’ll do that. Started off on my own meds, ya know? Hydrocodone and shit. Moved on to the big boys like morphine and heroin from there. Even did opium for a while. That’s how come I’m alive, get it? I’m good at measuring out the proper doses. Lost my license, though. Bummer.”

“Wow.” Nezumi slowly grinned. “Never woulda pegged you for a doctor.”

Foster sat up straighter. “Well, it’s my professional opinion that Shion could benefit from the therapeutic practices of the Green Haven mental healthcare community. They offer CBT sessions in both group and one-on-one formats, medication regulation, and have on staff social workers and crisis teams to help set up a stable foundation if and when he leaves the community. It’s truly a unique community, a holistic approach to the complexities of schizophrenia.”

Nezumi gaped. “Um… thanks. No, I’ll look into it.”

“Dope, dude.” Foster slouched again. “I want him to get the help he needs.” Foster took a few quick breaths, like he was struggling to breathe. “So, where you staying tonight?”

“I don’t figure I’ll sleep tonight.” Nezumi shrugged. “I don’t wanna go back to his mom’s house fucked up.”

Foster nodded, eyes wide like that was the most fascinating thing ever. “For real, for real. Just gonna wander around then? Once the party dies down?”

Nezumi nodded. “Maybe I’ll grab some coffee or something. Once the restaurants open in the morning. What time is it?” He checked the clock on the wall. “Shit, only 1 am. I got a long time.”

“I’ll keep you company.” Foster laughed. “I ain’t gonna sleep tonight either.”

Nezumi looked him up and down. “Cocaine?”

“Yuuuup!” Foster grinned. “Helps me get in the spirit.” He clapped his hands together as he laughed harder. “It’s a good party!”

Nezumi sighed, leaning back into the couch. “I’m so tired.”

“What, you want a line?”

Nezumi laughed. “No. I have enough addiction in my life.” He rubbed his eyes. “I need caffeine.”

“24 hour diner?” Foster suggested. “I know a good place.”

Nezumi sat up. “That sounds really nice, actually.”

Foster leapt to his feet. “Follow me!” He bounded out the door, nearly toppling the statue of Bodhidharma as he did so.

Nezumi shuffled after him, eyes half closed. He was on so many downers, he worried his heart might stop if he fell asleep. Best to get something like caffeine in his system. “Slow down…” he complained as Foster raced ahead.

“Can’t! Gotta go at the speed of my brain!” He whooped with laughter and dashed back to Nezumi. “Hurry up, let’s go!” He took Nezumi’s hand and dragged him along.

They stumbled into the street and set off, Foster singing to himself loudly.

_ “Keepin’ you close! Falling behind! I lost my voice, you lost your mind. _

_ They say you’re not well, I say that you’re fine, walking with me through the aisles of a drug store. _

_ If you return to me, oh if you return to me.” _

“What’s that song?” Nezumi asked, liking the sound of it.

“Beacon Hill, man. It’s about schizophrenia.” He kept singing,  _ “Your mother’s a fake, a phantom who steals, the smile on your face is not what you feel. _

_ I’ll check you in if you check me out some lonesome wrist cutter who says I’m her brother. _

_ If you return to me, oh if you return to me.” _

“Wow.” Nezumi nodded. “That does apply to us.”

_ “Was I a ghost or one of your voices you hear in your head when you’re out killing horses, _

_ Who’s taken my place? Who’s taking you home? I don’t think it’s safe to turn out the nightlight. _

_ If you return to me, oh if you return to me.” _

Nezumi felt like crying. “He thinks his mother’s a clone.”

Foster nodded sadly. “It’s a terrible disease. Saps the light right out of you. It’s crazy, man. Schizophrenia is a trip. It’s insane how it just… takes over. Everything. The delusions, the hallucinations… makes me question, what even is reality? What if everything we’re seeing is all in our head? I mean, biologically speaking, it  _ is  _ all in our head. Our brain creates this interpretation of reality, and everyone’s interpretation has flaws. But for the most part we’re on the same page, right? Or are we? What about those gaps? Like, if someone believes something that ain’t true, like for example how everyone’s got different religions. They can’t all be right, so what’s the deal? Whose reality is the true reality? The Hindus? The Muslims? The Christians? Like, who knows? And besides all that, there’s gaps in our understanding just because we’re human. Our brains make up stuff to fill in lost information, did you know there’s a part of your eye that can’t see? Called the blind spot. Well, you don’t see a gap in your vision, that’s where your brain just makes stuff up to fill in the blanks. What it thinks is probably there. But it gets it wrong sometimes. Or sometimes it’s just got too many of the wrong chemical. Like dopamine. Or LSD. Too much or too little of some chemical messes the brain up too. You know, everyone’s got delusions of some sort. How many people do you know who got anxiety? Everyone, pretty much. Well, that’s delusion! That’s paranoia and ideas of reference. How many people you know got depression? That’s delusion too! Thinking that way, the sadness with no purpose. That shit’s all delusion, man. Phobias are incredibly delusional. They take some random thing and create a whole fear-scape around it. That’s some delusion to the extreme. OCD, that’s delusion too. It’s all delusion. Hallucination, hell, everyone gets that too. You know you see the walls breathing, see your dead grandmother for a second, maybe you hear someone calling your name. Yeah, it’s all hallucination. It’s a spectrum, man. From totally “normal” all the way to schizophrenia, and everyone falls somewhere on it. Schizotypal- you heard of that? It’s like schizophrenia-lite. And three percent of the population got that! One percent of the population got schizophrenia. That’s four percent of the population right there who’s psychotic! Add the eighteen percent who got anxiety, the seven percent with depression, and the one percent with OCD, look who’s abnormal now? It’s you and me, buddy.” He poked Nezumi in the chest. “You and me. So what even is reality if not an agreement by the general population? If such a large percentage see something else, then where does that leave real life, dude? Up in the air, it’s all junk. All of it.”

He babbled like this until they arrived at the cafe. That’s when he seemed to crash. “Ugh… I gotta go to the bathroom. Sure you don’t wanna come with? Better than caffeine.”

“I’m sure.” Nezumi shook his head, smiling tiredly. “I’ve done cocaine, it’s not for me.”

Foster shrugged. “Get us a table. I’ll be right back.” He waved to the sleepy hostess and dashed off to the bathroom.

“Um… table for two,” Nezumi requested sheepishly as the hostess gave him a knowing look.

“This way.” She led him to a table and slapped two menus down in front of him.

“Thanks.” Nezumi flipped open the menu and pretended to read it. He wasn’t hungry. Just needed some coffee.

Foster came back a moment later, huge smile on his face. “Much better! Man, I sure do love blow. Ha!” He clapped. “Alright, coffee. Ey, can we get some coffee over here?” He called to the waitress, who gave him an exhausted look.

“Alright, just give me a minute.” She was talking to other customers.

“Man, I’m starving. Getting me some pancakes. Paaaaancakes.” He drew the word out in a sing-songy voice. “How bout you, man? Hungry at all?”

Nezumi shook his head. “No. Just coffee.”

The waitress approached. “Just the coffee, then?”

“Pancakes for me,” Foster said with a grin. “Please and thank you very much.”

“You?” She looked at Nezumi, clearly annoyed with their very presence.

“Just coffee,” Nezumi muttered. “Thanks.”

She took their menus and walked away from the table, rolling her eyes.

“She knows we’re druggies.” Nezumi shrunk down, paranoid. “Think she’ll call the cops?”

“Hell no,” Foster said confidently. “Cops can’t do shit anyway, they gotta catch you in the act. That’s the problem with prohibition, man. Drives us underground, where shit gets dangerous. Better to openly do drugs where doctors can monitor. I was a doctor, I’d know.”

“Hey.” Nezumi sat up, curiosity suddenly striking him. “You’re a doctor. Do schizophrenics have capacity to consent?”

Foster froze for a moment, then burst out laughing. “You’re hilarious, you know that? Do they have capacity to consent… Oh man, what have  _ you  _ been up to? Feeling guilty bout something? Huh?” He choked on laughter. “Nez, you’s a funny one.”

“I’m serious,” Nezumi complained, feeling stupid. “It’s been a big fight.”

Foster wiped his eyes, gasping for breath. “Alright, alright. I mean… yeah, some of ‘em. Depends, ya know? On what kind of state they’re in. Depends on the relationship, what’s going on at the time.” He leaned forwards on his elbows. “Dish, girl. Tell me the story.”

“Alright, fuck you.” Nezumi scowled, looking away. “This is why you lost your license.”

“No, heroin is why I lost my license. My bedside manner just got me bad reviews online.” He smirked. “So, you slept with a schizophrenic, now you feel guilty. Is that the problem?”

“I didn’t sleep with him,” Nezumi defended himself. “I just-” He shook his head, shutting his mouth. “Doesn’t matter. Don’t even know why I asked you.”

“Look, you gotta chill, man.” Foster leaned back as the waitress brought their coffee. “Thanks, doll. So, Nez- you gotta relax. People get so uptight about consent issues, is it okay to do this or that or the other- who the fuck cares? Just don’t get caught.”

“Wow.” Nezumi shook his head. “You’re a bad person. I’m not worried about getting caught, idiot. I’m worried if it’s the right thing to do.”

Foster shrugged. “Is he over eighteen? Is he sober? Is he aware enough to ask for it? Then you’re good. It’s not so complicated.”

“I shouldn’t have asked your advice.” Nezumi sighed, hiding his face in his coffee cup.

Foster stared at him for a long time. “You know what I think the problem is, Nez? You’re not attracted to him.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yeah, I think it is. You’re saying you won’t sleep with him, I think the schizophrenia kills it for you. I think it’s not about your fear of nonconsent, I think you just don’t wanna fuck a psycho. You haven’t slept with him yet, right?”

“Right. But, I mean… he definitely makes me…”

“So?” Foster shrugged. “Anyone would be turned on by Shion, he’s fucking brilliant. Or, was. So you’re attracted to who he was before. Dude, same. I’m straight and I’d do him. I think if you could force yourself to forget what happened to him, then you could force yourself to have sex with him. And that’s why you’re here. ‘Cause you think you’re gonna make him better. Well, you could go with him to No. 4. To Green Haven. But you don’t want to do that, do you really? Do you want to wait on him while he works on recovery? You’re a transient, man. And you got your own problems. Clean yourself out.”

That hit home. Nezumi stared for a long while into his coffee cup, watching the steam twist around the surface. “I need to send him to No. 4. And I need to become a citizen of No. 6.”

“That’s right.” Foster grinned as the waitress set a plate of pancakes down in front of him. “Woo! Thanks!” He dug in ravenously. “Oh man! Coke makes me hungry. Woo!”

An older woman at the next table shushed him.

“Blow me.” He raised a middle finger as he stuffed his face. “Nez, you got a good plan going. Don’t fuck it up. Follow through. Take advantage of the guaranteed basic income, go to rehab, go to fucking therapy, then get a job. A real job, not selling horse.”

“Oh shit.” Nezumi remembered. “I gotta sell off the rest of this stuff.” His shoulders collapsed. “What am I gonna do?”

“So sell it all first. You got time. It’s only five grams.”

“Four now.”

“Even easier. You got this, man. You can do it.” Foster smiled encouragingly, syrup all over his face. “It’s gonna be great.”

“Yeah…” Nezumi sipped his coffee slowly, pondering his new life plan. A citizen of No. 6, huh? Wild. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe it would all work out in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ground was fake. Hollow. Beneath it lay some hidden realm Shion wasn’t permitted to know about, though he desperately wanted to. What was going on? Why was the government keeping secrets like this? He pressed his ear to the sidewalk, hoping to hear something.  
> “Hey, man. You okay?” A man behind him on the sidewalk stopped to ask.  
> “Do you hear it?” Shion asked, looking up desperately.  
> “Hear what?”  
> “The voices underground.” He could hear them whispering, their voices echoing below the hollow earth.  
> “Oh… Okay.” The man smiled pityingly. “Have a nice day.”  
> “I’m not crazy,” Shion insisted, scowling. “People always say that!”  
> The man nodded a few times, then reached into his pocket. “Here, take a five. Get something to eat.” He pressed a bill into Shion’s hands.  
> “I’m not-” that wasn’t entirely true. He was technically homeless. He’d run away from his mother’s house, which he totally had the right and cause to do. She was a clone, after all. The past few nights to a week (he’d lost track of time) he had been on the streets, trying to figure out what the source of the voices was. They seemed to emanate from underground, which is how he had come to this theory. “I don’t…” He huffed in frustration. “I don’t need you to help me.” He tried to hand it back.  
> The man held up his hands. “It’s cool, man. Have a good day.” He walked away.  
> Shion sighed and pocketed the money. Oh well.  
> Whispers from the ground continued to reach his ears. It was amazing nobody else seemed to hear it. Maybe they were all brainwashed. Maybe they were all clones. Maybe he was the only real person left.  
> Paranoia gripped his chest like an icy fist. “I have to get out of here.” He dashed down the street, avoiding eye contact with everybody. He needed to head for the woods. Maybe he could find Nezumi, ask him what he thought about all this. Regardless, he needed to leave the city. It wasn’t safe.  
> “Shion?” A familiar voice spoke up from behind him.  
> “Inukashi.” Shion turned around to face her, glad to see someone he knew. “Tell me you’ve heard it.”  
> She frowned. “Heard what?”  
> “The voices underground. Listen.” He held up his hand for silence.  
> 25… blasphemy… somewhere…  
> “Do you hear that?”  
> “No, what are they saying?” Inukashi looked at him earnestly. Finally, someone who believed him. “Is something wrong? Is the city in danger?”  
> Shion shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what’s going on. I had to leave my mother’s house, she’s been replaced by a clone.”  
> “By a clone?!” Inukashi looked horrified. “How do you know?”  
> “I can tell.” Shion looked at her darkly. “We have to get out of here. It isn’t safe.”  
> “Okay. I’ll take little Shion out of school.” She nodded seriously. “Where have you been, by the way? I went to your mother’s house, she said you ran off. Where have you been staying?”  
> Shion sighed with exhaustion. “Outside. I’ve barely slept.”  
> “Why didn’t you come to my place?” Inukashi asked, horrified. “You’re welcome to stay on the couch or something.”  
> “I don’t know who to trust. I’ve just been running. Everyone thinks I’m crazy.” His shoulders rounded with sadness. “Nobody believes me. That’s how I know my mother’s a clone. My real mom would believe me. She would know they’re out to get me.”  
> “Who?”  
> “The government.”  
> “You are the government,” Inukashi reminded. “What, aren’t you the prime minister?”  
> “No, I’m head of the Restructural Committee, and I’m a senator. Was. I got fired.”  
> “You were fired?” Inukashi looked shocked. “For what?”  
> “Going through secret information. That’s how I know they’re out to get me.”  
> “But… back up, why you?” Inukashi frowned. “It doesn’t make sense.”  
> Shion groaned with frustration. “Don’t you get it? The secret underground government wants to kill me! They’re out to get me! I don’t know why, but I do know that they’re slowly replacing people I care about with clones. Who knows, maybe everyone’s a clone! I can’t tell yet, but I’m working on it.”  
> Inukashi’s eyes widened. “Oh-okay. That’s a lot to take in.”  
> “It’s true! Just listen! The ground is hollow.”  
> Babylon… resurgence… military…  
> “Can’t you hear it?” Shion asked desperately. “Or are you a clone too?”  
> “I can’t hear it, Shion.” Inukashi looked sad. “I can’t hear anything. I… I think you should go home to your mother. She’s worried about you.”  
> “I can’t!” Shion wanted to cry. “I can’t! She’s a fake!” Why didn’t anyone believe him? It was so frustrating. Maybe Inukashi was a clone, too. Maybe he was right that everyone was a clone. Who knew? Nothing was making sense anymore. Nothing made any sense at all.


	9. Goodnight room, goodnight moon

Shion got out of the hospital on a dim, cloudy day. Karan and Nezumi went to go pick him up, both hoping for the best. Maybe he’d managed to overcome a few more delusions during his stay. He hadn’t spoken to either of them since his second day, so who knew?

“Hello, sweetheart,” Karan said, looking at Shion with tears in her eyes. “How are you feeling?”

He shuffled out of the hospital in the same clothes he’d entered in. His eyes were dull as he looked back and forth between Karan and Nezumi. He didn’t say a word as he called a car to take him home.

“Hey. Feeling better?” Nezumi tried to get him to speak.

“I just won’t say anything,” Shion said. “So you can’t torment me.”

“Uh oh.” Nezumi looked at Karan, concerned. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Shion shook his head as the self-driving car arrived.

“Can I come with you?” Nezumi asked, shouldering up his backpack.

“You’re gonna do what you want,” Shion replied with a shrug.

“Okay.” Nezumi climbed into the passenger’s side and set his backpack below his feet. “So, what’s up?”

Karan watched them sadly as they drove away.

“You know what’s up.”

“I really don’t. I’m a little concerned you’ve regressed by the way you’re talking.” He tried to smile. “But I’m glad you’re out.”

“Am I?” Shion sighed. “Maybe.”

Nezumi stared at him in silence for a bit, trying to work it out. “So, what’s the delusion this time? Am I a hallucination? Clone? Something new?”

Shion scowled at him. “You know what you are.”

“I really don’t. I’m very confused.” He sighed. “Could you just tell me?”

“I can’t believe there’s really a punishment for suicide.”

“There isn’t. What do you mean?”

“Well, clearly there is since I’m in Hell!” Shion glowered at him.

Nezumi shook his head. “God fucking damnit, Shion… Why do you think that?”

“I killed myself. That’s against the rules, isn’t it? So I went to Hell.” He folded his arms, glaring out the window. “Explains all the demons, right?”

“You’re hallucinating the demons.” Nezumi rubbed his forehead tiredly. “We need to send you to No. 4.”

“Do what you want.” Shion scratched the IV site on his arm. “Don’t expect me to behave like any of this is real.”

“I don’t expect anything from you,” Nezumi said, annoyed. “This is getting old.”

“Nice one, try to convince me I’m not dead. It won’t work.”

“I won’t try to convince you. But I’m not going to feed your delusions either. I’m real, you’re not dead, and I’m not going to act as if anything is otherwise.”

“You’re gonna do what you want.” Shion shrugged. “I can’t stop you.”

Nezumi counted slowly to ten, trying not to let his anger get the best of him. “You’re really annoying me.”

Shion didn’t answer.

“So, the new meds haven’t helped?” Nezumi tried to bite back the frustration in his tone. Why was Shion doing this? It was starting to really piss him off.

“I realized my mother wasn’t a clone.” Shion continued to stare at the road. “But it doesn’t matter anymore since I’m dead.”

“I fucking hate you.” Nezumi snapped, glaring out the window. “Why can’t you just… Foster was right.”

Shion rolled his eyes. “You even talk like the rest of them now. More proof you aren’t real.” He made a face.  _ “I fucking hate you. Kill yourself. Blasphemy. _ Just like the rest of them.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped but...” Nezumi crossed his arms, mirroring Shion. “I think I romanticized you. Made you out to be something you weren’t. Aren’t. This isn’t a romantic illness, though, is it? It’s ugly and annoying and it gets old quickly.”

_ “25. Death. Burning. Kill yourself.”  _ Shion mocked. “I really am in Hell.”

“Nope. But maybe I am. I think you should go to No. 4. I need to stay here and become a citizen of No. 6.” He ran his hands down his face. “I think I’ll just eat the losses from the heroin and give it all back to Foster and his friends.”

“Are we allowed to have sex now that I’m in Hell? Or is that part of the punishment too?”

“You know what? I don’t care. Foster was right, it doesn’t matter.” Nezumi leaned back in his seat. “I’ve been too uptight.”

“So, retards  _ can  _ have sex?” Shion asked.

“Yeah. Sure. Why not?” Nezumi looked at Shion tiredly. “If you’ll shut up and let me pretend your brain isn’t broken, we can have sex.”

“Broken…” Shion nodded. “Dead. My brain is dead. I killed it with drugs and alcohol.”

“It’s really not sexy when you talk that way,” Nezumi told him. “Kills it for me.”

“What way?”

“That crazy way. Just pretend you’re not in Hell, how about that?” Nezumi felt like punching something. Or someone. “Just act like you’re normal for a minute so I can get it up to fuck you.”

“Hmm…” Shion mused. “Pretend… bend mend send tend-”

“Shut up!” Nezumi slammed his fist into the side of the car. “Dead people don’t talk, right? So shut up and I won’t hate you as much.”

“You’re mean today,” Shion pointed out. “Are you on drugs?”

“No, I’m not. That’s the fucking problem.” He was coming down of his previous hit, and his skin was crawling. “I need to get back to your place so I can fix.”

“I’ve never seen anyone do heroin before.”

“What a privileged life you lead,” Nezumi spat, tapping his foot rapidly. “You’ll soon get to see.”

“The gates of Hell,” Shion said sagely. “Like pulling out a sword from the sheath to chop off a monk’s head.”

“Crazy,” Nezumi shot back. “Crazy fucking psycho. What did I say about silence?”

“It’s a Zen fable,” Shion informed him, unperturbed.

“And?” Nezumi shot him an annoyed look.

“You’re in a bad mood.” Shion pouted. “I’ll just shut up.”

“Thank you.”

The drove the rest of the way in silence. When they arrived at Shion’s house, Nezumi was ready to tear his skin off. “Come on, let’s go.” He swung his backpack over his shoulder and jogged up to the front door. “You’re the one with the key, hurry up.”

Shion shuffled over slowly. “Okay.” He handed Nezumi the key.

Hands jittery, Nezumi struggled to open the front door. “Damn it, it would be easier to kick it down.” When he finally got it, he dashed inside and sat down on the couch, digging through his backpack frantically.

Shion sat down next to him. “Are you a demon, or am I a ghost?”

“Both.” Nezumi finally found his stash. “Now shut up for a minute, okay?” He measured out his dose in a spoon and mixed it with water. He lit his lighter beneath it and waited, legs tapping rapidly. Once everything was cooked, he dropped a cotton ball into the solution and pressed the needle down into it to draw up the liquid.

“Harrowing.” Shion watched, fascinated. “Heroin.”

Nezumi tied off with a shoelace and squeezed his fist until his tired veins appeared. Swallowing in anticipation, he pressed the needle into his skin and untied the tourniquet. He pressed the plunger and let the solution flow into his bloodstream.

It smacked him across the back of the head, sending his chin to his chest. His skin stopped crawling, and everything seemed alright for a moment.

The high ended as quickly as it began, not two minutes later it was over. Back to normal, Nezumi packed everything back into his backpack and leaned in to kiss Shion briefly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. This is Hell, you’re supposed to be mean.” Shion smiled, his eyes just slightly too wide in a way that made him look manic. “Can we have sex now?”

“Give me a minute.” He leaned back into the couch, feeling the normalcy return nicely. That was the thing with heroin. The high was short. Once you had a steady habit going, it was impossible to keep that glowing feeling for more than a couple minutes at a time. Oh well. He wasn’t even in it for the high anymore. He was in it to keep the sickness at bay. “I wanna be sixteen again.” Nezumi stared at the ceiling. “I think I died emotionally at sixteen. That’s where I ended.”

“I died a few days ago.” Shion hummed thoughtfully. “Did you really die at sixteen? Back when I knew you?”

“Emotionally, I said.” Nezumi cast him a withering look. “Retard.”

“Yes.” Shion frowned, nodding. “I suppose I am. You’re a junkie, though.”

“That I am.” Nezumi rubbed his sore arm. “We’re both fucked up.”

“Are you really going to be a citizen?” Shion asked, smiling.

“Yeah, I think I have to. I think I should be responsible.”

“Move in with me.” Shion took his hand. “Let’s be for real.”

Nezumi took a deep breath. “I dunno about that.”

“Come on, they’re just gonna send you to the projects anyway.”

“I think you should go to No. 4.” Nezumi looked at him seriously. “To recover.”

“You too. Let’s go to Green Haven together.”

Nezumi raised an eyebrow. “You know about Green Haven?”

“Duh. People keep trying to send me there. You should come with me. Go to rehab.”

“They have a rehab program?” Nezumi asked curiously as Shion typed something in on his wristband.

“Mhm. See?” He pulled up the website. “We should both apply. I’ll do it if you will.”

Nezumi considered that. “Interesting. I have no money, though. Maybe if I…” Ah, so that was it. He could sell off the rest of the heroin to pay for rehab. Get back on his feet, move to No. 6, and start his life again. “I’ll need to run off into the forest for a few weeks,” he mused, still reading the page projected above Shion’s wrist.

“Can I come with you?”

Huh. Nezumi hadn’t considered that. “I don’t know about that. They’re strange people.”

“I’m strange people too.”

“That you are. But I don’t know that it would be the best place for you.” Nezumi had to smile as Shion pouted.

“I think I should come with you.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be in Hell? Why would you want to come with me?” Nezumi teased.

“I don’t want to be  _ alone  _ in Hell,” Shion explained like Nezumi was being very stupid. “That would be terrifying. Don’t leave me alone in this.”

Nezumi thought about it. “How about this, you can come, but you have to pretend you’re not in Hell.”

Shion nodded slowly like he was considering. “Okay.”

“And you have to tell your mother we’re going on a trip. Don’t tell her where, but you do have to tell her something.”

“Okay.” Shion nodded again. “I can do that.”

“Alright.” Nezumi stood. “Pack.”

“Pack?” Shion stood too.

“Pack a backpack. We’re going on an adventure.”

 

******

 

They walked away from Karan’s house, backpacks slung over their shoulders. Shion’s eyes were wide as he stared at everything around him like it was brand new.

“We’re still in the city, dumbass,” Nezumi quipped, hiking up his backpack. “It’s not amazing yet.”

“We’re in the hellscape version of the city,” Shion explained. “Fascinating.”

Nezumi rolled his eyes and privately smiled. “Whatever.”

They made it out of the city within the next 20 minutes and found themselves on a woodland path. It twisted and turned through the trees, Nezumi’s favorite view in the world.

“Much better out here than in the city, right?” Nezumi breathed deeply. “Almost makes you forget about all your problems.”

“It would be prettier if it wasn’t on fire.” Shion hummed. “But it’s nice, I guess.”

“You’re so goddamn stupid.” Nezumi mumbled, trying to be annoyed. It was difficult in such lovely weather.

They walked in amicable silence for about thirty minutes before Shion said anything. “When are we going to get there?”

Nezumi stopped walking abruptly. “Not for days. We’re camping.”

“Oh.” Shion nodded. “Wow.”

“What did you think we were doing?” Nezumi asked, smirking.

Shion shrugged. “I dunno. I forgot why we were even out here.” He looked around himself. “Why don’t the trees burn down?”

Nezumi stared at him for a long moment, trying to figure out what to do with that. “Do you remember what I said earlier? How you have to pretend like you’re not in Hell?”

Shion nodded dutifully. “Yes. But how do you explain the fire? It’s amazing, isn’t it? How the trees don’t burn down.”

“There is no fire.”

That seemed to hit Shion in slow motion. “Uh… oh. Okay. Umm… Yeah. No fire. Gotcha.” He winked.

Nezumi counted slowly to three, breathing deeply. “Alright. No fire. You got this.”

“But in reality, how does it do that?” Shion whispered. “How do the trees stay up?”

Nezumi closed his eyes. “Magic.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Great, let’s keep hiking.” Nezumi trudged ahead, putting a little distance between himself and Shion.

Shion closed the gap quickly. “I’m excited to go camping, even if it is in Hell. I’ve never been camping before.” He stuck out his bottom lip, thinking. “Well, I’ve been homeless before…”

“You were homeless?” Nezumi asked, genuinely surprised.

“Yeah. I ran away from my mom when I thought she was a clone. I was on the streets for about a week before the government picked me up and stuck me inside.”

“Good government,” Nezumi raised an eyebrow. “Only a week.”

“But that was back when I was schizophrenic. Before I was dead. I didn’t know any better. I used to believe some crazy things.”

“What, a week ago?” Nezumi almost laughed.

“Yeah. But now I’m dead, so I’m cured.” He grinned proudly. “I think it’s better to be dead than schizophrenic. Even if I am in Hell.”

“Oof.” Nezumi cringed. “Aren’t you a bummer today?”

“So, how is it?” Shion asked. “Are you a demon, or a ghost, or are you just in Hell with me?”

“I’m in Hell with you.” Nezumi gave up trying to fight him and just picked the answer that seemed nicest. “I’m dead like you.”

“Did you overdose too?” Shion squinted. “I remember you doing heroin.”

“Sure, I bet that’s what happened.” Nezumi bit back a sigh and continued trudging along. “I overdosed on heroin.”

“So, why are we pretending we’re not in Hell?” Shion asked, jogging a bit to keep up with Nezumi.

“So that my friends don’t get freaked out. We’re here to sell them on H, not religion.”

“H is for Hell and heroin,” Shion commented softly, eyes wide. “And homelessness. And hospital. And horror.”

“And hope and happiness and health,” Nezumi reminded him.

That seemed to calm Shion down a bit. “Yeah. Yeah. So it’s not a cursed letter?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

They continued walking until the moon rose and they found a nice clearing. Nezumi kicked some sticks and rocks out of the way to make room for his tent. “This is a one-person tent, so it’ll be a bit cramped.” He rolled it out along the ground and set to constructing it.

“I’ve never slept in a tent before,” Shion marvelled as it took shape. “It’s nicer than sleeping on car-stop benches, I bet.”

“Is that what you did when you were homeless?” Nezumi asked, unpacking his sleeping bag.

“Yeah. But the police didn’t like it. So I didn’t get much sleep.” Shion unpacked a blanket from his backpack. “I really scared my mom, I think.”

“Yeah.” Nezumi laid out their sleeping arrangement in the tent. “I bet you did. I’d be scared now, too, if I were her.”

“Why?” Shion questioned, peering into the tent. “She’s probably just grieving ‘cause I’m dead.”

“You ran away into the woods with a homeless junkie to go sell heroin.” Nezumi grinned. “On paper, that’s not a great life choice.”

“But it’s just pretend.” Shion shrugged. “This is Hell.”

“Right…” Nezumi frowned. “But it’s not pretend, you know that, right? Heroin exists in Hell. And we’re going to go sell it.”

Shion nodded, eyes looking glazed. “Uh huh. Okay.”

“Did you hear me?” Nezumi asked, doubtful.

“Um…”

“It’s not pretend. Heroin exists in Hell.”

“Oh. Really?” Shion nodded, amazed. “Pleasure exists in Hell?”

Nezumi thought about that. “Brief pleasure. Brief heaven, followed by unbearable hell. I think in order to fully appreciate the pain, there needs to be pleasure. No Hell without Heaven, right? No Heaven without Hell.”

Shion was staring at him in awe. “I wanna try.”

“No.” Nezumi said firmly. “Not a chance.”

“Why not?” Shion frowned. “I’m already dead. I’m already in Hell.”

“It’s just a delusion, Shion!” Nezumi shook his head. “You’re not really dead. You’re not trying heroin.”

“Come on. Just once.”

“No! It will never be just once. I said just once. Now look at me.” He gestured at himself. He was losing weight again rapidly. “Not happening.”

“But I’ve never done drugs before. Well, not recreational drugs. If I have to be in Hell, I at least want some escape from it.”

Nezumi shook his head. “Heroin isn’t the answer.”

“Then what is?” Shion cried desperately. “How do I get out of here?”

Nezumi considered for a moment. “I have an idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shion was having trouble walking a straight line. Whether it was the new medications or the way his brain was causing the floor to sway, he wasn’t sure. Either way, he stumbled down the sidewalk in the park, trying to get back home.  
> “Hey, sweetheart,” a voice called out. “You smoke?”  
> Shion blinked blearily, searching for the sound of the voice. “Me?” he asked, spotting a group of young girls in a circle by the river. His heart thumped in his chest. It had been a while since anyone had spoken to him.  
> “Yeah, you. Wanna join us?” She waved a pipe in the air.  
> Shion stared dully at them, trying to come up with words. “I… um…”  
> One of the other girls slapped the one who had spoken. “Bitch, do you know who that is?”  
> “Huh?” The girl with the pipe glanced between her friend and Shion. “No?”  
> “He’s a freaking senator.”  
> “Oh shit!” The girl hid the pipe. “Um… I just meant… Shit, I’m sorry. Please don’t tell on us.” She giggled nervously. “I don’t know politics.”  
> Shion shook his head. “I’m not a senator anymore. I won’t get you in trouble.”  
> “Thank you,” the second girl spoke. “Sorry about my stupid friend.”  
> “Hey,” the girl with the pipe protested. “I didn’t know. He looked like he was-” she shut her mouth, eyes wide. “Whoops. Sorry, I’m high.”  
> “Shut up!” The second girl said. “He’s being nice, not getting us in trouble. Don’t push it.”  
> Pressure was building around Shion’s ears. He wasn’t sure how to handle himself. “They didn’t ask me,” he said softly to himself.  
> “What’s that?” One of the girls asked.  
> “Nobody means it.” Shion pressed his hands into the sides of his head.  
> “Umm…” The girl with the pipe looked at him strangely. “You okay, man?”  
> “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay,” Shion repeated over and over.  
> “Oh, shit.” One of the girls looked fearful. “Um… It’s all good, dude. You’re fine.”  
> “Yeah.” Shion turned to walk away, frustrated by how he was acting. He couldn’t control it. It was just that it had been so long since anyone had been nice to him, he wasn’t sure what to do about it.  
> “Hey,” the girl with the pipe set it down and jogged to meet him. “No worries, alright?” She patted him on the back.  
> “Yeah.” Shion nodded, grateful. “No worries.”


	10. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon

They built a fire out of scavenged wood. It burned warm and bright in the quickly fading light of day. Shion sat curled up against Nezumi’s side, staring at the flames with a funny expression on his face.

“Irony.”

“What’s that?” Nezumi asked, frowning.

“We built a fire in Hell.” Shion laughed. “Pointless.”

“Mm,” Nezumi hummed noncommittally as he fished some dried meat from his backpack. “Eat.”

“What’s the point?” Shion rejected the food. “We’re already dead.”

“Don’t you feel hungry?” Nezumi asked. “We’ve been hiking all day.”

“No.” Shion shrugged. “I just feel pain.”

“Pain?”

“Hell pain. Burning.” He looked down at his arms. “But I can’t die because I’m already dead, so it just keeps going.”

“You haven’t complained this whole time,” Nezumi said, amazed. “You really feel like you’re on fire?”

“Don’t you?” Shion asked, rubbing his arms gingerly.

No.”

“Well, what did I do wrong?” Shion looked up, tears in his eyes. “If my punishment is worse than yours, what did I do?”

“You’re not really in Hell, Shion,” Nezumi reminded gently, pity contracting his chest. “It’s all in your head.”

“You just don’t get it,” Shion said. “You’re in denial.” He looked down at himself and winced. “You’ll see.”

“Alright.” Nezumi gave up and began fishing around in his backpack. “I have an idea that might either help or make things worse. We’re gonna go for it and see what happens.”

“Anything is better than this,” Shion said, pressing his palms to his cheeks. “This is awful.”

“Okay, here we go.” Nezumi pulled a pipe and a bag of weed out of his backpack. “You wanted escape? Here is is.”

“That’s marijuana.” Shion peered at the bag. “I know that.”

“How very streetwise of you.” Nezumi rolled his eyes. “You’re not trying heroin, but I’ll let you try this.”

“Okay.” Shion crossed his legs, smiling. “What are the rules?”

“Rules?” Nezumi asked, confused. “What do you mean?”

“How do I do it?”

“Well, there’s not really rules so much as… not everything has to be rules.” He shook himself. “Anyway, I’ll pack the bowl- that’s what it’s called, filling up this little divot here.” He pinched apart a few buds and sprinkled it into the bowl. “Then you put your thumb over the carb- that’s this little hole in the side. See?” He showed Shion, who nodded dutifully. “Alright. Then you’re gonna light it with this lighter, inhale, then release the carb.” He demonstrated. “Hold it in your lungs for a few seconds-” he exhaled. “Then that’s it.”

“So there’s lots of rules.” Shion frowned.

“Not rules, though, just instructions. Your vocabulary is strange.” Nezumi passed him the pipe. “Go for it.”

Shion looked at the thing with wide eyes, not scared so much as reverent. “This will take me out of Hell?”

“Hopefully.” Nezumi shrugged. “I guess we’ll see.”

Carefully, Shion copied what he’d seen Nezumi do. He couched violently, unable to hold the smoke in his lungs. “My god!” he exclaimed hoarsely.

Nezumi laughed. “It’s a harsh pull for sure. This is a good pipe. Try again.”

Shion did, and managed to hold the smoke in his lungs for a bit longer before succumbing to another coughing fit. “Urgh, I feel sick,” he said between coughs.

“Your pretty pink lungs aren’t used to it yet.” Nezumi took the pipe from him and took a couple more hits. “You’ll get there.”

“I don’t feel anything,” Shion complained.

“Give it a damn second.” Nezumi passed the pipe back to him. “You will.”

Shion took another hit, managing not to cough this time. He held the smoke in his lungs for a long time.

“There you go!” Nezumi praised. “That’s called ‘Zeroing out’ when you hold it in until all the THC is absorbed.”

Shion grinned. “I zeroed it out.”

“Good boy.” Nezumi took the pipe back and hit a few more times until the bowl was cashed. “You should be good, this stuff is strong.”

“I don’t feel it, though.” Shion looked at his hands.

“Well, you’re not gonna start tripping, so you can put your hands down,” Nezumi laughed. “It takes a minute, let it sit.”

They sat in silence for a long moment until Shion said, “Ooh.”

“Mhm.” Nezumi nodded, feeling it too. “Good, right?”

“My thoughts…” Shion was staring wildly into the air.

“Mhm.” Nezumi agreed. “I feel ya. Real head high, this stuff.”

Shion stuck his fingers in his mouth. “Huh. I’m high.”

Love burst through Nezumi’s chest. “Y-yeah.” He smiled brightly. “You are. For the first time, right?”

“Yeah.” Shion nodded, and continued nodding. “Everything is moving.”

“Is it?” Nezumi looked around. “I don’t see it.”

Shion pointed at the ground. “Yeah. See? Looks like water.”

“I think you’re just being schizo.” Nezumi scooted towards him, putting a hand around his lower back. “Sit with me.”

They curled up together, staring into the fire which flickered and melted like soup. Nezumi zoned out, letting his thoughts float away until they were non-existent.

The night was lovely. The light buzz hit the back of his brain in just the right place, making the itching and craving for heroin subside somewhat.

“I think you’d make a good stoner, Shion.” Nezumi smiled. “I bet I can turn you.”

Shion was staring dully at the fire, nearly drooling. “Hm?”

“Nothing. Everything’s good. Just enjoy.”

Shion’s face lit up. “Everything is good. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Nezumi admitted.

 

Shion gazed at him, dazzled. “That’s the first time you’ve said that.”

“I like you stoned.” Nezumi grinned as Shion curled up tightly against him. “It suits you.”

“This is an escape from Hell,” Shion mused. “How long does it last?”

“About an hour.”

“Oh.” Shion looked disappointed.

“Hey, you can always smoke more.” Nezumi reloaded the pipe. “Speaking of…”

“I can smoke more?” Shion sounded stunned. “I never thought of that.”

“Did you think this was only once?” Nezumi laughed.

“Yeah!” Shion watched in amazement as Nezumi packed the bowl. “I didn’t consider this could happen again.”

“I fully expect it to happen many times. I’ll keep you stoned constantly if it helps you.” Nezumi had to smile at Shion’s face. He looked like a puppy who’d been offered a treat.

“I’m very happy right now.”

“I know. Me too.”

“This is a great night.” Shion looked at the fire. “Hell can become Heaven.” He gasped in amazement as Nezumi handed him the pipe. “I forgot we were doing this!”

“It’s what we’ve been talking about.”

“Oh yeah!” Shion burst out laughing. “I forgot!”

“Go ahead.” Nezumi passed him the lighter. “You get green. There’s another piece of lingo for you. Green means you’re the first one to hit the bowl. Oh, and it’s polite to only light the edge of the bowl at first.”

“I want to learn everything.” Shion carefully lit the edge of the bowl.

“I’ll teach you everything.” Nezumi leaned in to kiss him on the cheek as he exhaled. “Hit it twice. It’s puff, puff, pass.”

“Okay.” Shion hit again and handed the pipe to Nezumi with the smoke still in his lungs.

“Like a pro, you are.” Nezumi watched him proudly as Shion blew smoke at the fire. He hit it himself a couple times and passed it back. “Getting high in the forest… I did this for the first time when I was ten.”

“Ten?” Shion asked incredulously. “Really?”

“With my grandmother. It’s not so stigmatized in Mao culture, it’s considered a religious thing. I’m not so religious anymore, but the feeling is still comforting.” He was talking a lot more than usual, he could tell. “We sat under the stars and she taught me how to smoke out of this long wooden pipe. I got so high I couldn’t stand up and I started crying. She held me through it and I learned a lot that night. About myself. How to handle the thoughts in my head. The bad trips, those are the ones that really teach you good lessons. I always respect bad trips.”

“Bad trips…” Shion whispered. “My life is a bad trip.”

Nezumi’s heart contracted. “It is, isn’t it? I’m sorry.”

“But I should respect it? All the horror?”

“I think it’s best to think of it as separate from yourself. Not let it consume you.” Nezumi rubbed Shion’s back as he took another hit.

“I never know what’s real,” Shion said around a mouthful of smoke. “Maybe I’m not in Hell.”

“That’s right. You’re not.” Nezumi was amazed. “You can admit that?”

“I don’t know what to believe.”

Nezumi looked at him seriously. “Hey, give me your eyes.”

Shion looked up.

“I will never lie to you. About anything.” He ran his hand through Shion’s hair. “Okay?”

Shion nodded. “Okay.”

“Do you believe me?” Nezumi asked.

Shion shrugged. “What’s your name?”

Ah. That old thing. “I don’t want to say it.”

“Why not?” Shion looked sad. “I really want to know.”

Nezumi hesitated, wondering how to explain. It was irrational, he knew, to want to keep his real name to himself, but he couldn’t make himself say it. “I want to let Mao culture die.”

“Really?” Shion blinked. “Why?”

“Because…” He shrugged. “Being the last of my people, that’s a huge weight I carry. Do you understand? It’s not something I cherish. It’s not something I would wish on anyone else. When I die I want that to be the end of it. I want the Forest People to disappear without a trace. No ripples in the water. Just gone. So I don’t want to share my name, because then when you look at me you’ll hear it in your mind. You’ll hear something my parents decided, something my grandmother spoke, and that culture will live again if only briefly. I don’t want to carry that last piece of culture as the label to my identity. Does that make sense?”

Shion shrugged. “I think so. Nothing makes much sense right now.”

Nezumi smiled at him fondly. “I think transition would be good for you.”

“What does that mean?”

“Change. Change is important. We should stand up and do something different.” Nezumi stood and held out his hand to help Shion up.

“Whoa.” Shion wobbled a bit. “Things are weird.”

“Transitions are weird, but good.” Nezumi held his hands.

Suddenly, there were tears in Shion’s eyes. “I want this to last forever! This makes Hell into Heaven.” His scrunched up face hit Nezumi’s heart.

“I can give you that. I can make that happen for you.” He wanted to. He wanted to do whatever it took to make Shion happy.

Tears, whether happy or sad Nezumi couldn’t tell, began to stream down Shion’s face. “You’re my favorite person.” He leaned in and kissed Nezumi quickly on the lips. “I like you a lot.” He sniffed. “I’m so emotional right now.”

“That’s okay. It happens.”

“My mouth tastes like ash.”

“Yeah, it’ll do that.” Nezumi smiled at him. This was a good night. He wasn’t craving heroin, he was seeing Shion get stoned for the first time, and he was camping. All the best things in life.

“Is there sex in Heaven?” he asked, face stern and serious.

“You have to pretend like you’re on Earth for it to work,” Nezumi tried. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Shion shut his eyes and pretended as hard as he could. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Nezumi shook his head and made his way towards the tent. “I love you, but you’re crazy.”

Shion grinned, following him into the tent. “I love you but you’re crazy too.”

The moon was out, and the way the trees passed over it made it look almost like it was in motion. The whole world was in motion as they lay together in the tent, happy in the night and with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing was making sense. Karan was speaking to him as he sat at the dinner table, but none of the words coming out of her mouth meant anything to Shion. He didn’t even understand enough to be panicked about it. Everything had always been so psychedelic, hadn’t it? He couldn’t remember another moment unlike the one he was experiencing. He couldn’t remember a single other moment. Time no longer existed.  
> Everything was just shapes. He stared down at the straw sticking out of his drink, and all he could think was tube. What it was for or what it meant, Shion had no clue.  
> “Honey, are you okay?” his mother asked.  
> Shion couldn’t answer. He was too overwhelmed by the absurdity of everything.  
> “Shion?”  
> He gasped, realizing for the first time that he needed to breathe. The second he did, things fell back into place. “I’m okay.” He blinked, disoriented.  
> “What was all that about?” she asked, looking worried.  
> Shion shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s been happening recently.” He couldn’t explain it. Whenever Karan asked about it, he simply couldn’t explain it. It was indescribable.  
> “Just spacing out?” She smiled, cutting a bite of her food.  
> “Y-yeah. I guess.” Maybe that’s what it was. He had no reference point to explain it by, so maybe that’s what it was. He dug into his dinner, feeling a little better. He’d always been spacey. Maybe he was just being even more spacey than usual. He was sure it was nothing, it would all be okay.


	11. Goodnight light and the red balloon

They arrived at the drug den nearly a week later, exhausted and happy. Nezumi had been keeping Shion stoned the entire time, finding it made him much more tolerable. It did nothing to lessen the hallucinations, and perhaps even exacerbated them, but at least now Shion wasn’t so anxious and jumpy about it. He almost seemed to enjoy them.

“Curating is a thing,” Shion announced suddenly as they made their final walk towards the place, which stood on the horizon, an unassuming little shack.

“Curating is a thing?” Nezumi asked, smiling. Due to the perpetual high, Shion was much more interesting. He’d often spout out bits of odd wisdom, which Nezumi was taking to heart with great amusement.

“Yeah. We gather around us all these objects- like bowerbirds. Building up a collection of things we think are nice or have good energy. Curating a little museum of ourselves.” He opened his hand to display a collection of rocks, leaves, and other small forest items. He must have picked them up at some point. “I found a leaf for you.” He handed Nezumi a small, green leaf. “It’s very important.”

“Okay.” Nezumi grinned, taking the leaf and putting it carefully in his pocket. “Thank you.”

“Is that the house?” Shion asked, blinking at it. “Where your friends live?”

“Yep.” Nezumi put a hand on Shion’s shoulder as they approached the door. “Ready to pretend you’re not in Hell?”

“I’m in Heaven,” Shion corrected. “But I’ll pretend like it’s Earth.”

“Alright, good.” Nezumi knocked on the door.

A few moments later, a raggedy young girl answered. “Oh shit!” She grinned. “You’re back!” She pulled Nezumi into a hug. “Good to see you!”

Nezumi hugged her back. “Good to see you too, Echo. This is Shion.”

“Shi-ahhn…” She dragged out the name. “You’re  _ weird  _ looking.”

“He’s weird acting too,” Nezumi said proudly. “He’s schizophrenic.

“Oh, so’s my brother.” Echo nodded happily. “Well, come on in!”

They stepped over the threshold to a ramshackle room with mattresses on the floor where couches should be. An old TV flickered in the corner, providing the only light in the room other than the grimy windows. People lay here and there, nodding out onto their chests.

“So, what brings you two back here?” Echo asked, plopping down on one of the mattresses and gesturing for Nezumi and Shion to do the same.

“I’m selling,” Nezumi said, fishing around in his backpack for the heroin. “Trying to get to Green Haven rehab.”

Several heads turned towards the heroin.

“And what’s he here for?” Echo nodded at Shion, who was staring in amazement at everything.

“He’s my emotional support human,” Nezumi patted Shion on the shoulder, bringing his focus back.

“And I do drugs now,” Shion announced proudly. “To stay out of Hell.”

“Y-yeah.” Nezumi shook his head. “He means he smokes weed for anxiety.”

“I’ll trade you weed for heroin,” Echo said, looking at the bag longingly. She didn’t seem to notice Shion’s slip up.

“I’m looking for cash, but thanks. I already have a half ounce to get through.” It was taking up way too much room in his backpack already.

“I got cash.” A young man stepped forward. “I’m looking to buy.”

A chorus of “Me toos” came from around the room.

Nezumi grinned. “You got a scale I can borrow, Echo?”

“For sure.” She marched off to get it.

“Nezumi,” Shion tapped him on the shoulder. “Lights are so important.”

“Mhm, they sure are,” Nezumi said distractedly. “Hold on, I gotta do business.”

“But look at that.” He pointed to where a girl was hanging string lights. “It’s perfect.”

It was sort of pretty. “Yeah. Why don’t you go see if you can help her?”

Shion gasped. “Good idea!” He looked at Nezumi with absolute adoration in his eyes. “I love you.” He shuffled over to where the girl was working, leaving Nezumi alone.

He sold off the four grams quickly, and counted his money. “This should be enough, don’t you think, Shion?” He looked around. “Shion?” Shit. He sighed, wandering around the house. “Hey Echo.” He flagged her down. “Have you seen Shion?”

She blinked hazily. “Uh…”

“Alright, nevermind.” He shoved his way past bodies into the bathroom. “Hey, anyone see a skinny albino with a scar on his face and neck?”

People stared at him dully, not comprehending.

“That’s a very specific description,” Nezumi huffed. “No one else that could be.”

“Ain’t seen no one,” a young man on the bathroom floor spoke up.

“Waaaait…” a girl said slowly. “The ghost?”

“Yes, probably. He’s been called that. Did you see him?”

“I thought I hallucinated him. He went out back with Carlo.” She pointed weakly.

“Carlo’s still alive?” Nezumi marvelled. “Damn. Thanks.” He rushed out back, concerned.

Shion was sitting in a circle of people who were playing music as they passed around a joint and a water bottle. Stone soup, they used to call it. Everyone contributed something to the circle and they all got high off their asses on everything at once.

“Shit.” Nezumi ran over. “Shion, don’t drink that.”

Shion gazed up at him, eyes half lidded. “Hmm? Oh, I already did.”

Nezumi swore. “Well, you’re about to have a time. What’s in it, Carlo?” He scowled at an emaciated young man, probably no older than twenty five, though it was hard to tell.

“Emmie Dee, Emmie Ayy,” Carlo slurred. “Molly golly.”

“Oh, okay.” Better than LSD or something complicated he’d have to really trip sit. Nezumi took Shion’s hand and pulled him away from the circle. “I need you to listen carefully to me.”

Shion nodded, looking numb to the world.

“Shion, focus.”

He blinked rapidly and met Nezumi’s eyes.

“Alright, you’re about to have a real experience. I want you to know I love you and I’m going to take care of you. No problems, good vibes. Okay?”

“Okay.” Shion beamed. “That’s good.”

“Yep. Super good. Everything is good.” That was a point he really wanted to drive home. Despite what people liked to say, it was absolutely possible to have a bad roll. He’d experienced it before and it had made him wish he was dead. Best to keep happy vibes in Shion’s head. “You’re gonna have an amazing time, and I’ll be here through all of it. Now let’s get the fuck out of here before it kicks in.”

“But I like these people,” Shion complained.

“We gotta get back home, and if we wanna make distance by nightfall we need to get moving.” He looked around. “Plus, I don’t wanna tripsit you around everyone. Things might get crazy with your brain.”

“Mkay.” Shion took his hand and allowed himself to be led out of the backyard, through the house, and into the woods. “Where are we going?”

“Home.” Nezumi adjusted Shion’s backpack so it sat a little higher on his shoulders. “To rehab.”

They didn’t get very far into the forest before Shion wrapped his arms suddenly around Nezumi, breathing heavily. “What…?”

“It’s the drugs. You’re okay.” Nezumi pried him away and dropped his backpack. “Let’s sit for a minute. Let you get used to it.”

“Drugs? The marijuana?” Shion shakily dropped his backpack and sat.

“No, the molly. Remember, you drank from that water bottle?”

Shion squinted, jaw slack. “Uhh…”

“It’s okay.” Nezumi sat next to him and rubbed his back. “It’ll be over soon.”

“What?” Shion blinked slowly at him. “Huh?”

“You’re okay. You’re all good. Everything is fine.” Nezumi kissed Shion gently.

Shion was panting. “I feel like…” He shook his head from side to side. “Orgasm.”

“Mhm. Good, isn’t it?” Nezumi smiled, trying his best to radiate positive energy. “I bet you feel good.”

Shion nodded. “I… uh… I…”

“I love you.”

“I love you!” Shion exclaimed. “That’s it!” His eyes rolled backwards, and he fell over onto his backpack.

“Um…” Nezumi looked down at him, worried. “Shion?”

“I’m good.” He sighed. “I’m so good.”

“Okay. Just tell me if you feel…” He didn’t want to suggest emotions and be the cause of Shion feeling bad. “You’re gonna be fine.”

Shion’s breathing was labored. “This is so… surreal.”

Nezumi swallowed repeatedly. Watching this was making him really crave escape too. “I might shoot up.”

“Join me.” Shion reached out for the sky.  _ “This  _ is Heaven. I want this forever.”

Talk like that made Nezumi nervous. “This is one of those drugs you can’t just constantly do, alright? It’s a rarity.”

“Shows what you know, I’ll find a way. I’ll seek this out no matter what.” He ran his hands down his body. “I feel so  _ good!” _

Nezumi felt sweaty. “Yeah, I’m gonna join you.” He fished around for the remainder of his heroin, cooking up a dose of it shakily. “That looks… really good.”

“IT IS!” Shion screamed, causing birds to fly away. “SO GOOD!”

He pressed the needle into a vein in his leg. All the veins in his arms were dying. A moment later his head hit his chest and he reached out for Shion, taking his hand. “Mmm…”

They held onto each other for dear life, riding out the highs. Shion was screaming into the forest, sobbing out his happiness. Nezumi felt like he could choke on the sheer pleasure that was thrumming through his veins, thick and sweet.

Unfortunately, Nezumi’s high was over almost as soon as it began. He lay on the forest floor, frustrated and sober. “Heroin sucks.”

Shion was whimpering. “This is how I wanna die.” He rolled over to face Nezumi. “I feel the love in everything.” He sighed. “My head feels like a balloon.”

“I’ve always said you were an airhead.” Nezumi looked at him, smiling. “I’m glad you feel good.”

Shion’s eyes welled up with tears. “Thank you!”

“Alright…” Nezumi rolled his eyes. “Calm down.”

“Okay.” Shion squirmed. “I’m learning how good drugs are.”

“Ooh- um, that’s not really the lesson you’re meant to be-”

“I LOVE THIS!” Shion shouted, interrupting him. “It’s like cumming but forever!”

Nezumi laughed, sitting up. “Yep. Urg. I don’t feel great…” He glanced at his bag of heroin. He was almost out. If he rationed it perfectly, he should have enough to make it back through the forest without getting too sick. “Maybe I should…” If they walked quickly they could potentially make it back in four days. Maybe he should take an extra dose, just to feel good enough to walk. He shook himself. That was dangerous thinking. If he started thinking that way he’d wind up shooting the whole bag and then dying out here in the woods. Grimacing, he packed everything back away and stood. “Let’s get walking, Shion.”

“Okay.” Shion stood, rubbing his hands up and down his body. “I feel amazing.”

“I don’t.” Nezumi put a hand on his stomach, feeling it gurgle. “Ugh.”

Shion swung his backpack over his shoulder. “Ready?”

Nezumi picked up his own backpack. “Mhm.” They set to walking.

“You know what the great thing about drugs is?” Shion spoke up a few minutes later.

“Enlighten me.”

“They make your thoughts different. I hate my thoughts normally, the way they circle around and around and around. But with drugs, they just go on and on and on in a whole new direction. It’s an adventure.”

“That’s true.” Nezumi picked up their pace, hoping to outrun the creeping uneasiness in his gut.

Shion kept up easily, continuing to babble. “And I feel so happy. I never feel happy. It’s like all the joy I was missing suddenly came back to me all at once. I feel such empathy for the whole world right now. Also, I’d really like to masturbate but I don’t think I can. I mean, I don’t think I physically can. It’s strange, I feel utterly orgasmic, but I don’t think I could actually orgasm if I tried.”

“Probably not,” Nezumi said softly, fighting back nausea. Maybe he  _ should  _ shoot up. It would be dangerous to get sick out here. It was a conundrum. The more he shot up, the less time he’d have to get home. But the less he shot up, the more time it would take him to get home. Hmm.

“Is it weird that I’m talking about masturbation? It sounds weird to me, but I can’t tell if it’s just the drugs. I’ll shut up about it, just in case. I’m not totally sure what normal is right now, this is a very strange feeling. I don’t know how to describe it. Absolute euphoria. It’s insane, it’s-”

Suddenly, Nezumi’s body made the decision for him. He toppled forwards onto his hands and knees, coughing violently as his stomach heaved and he vomited.

“Oh.” Shion looked surprised. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Nezumi croaked. “Fuck.” He took a few deep breaths, trying to steady the chills that were racing down his spine. “Get my stash out of my backpack for me.” He shrugged the backpack off his shoulders, preferring to stay on his hands and knees.

“Okay.” Shion fished around in Nezumi’s pack, withdrawing the little kit. “Here.”

Nezumi nodded, eyes closed. “Okay. I can do this.” Another round of chills ran through his body where he steadfastly ignored them. He sat back on the balls of his feet and took the kit from Shion. He measured out a dose in the spoon and cooked up. Nausea clouded his vision as he waited for the water to boil. “Fuck heroin,” he gasped as he struggled not to puke again. “I’d rather be a meth head.” Finally, it was done cooking. He carefully placed a cotton ball in the spoon and laid the needle against it. Once the syringe was full, he quickly found a vein in his leg and injected.

Instantly, he felt much better.

“Oh fuck,” he gasped as the high hit him. “Mm, yes…”

“Feel better?” Shion looked at him, concerned.

“Mhm.” Nezumi nodded, barely able to speak. “Ahh…”

Shion’s eyes looked dark. “Are you okay now?”

Nezumi nodded again. “Yes. All good.” He stood shakily, feeling the world thrum with relief around him. He packed everything up and put back on his backpack. He took a drink from his water bottle and washed his mouth out. “Gross. Alright, let’s go.”

The difference was amazing. He felt so good he practically skipped along as they hiked through the woods.

Shion, on the other hand, looked upset. “That was scary.”

“Hm?” Nezumi looked at him oddly, vision still fuzzy with the drug. “How come?”

“I thought you might die.” Shion wrapped his arms around himself, shivering.

“I won’t die,” Nezumi assured him. “I’m pretty good at this.”

“That’s twice as much as you usually take.” He was still shaking. “You sure you’ll be okay?”

“I’m fine, don’t have a bad trip because of me.” Nezumi frowned at him. “Don’t let this turn dark. Remember how happy you were?”

Shion nodded. “I feel different now. The light’s gone.”

“Bring it back. You have another couple hours left before you feel normal again.”

Shion looked frightened. “I do? Your highs are so short.”

“Different drug. Chill, it’s all fine. I’m fine. Everything is good.”

Shion looked at him gratefully. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure. I’m not going to lie to you.” Nezumi took his hand, trying to smile. “Everything is totally good.”

Shion took a shuddering breath. “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shion felt good. Irrationally, overly good. His knees were bouncing where he sat on his couch, and he really wanted to go outside. He’d been inside for the past week, staying away from the dangers of the outside world. His doctor had him on new antidepressants. They picked up his mood so high he felt like he could fly.  
> Shion wasn’t depressed. Never had been. But his doctor insisted he was, so here he sat on the new medication, feeling higher than he ever had. He felt sweaty. Hot. Like he was burning up inside.  
> He stood suddenly. “You know what I fucking bet?” he said loudly to himself. “I bet if I went outside and just talked to the stray dog it would be my friend.” He rubbed his hands together quickly. “But I should be naked. Because dogs are naked. That way he’ll see I’m one of them.” He nodded, pleased with his logic.  
> He undressed quickly and ran outside. “Hey! Puppy!”  
> The dog wasn’t around. A policewoman, on the other hand, was.  
> “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” She approached him. “I’m going to have to ask you to put your clothes on.”  
> “No, no, no.” Shion shook his head. “I’m making friends.”  
> “I see.” She nodded knowingly. “Alright, I know who you are. Come with me.”  
> “I can’t, I have to meet a stray dog.” It was very important.  
> “There are no stray dogs in No. 6.” She frowned at him. “And you can’t be naked out here regardless.”  
> “He has to know I’m one of them.” Shion felt he wasn’t explaining himself properly. “So I can’t have clothes, because that would be weird.” He rubbed his hands together quickly. “I think my antidepressants are making me manic. Does that make sense?”  
> “I’m going to have to ask you to come with me. You’re clearly in distress, I should take you to the hospital.”  
> Shion’s eyes widened. “No, that’s okay. I’m not distressed, I feel really good. I’m meeting a dog, so I got stuff going on.”  
> “I don’t want to have to force you.”  
> “You’re not understanding me. I’m meeting a dog, so I have to be naked. And I don’t need to go to the hospital because I’m not crazy. They took me to the hospital before, they’re just trying to replace me. Are you a clone?” He backed away, suddenly realizing. “You’re a clone, just like my mother. Even the police are clones? How high does this thing go?”  
> The policewoman sighed. “Alright, you leave me no choice.” She grabbed Shion’s arms, twisting them behind his back. With quick, practiced motions, she walked him over to her car and shoved him in the back seat.  
> “No!” Shion wailed. “I won’t let you replace me!” He kicked the back of her seat. “The hospital is a lie! People are clones! They’re trying to kill me!”  
> “I don’t want to have to sedate you.” The policewoman turned around, annoyed. “Don’t make me, Shion.”  
> “You’re not even a real person!” He kicked the back of her seat again.  
> She closed her eyes for a long moment before taking out a sort of gun and pulling the trigger.  
> The sedative pierced Shion’s skin right below his shoulder. Instantly, the world began to get fuzzy.  
> “They’re gonna replace me…” Shion said softly as he began to black out.  
> “You’ll feel better in just a mom-”  
> Everything went dark.


	12. Goodnight bears, goodnight chairs

Five days later, they were close to being out of the woods. They only had about a six hour hike left before they would be back in the city. Nezumi wasn’t sure he could make it. He was leaning against a tree, breathing slowly and carefully as he struggled not to be sick. He was completely out of heroin, and he’d already reused the cottons until he was shooting water into his veins.

“Are you going to be okay?” Shion asked nervously.

“I dunno. Let’s get stoned.” Nezumi pointed at his backpack.

Shion hurriedly set about packing a bowl. “Here.” He passed green to Nezumi, who took the biggest hit he could manage.

“Fuck…” he said around a mouthful of smoke. “Fuck.” He tried desperately not to cough, knowing it would make him puke. “Here.” He quickly handed the pipe back to Shion, who took a couple hits.

“Can you make it out of the forest?” Shion asked, passing back the pipe.

Nezumi took another hit and shrugged. “I mean, it’s either that or I die. I guess we’ll find out.” He passed the pipe back.

“If you smoke enough, will that help you to-”

“I don’t know!” Nezumi cut him off shortly. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Last time I got to this point I had a fucking apartment with a shower I could curl up in to ride it out.”

“How long does this last?” Shion asked.

“Stop it. Stop asking me things. The answer is always  _ I don’t know.”  _ He clutched his stomach. “Fuck.”

Shion took another hit, looking pensive. “Underdose.”

“What?”

“Not an overdose. An underdose.” He passed the pipe to Nezumi. “Right?”

“I suppose.” Nezumi took another hit as it began to kick in. “Mm.”

“Any better?”

“Dunno.” He finished off the bowl and sat down. “Now I’m spun  _ and _ sick.”

Shion sat down next to him. “Only six more hours.”

Nezumi groaned. That sounded like hell. “Fuuuck.”

“Could you just throw up and get it out of your system?”

“Get  _ what  _ out of my system?” Nezumi snapped. “There’s nothing  _ in  _ my system, that’s the problem. It’s not like alcohol where you can just-” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He shut his mouth and eyes, trying to ride it out. Eventually, the moment passed. “Where you can just puke and be better. This is going to last at least a  _ week.  _ Assuming I survive the next six hours.” He stood gingerly and picked up his backpack. “Let’s get going, it’s only going to get worse.” The second he took a step forwards the world lurched around him, spinning wildly. He broke out in cold sweat and collapsed to the ground. “Urg…” He was shivering violently.

“Alright, this isn’t working.” Shion stared down at him. “I’m going back alone to get help, you set up camp here.”

Nezumi was in no place to argue. He couldn’t even speak. Shion carefully unstrapped him from his backpack and knelt down next to him.

“Stay here and wait it out while I go get help.”

Nezumi blinked the hallucinations away from his eyes. The world looked far too bright, and everything was moving. “C-c-c-”

“Shh, don’t worry. I’ve got this.”

Nezumi bit his tongue as he tried to talk. “C-c-c-can you?”

“Can I?”

“C-can you d-do it? C-can you t-talk t-to people?”

Shion hummed. “I hope so. Seems like our only option at this point.”

He was right. Nezumi nodded. “Okay.” Suddenly, a thought struck him. “W-wait, who are y-you getting?”

“Paramedics. And probably forest rangers since you’re way out here.”

“Y-y-you have t-to get r-rid of the-the-the drugs.” Nezumi forced himself into a sitting position. “All the weed.”

Shion’s face fell. “But how am I going to talk to people if I’m not high? I’ll relapse.”

“You h-h-have to manage.”

“Okay.” Shion looked nervous. “I- I guess I’ll get going, then.”

Nezumi didn’t answer. He could feel the Earth tumbling on its axis.

“Drink water,” Shion warned.

“Mhm,” Nezumi managed to reply. “Bye.”

“Bye.” Shion walked away.

Nezumi dragged himself over to a tree, propping himself up. “God fucking damnit.” He felt so stupid and useless and weak. “I hate myself.” Maybe he should just slit his throat and be done with it. It would be less painful that the week he had in store. Less painful than the coming  _ years  _ of cravings he’d surely face. The nightmares, the sweating, the depression… maybe it  _ would  _ be better to kill himself now. Nezumi didn’t want to live much longer than thirty anyway, maybe twenty six was the time to go.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his knife, turning it over in his hands, salivating. He could do it. It would be so easy. Death was welcome at this point, why should he deny this final craving?

Testing the sharpness, he pressed the blade of the knife into his arm, dragging gently until he felt the soft  _ pop pop pop  _ of breaking skin. Hmm.

Droplets of blood appeared on the pinkish line he’d drawn on his arm. He dragged his finger through them, smearing the red around.

“So easy…”

So much easier than heroin withdrawal. He drew another line on his arm, thinking about pain. He’d experienced so much worse, what was a little pain to him anymore? Especially if it ended in empty nothingness.

“Stop it,” he commanded himself, throwing the knife away. “You’re being stupid.” He leaned back against the tree, breathing heavily. How the hell was he going to make it out of this? He was relying on the chance that Shion of all people could persuade the rangers that Nezumi really was out here, dying. And even if Shion managed to form full sentences, and even if the rangers believed him, there was still the chance that Nezumi would be dead before they got there.

“I’ve survived worse,” he told himself doubtfully. “I can do this. It’s just waiting.”

That’s when he realized the time. It was already two o’ clock. It would take Shion six hours to get back, and if the rangers were travelling by horseback, it would take them about four to get here. It would be midnight before they arrived at the very soonest, meaning Nezumi needed both shelter and a signal fire.

He pushed himself to his feet and the world spun. His vision blacked out and he gripped the trunk of the tree, trying with all his might not to fall over. He needed to gather firewood. He blinked rapidly, trying to clear the swirling blackness from his eyes. Where had he thrown his knife? He needed it to chop wood. Where were his gloves? His butane lighter? Everything was packed away, meaning he’d have to really unpack in order to get to them. Oh well. Time to set up camp.

Shakily, Nezumi began unpacking things from his backpack. Sleeping pad, sleeping roll, tent, tent stakes, change of clothes… finally. His gloves. It was dangerous to hurt your hands out in the woods, Nezumi had learned that the hard way and wound up shivering cold one fateful night.

Alright, time to collect firewood. He stared at the ground, which was warping before his eyes. Hallucinations. One of the side effects of heroin withdrawal. He’d hoped to avoid that particular symptom, but oh well.

He was for sure going to burn himself. That was the thought in his head as he struggled to reach for a handful of kindling. He was going to really hurt himself doing this, then he’d definitely die out here.

He had to stop every few minutes to breathe. It was tough work to build a fire in the best of conditions, now he was really struggling.

It took him several hours to collect enough wood. By the time he was done, he was dehydrated and shaking violently. He took a few slow sips from his water container, hoping he’d be able to keep it down.

He couldn’t. The second the water hit his stomach his body rebelled and brought it all back up. So much for staying hydrated. Nezumi set the water aside and lay down on the ground. Maybe just a quick nap before he built the fire.

He shut his eyes, and instantly waves of dizziness rolled over him. The images behind his lids were swaying and rolling like the ocean, making him motion sick. Defeated, he opened his eyes and stared at the evening sky.

That’s when he heard a rustle in the forest.

Sitting up quickly and instantly regretting it, Nezumi listened for the source of the noise. He held his head as it throbbed and the world wobbled around him. What had that sound been? Sounded like a large animal.

He wouldn’t worry, but it was known that bears lived in this part of the woods. It would be dangerous to stumble onto one’s path.

Shakily, he reached out for a couple rocks and banged them together. The noise should alert any wildlife of his presence. The most dangerous thing would be to startle a bear by having it accidentally cross your path. By making plenty noise, the bears would be alerted and stay away.

The rustling only got louder.

Nezumi’s heart leapt to his throat when he heard the unmistakable sound of a bear’s growl.

“Hey!” he shouted at it. “I’m here!”

The growling continued.

Should he leave? A bear could certainly outrun him. He couldn’t climb a tree, and even if he could, so could a bear.

He grabbed a strong looking stick and a couple rocks, desperately hoping he wouldn’t have to fight. This was the wrong day for a bear attack.

His muscles were aching from picking up wood, and his head was spinning. He could barely focus on one spot. As the growling grew ever louder, Nezumi stood up preparing to fight.

He instantly fell to the ground in a shivering heap. “No…” What a stupid way to die. What an absolutely pathetic ending to his life. Unable even to fight due to his own self-inflicted problems.

Lights flashed before his eyes, blinding him to the world around him. The sound of bears and rustling continued.

“I should… build a fire.” He got to his knees, crawling over to the pile of wood he’d collected. Maybe the smell of smoke would rive the beast away.

Painstakingly, he built a small pyramid and lit the kindling beneath. Thankfully, thankfully, smoke appeared around a small flame. Nezumi blew on it with every bit of strength he had, trying to make it spread.

He almost laughed as he heard a grunt and a fearful sound. It was working. The flame spread and smoke filled the air, lighting the wood.

“I’m gonna live forever!” He screamed with all his might as the sound of rustling circled around him.

That’s when he heard a second growl.

“Oh, shit.” Nezumi huddled close to the fire, fear gripping his heart. He struggled not to hyperventilate as the sound drew closer, as he could already feel himself blacking out.

The world warped into nonsense, and he fell to the ground by the fire, face first in the dirt. “Urgh…” he groaned as he shut his eyes. He was inches from flame, but his skin felt as cold as ice.

He spun into oblivion, feeling the bear’s breath on the back of his neck. So this is how he was going to die? Not heroin, not exposure, not an angry cop with a gun. A bear attack he was too sick to fight.

He shook, sweating and ill, as the bears drew closer. He was about to die. For real this time.

“Just do it…” he sighed, giving up. He wouldn’t mind death right now. If nothing else, the pain would stop.

The world was psychedelia. The only word Nezumi understood was  _ heroin  _ as his body gave into death. That’s all he wanted. That’s all there was. All there had ever been. The world swirled, colorful syringes and flame flashed before his eyes. He reached out, grabbing one out of the air and sticking it in his arm. It didn’t help. He grabbed another, sticking it in his leg. Nothing changed. Frustrated, he sobbed.

“I wanna die!”

The sound of bears was even closer. He could feel them stomping on the ground around him, even if he couldn’t see them through the hallucination in his eyes.

“Kill me!”

Then, they did. A sharp pain in his stomach, and the bear dragged its claws through Nezumi’s flesh. He convulsed, choking up a mouthful of blood which ran down his cheeks to the dirt.

The bear kicked him, rolling him onto his side where he coughed up another wave of blood.

The bear’s teeth sunk into his chest, and he screamed soundlessly. It tore out his windpipe, and he couldn’t breathe.

“Clear his airway!” A strange, garbled sounding voice floated down from the heavens.

Something was clawing its way down his throat, and he didn’t fight it. He was already dead, what was the point?

Then, he could breathe again.

“Get him in the chopper!”

The world lurched, and Nezumi felt himself being picked up. Were the bears carrying him away? Just kill him already, don’t torture him anymore.

“Let’s get him to Green Haven, everywhere in No. 6 is full.”

“Everywhere?”

“Lots of junkies nowadays.”

“Shiiit.”

Nezumi reached out around him, trying to come to terms with what was happening to him. He was dead, right? He’d been attacked by a bear, and now he was dead.

“What’s he mumbling about?”

“Prob’ly fucking heroin, that’s all they seem to talk about.”

“He said something about a bear.”

“No bears in these woods. He’s probably hallucinating, look at him.”

“Looks like these two have something in common.”

“Haha, yeah.”

What? What was happening? Nezumi struggled to open his eyes. He seemed to be in an ambulance. A very small ambulance. There were medical supplies all around, and an EMT was taking care of him.

“Hello,” the young man smiled. “No worries. You’re safe now.”

Two forest rangers sat in the front- a helicopter. He was in a helicopter.

“Where…”

“We picked you up in the forest. We’re headed to Green Haven rehab.”

Nezumi nodded. “That’s… that’s where I was going.”

“That’s what Shion said. I think. He’s a bit hard to understand, isn’t he?”

Shion was sitting to the side, rocking back and forth. “25… blasphemy… kill yourself.”

“He’s schizophrenic,” Nezumi explained.

“Oh, I know. I’ve treated him before.” The EMT beamed. “You’re lucky we found you. No signal fire, no campsite, nothing.”

Nezumi frowned. “I made a fire.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Yes I did! I was chasing off the bears!”

The EMT nodded. “I’m sure you saw lots of strange things. But I can assure you there was no fire. Firewood, certainly. No fire.”

Nezumi felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. “But… I was attacked by a bear.”

The EMT hesitated. “I’m sure it’s incredibly painful coming down off heroin, but there was no bear attack. Look at yourself.”

Nezumi felt his stomach, finding it all in place. “But…”

“Hallucinations are wild things. They make us believe in almost anything.”

Nezumi’s eyes flicked over to Shion, who was smacking himself in the side of the head. “Yeah…” He swallowed roughly. “Can… can you help him?”

The EMT looked at Shion. “Unfortunately there’s nothing I can do at the moment. He’ll have all the help he needs at Green Haven.”

Nezumi nodded. “Okay.”

They flew all night and into the morning to reach No. 4. With a sedative and an antiemetic draining into his arm, Nezumi felt better and managed to get some sleep. He would deal with the problems he’d created for himself in the morning. For the moment, however, it was good to be rescued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were asters lining the pathway. Shion scowled at them, and scanned the sky. Somewhere there must be drones with cameras, watching him.  
> Blue skies.  
> But you never knew, drones were nearly invisible. They wanted him to go down that path. They were trying to control him, they were orchestrating his life. It was a sign, the asters, that he was meant to go that way.  
> Angrily, Shion turned the other direction and began to march away. Then, he halted. What if that’s exactly what they wanted? What if they knew he knew he was being controlled and they were trying to direct him away from that path? What if there was something important down there?  
> He turned back around and squinted down the aster-lined path. But what if… Shion shook himself. He could go round and round all day.  
> “I know what you want me to do!” he lied, shouting at the sky. “I know you want to direct the way I’m going!” He huffed, frustrated. “Well, shows you! I’m going to sit right here all day and wait!” He sat down in the middle of the street.  
> “Sir, you can’t sit here,” a policewoman approached him.  
> “Yeah, you’d like it if I left, wouldn’t you?” he challenged.  
> She nodded. “I would like that. I would like you to leave.”  
> “I’m not listening to you.”  
> She hesitated. “Shion, don’t make me call your mother.”  
> “My mother is gone!” Shion shouted, wanting to cry. “You’ve replaced her with a clone!”  
> The policewoman sighed. “I don’t want to have to force you. You’re disrupting the flow of traffic.”  
> “Which is it?” Shion stood, pointing at the path. “Am I meant to walk down there or no?”  
> She looked confused. “Meant to? I’m not sure where you’re meant to be, but it’s certainly not sitting in the middle of the street.”  
> “Great acting, I’m sure they pay you tons.” Shion folded his arms. “Just tell me what I’m supposed to do so I can keep up this little game you’re playing.”  
> “You’re just not meant to be sitting in the middle of the street.”  
> “Oh yeah?” Shion stormed away from the path. “I know you want me to go down there. I refuse!”  
> “Alrighty, so long as you’re not disrupting things.”  
> “I’ll disrupt everything!” Shion screamed angrily. “I’m not playing your game anymore.”  
> He stormed away from the path, not sure exactly where he was headed, but sure he wasn’t going down that path. Whatever it was, it was probably dangerous. He’d have to investigate more some other time. For now, though, he just wanted to get as far away from that policewoman as possible before she replaced him.  
> He’d figure it all out later.


	13. Goodnight kittens and goodnight mittens

Nezumi woke up from a sedative-induced haze at the entrance to Green Haven hospital, lying on his side on a gurney. He struggled to sit up and found himself restrained.

“Why-”

“We’ll let you up once you’re checked into the hospital,” a doctor he’d never seen before explained. “For now you’re a danger to yourself.”

Nezumi pulled at the restraints, testing them. “This is unnecessary, I’m willingly checking myself in.”

“It’s not about that, it’s about the convulsions. You could hurt yourself.” The doctor inspected the restraints and motioned for the EMTs to take him indoors.

“Convulsions? I feel fine.”

“You feel fine because of the methadone.” The doctor wrote something down on a clipboard and turned to walk away. “I’ll see you tonight for your next dose.”

“Am I in scrubs?” He looked down at himself. “Did you change my clothes?”

“You’d have wanted to be changed if you were awake.”

Nezumi couldn’t exactly argue with that. He gave up struggling and lay down. “Where’s Shion?”

“He’s already checked in,” one of the EMTs said. “You can visit him later.”

“Is he doing okay?”

“That depends on what you mean by okay,” the other EMT said with a smirk. “He’s physically safe. They got him in mittens.”

“What?” Nezumi frowned.

“He was hitting himself in the head. They got him in mittens so he can’t hurt himself.”

Nezumi grimaced. “So he’s that bad?”

“He saw you convulsing and respirating on your own vomit when we found you. Freaked him out a bit.”

“Yeah…” Nezumi felt bad. “I should talk to him.”

“You can later.” They wheeled him into the lobby, where several women in scrubs sat behind a desk.

“Rehab?” one of them asked.

“Yup.” The EMT laughed. “I’m gonna let you up now so you can fill out the papers.”

“Finally,” Nezumi scowled. “This is humiliating.”

They unstrapped him from the gurney. He sat up slowly, expecting to feel dizzy. He didn’t. “Damn, methadone works.”

“That it does.” The EMTs helped him off the gurney. “Alright, good luck.”

“Yeah.” Nezumi nodded. “Um… thanks.”

“Mhm.” They walked away, chatting with each other.

“Wait, where’s my stuff?” He looked around like it might be sitting in a corner.

“We have to inspect it all,” the woman behind the desk said boredly.

“For what? You’re touching my stuff?” Nezumi was annoyed. “Why?”

“We need to have it checked for contraband.” She handed him a clipboard of papers.

Nezumi supposed that made sense. Still, it was annoying. “You could have asked.”

“No we couldn’t have. Go fill out your paperwork.”

Nezumi scowled and marched off to the waiting room to sit down. “Whatever…”

The paperwork took quite a while to fill out. He had to keep taking it back and getting special forms due to his lack of citizenship. By the end of it all, not only was he checked into rehab, but he was halfway to becoming a citizen of No. 6.

“Can I see Shion now?”

“You’re welcome to visit with the other patients in the general area.” She gestured vaguely towards a sign.

“Finally.” Nezumi huffed, following the arrow that pointed him in that direction.

Down the hall there were large, glass, double doors that led to a cafeteria and general room. Nezumi waited while they slid open slowly, and went inside. People in various colors of scrubs were milling about, shuffling like the world had broken them.

Nezumi noticed Shion instantly, sitting in front of the TV with white mittens on his hands, in blue scrubs that looked almost exactly like Nezumi’s green ones. He was staring at the flashing screen with his lips parted, a vacant look in his eyes.

“Hey.” Nezumi walked over and sat down next to him. “Doing alright?”

Shion didn’t answer. His eyes looked dull. Nezumi waved a hand in front of his face, and he snapped out of it. “Huh?”

“I said doing alright?” Nezumi tried to laugh to lighten the mood. “Zoned out there for a bit.”

“Mhm.” Shion nodded slowly. “They gave me… Clozaril.”

“Again?”

“Said I needed a stronger dose.” He inhaled and exhaled slowly. “And Prazosin. And Prozac.”

Nezumi nodded. “Wow. Well, they got me on a cocktail as well. Methadone and ondansetron and  phenobarbital.”

Shion nodded tiredly. “I miss weed.”

“Yeah, and I fucking miss heroin, but that’s why we’re here. So we don’t need those things anymore.” He patted Shion’s knee. “Gonna be okay?”

“Mhm.” Shoin blinked, letting his eyes fall closed for a while. “I’m starting to think I’m not in Hell.”

Nezumi’s breath caught. “Really? You think so?”

“Yeah. It was all orchestrated by the government to keep me from investigating.”

“...What?”

“Just like before.”

Frustrated, Nezumi closed his eyes and counted to three. “So you’re just onto the next delusion?”

Shion looked at him skeptically.  _ “You  _ believe the government is good?  _ You?” _

“I’m not some conspiracy theorist,” Nezumi protested. “I called it like it was. The government used to be corrupt, now it’s not.”

“It  _ is.  _ I can prove it.” Shion looked at him earnestly. “We just have to get to the source.”

“What source? Shion, you were in the upper echelons of government for years, don’t you think you would have been let in on the secret if there was one?” Nezumi pleaded with him. “Just once, don’t be delusional.”

“I’m not delusional! I’m being manipulated. They’re watching me  _ because  _ of my former position in the government. They know I’m likely to catch onto their conspiracy, they know I’m the kind of person who would take them down. Just like I did the old No. 6.” He looked away from Nezumi, angry.

“...I guess there’s nothing I can do to argue you out of this.”

“Nope.”

“Well, then. Let’s just move on, shall we? I think-”

There was a loud chime, and a voice rang out over the speaker system. “All rehabilitation patients are to report to group therapy in the next five minutes. Thank you.” There was a hiss of static, and the speaker hung up.

“I guess that’s me.” Nezumi stood. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Shion nodded. “Okay.”

Nezumi followed another green-scrub-clad patient out of the room and into a hallway, which led to a smaller room labeled  _ Group. _

They all took seats in a circle, in that stereotypical way you see in movies. Strangely, all but two of them were wearing normal clothes. Once they were all seated, a man, presumably the therapist, stood.

“Hello. To our newcomers, my name is Patrick. I’m a social worker and a recovering alcoholic. Since we have a couple new faces, let’s all go around and introduce ourselves. Lisa, do you want to start?”

A young woman, probably around Nezumi’s age, stood. “Hi, I’m Lisa and I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been at Green Haven as an outpatient for two years.” She sat.

“Hi, I’m Pedro, and I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been outpatient here for five years.”

“Hi, I’m Onodera, and I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been outpatient for seven months.”

It continued this way for the next few people. All alcoholics, all outpatient. Nezumi felt out of place. When it was his turn, he stood, a bit nervous.

“Um… Hi. I’m Nezumi. I’m a… I’m a heroin addict. I’m inpatient. Since… since today.”

The next person stood once he sat. “I’m Julio, I’m an alcoholic. I’ve been outpatient for five weeks.”

Not until near the end did another nervous looking young man, the only other one in scrubs, stand and introduce himself as anything else. “H-hi. I’m Roman. I’m addicted to methamphetamine. I’ve been inpatient since… um… yesterday.” He smiled at Nezumi and nodded his solidarity.

The rest of the people finished up their introductions, no one else anything but an alcoholic.

“Very good.” Patrick smiled warmly. “So, does anyone want to start out? How was everyone’s week?”

Julio, the man next to Nezumi, raised his hand. “I had a rough week. It was my sister’s birthday, everyone was drinking around me. It’s that social pressure. It’s hard to say no. I had to leave the room, I sat in her bedroom for hours trying not to go back out there and drink. Just the once, you know? Just for the party. But that’s how it starts. That’s how it always starts.”

People hummed their understanding.

“Good for you for making it through,” Lisa said. “That’s impressive.”

Julio shrugged.

Nezumi tuned out their chatter. It was nothing, he thought, what they were going through. Nothing compared to heroin.  _ Nothing.  _ It seemed almost childish to complain. They didn’t know the pain of withdrawal. The cravings so intense you wanted to pull your own teeth out, they didn’t understand.

Patrick snapped him out of his reverie. “I’m going to pick on one of our new people. Roman, do you want to talk about your week? I just saw you yesterday, but the rest of the group didn’t.”

Roman blinked rapidly. “Uh… Okay.” He swallowed a few times. “S-so… I quit meth two days ago. Right before I came in here. It’s a wild ride, you know? Makes you really… really good. Makes you faster, think different, makes everything seem okay. Seem great. But it makes you act like a psycho. Like… like the other day I smoked my bowl and smeared sunscreen all over all the windows… you know, to keep the sun out. My mom was so pissed at me she kicked me outside. But that’s where the sun is, right? So I kinda freaked out. I was hiding in shadows trying to stay away from the sun, wound up huddled under the porch rocking back and forth like a maniac. Only when I came down did I realize it was stupid. I had to apologize to my mom for like an hour before she let me back in.”

There was silence around the group.

Nezumi burst out laughing, and everyone stared at him.

“Do you want to say something?” Patrick asked him.

“No, I just…” Nezumi shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

Roman shrugged. “‘S alright. It’s pretty funny now.”

“Why don’t you tell us a story, Nezumi?” Patrick leaned forwards over his knees. “I’d love to hear from you.”

Nezumi nodded. “Okay. Um… Heroin doesn’t make you do crazy shit. It’s a downer, you don’t want to do much at all. The bad thing is when you don’t have enough on you and you gotta find more. I remember being broke and homeless in the forest, wandering with this band of junkies. Gutter punks, all of them. All of us, I guess I was too. We were begging for money in a little artist village when all of the sudden this great beast of a woman walks through. Chique as hell. Like she had beaucoup bucks for real. This chick Lola nudges me, says she bets she can make the bitch for a twenty. Walks up to her and starts to spin this tale about how her son is in the hospital and she needs cab fare to go see him- distracting her, you know? So I take the opportunity and go around back to steal her wallet from her purse. Well, she catches wise and beats the living shit out of both of us. I’m lying there with for sure broken ribs, Lola’s got a split lip and a black eye, and this behemoth of a lady walks off without a scratch. But I got her wallet. So I stand up, struggling to breathe, and go buy us each a shot. We shoot up together on this lady’s dime, and it’s all worth it. Every cracked rib, totally paid off with this one shot. That’s heroin for you. Doesn’t make you do crazy things when you’re on it, but it makes you a klepto when you’re not.”

Roman nodded, eyes shut like he was listening to smooth jazz. “I feel that.”

Nezumi didn’t talk for the rest of the hour and a half long session. Neither did Roman. It was pretty dull listening to the stories of the alcoholics, none of them were quite as interesting as Roman.

After the session they all stood up to leave. Roman flagged Nezumi down immediately.

“Hey, man.” He clapped Nezumi on the shoulder. “Shiiit.”

“Shit.” Nezumi agreed.

“How’s withdrawal treating you?” Roman grinned a toothless grin.

“Like a little bitch.” Nezumi sighed. “You?”

“Like I wanna fucking blow my brains out but they took my gun.” He kicked his head back and laughed. “Therapy, man! Never done it before.”

“Me neither.” Nezumi smiled at the way Roman laughed. “I feel like we’re out of place.”

“So many alchies!” Roman agreed. “They ain’t  _ never  _ felt what we felt.”

“So, when’d you get into meth?” Nezumi asked as the walked out of the room.

“Hmm… when I was eighteen? Started with cocaine, then speed, and kept working my way up. Up and up and up! It’s uppers for me. I was just a bored teenager. Depressed, you know? Like major depression. Tried to kill myself when I was twelve. Then one day I was at a party and some guy was like, hey this’ll make you not want to stick a gun in your mouth, so I jumped at that opportunity. I still kinda think it’s one of the best things I ever done. It was like a discovery, you know? Like waking up. I realized how  _ good  _ life could be. I still thank meth for that. Though I’m sure that’s wrongthink somehow.”

Nezumi nodded, completely understanding. “Yeah. I got started when I was probably around twenty one? Twenty two? Started on pills and then got hooked. Started with hydrocodone, that sneaky little bitch of a drug. I was injured doing some strongarming work. Fucked up my arm really badly. Someone sold me some pills for the pain, and I kept going from there, seeking out that high. It was magical. That feeling. Like the past didn’t matter anymore. And fuck me, I loved chasing away sickness almost as much as I loved the high. I wanted something to run towards, and heroin gave me a dragon to chase. I was tired of just running away. I loved the lifestyle too, the way you gotta steal to fix to live. The way everything revolves around junk. Makes everything else seem inconsequential. And I have seen plenty consequential shit in my life. I think it got me through the PTSD. So thank you heroin. Fucking thank you.”

Roman snapped his fingers in rhythm. “I totally feel that, brother! Totally, man.”

They walked back into the main room, where Shion was still sitting on the couch, looking like he hadn’t moved a muscle.

“Ah, Roman. This is Shion.”

“Oh, you came with a buddy!” Roman beamed. “Hey Shion.” He inspected Shion’s blue scrubs and restraint mittens. “Psych?”

“Yeah. He’s schizophrenic.”

“Shiiit.” Roman nodded. “That’s a bitch.”

“He’s a bit spun out at the moment, thinks the government is out to get him.”

Shion looked up suddenly. “You think it’s funny! It’s not!”

“Whoa!” Roman held up his hands. “Nobody’s saying it’s funny. That sounds scary as hell.”

“It was literally scary as hell!” Shion nodded. “They made me think I was in Hell, I think they’re controlling my thoughts.”

Roman chewed on his lower lip, musing. “Hmm… Well, that’s a bummer, man. I feel ya. I used to think there were wires in my brain.”

Shion nodded gratefully. “Yes! They microchipped me!”

“That sure sucks.” Roman hummed. “Sorry that’s happening to you.”

Shion’s eyes welled up. “Thank you.”

Roman sat down on one side of Shion, Nezumi on the other.

Nezumi patted Shion’s shoulder. “Have you just been sitting here the whole time?”

“Whole time? You were gone for like five minutes.”

“We were gone for an hour and a half.”

Shion paled. “But… So I timewarped.”

“You didn't timewarp. You just zoned out. Alright?” Nezumi corrected him carefully.

“Okay.” Shion nodded slowly. “For how long?”

“An hour and a half.”

Shion looked at the ground, frustrated. “It’s these stupid medications.”

A voice rang out over the speaker, “All psych patients report to your group therapy within the next five minutes.”

Shion sighed. “That’s me.” He stared at his restrained hands. “Will you get these  _ stupid  _ things off me?” he snapped at a passing nurse.

“Are you ready to be calm?” The nurse asked.

“Yes!” Shion pulled at his restraints.

“Alright then. Just know we could put them back on at any moment.” She removed the mittens.

Shion flexed his hands, looking relieved. “Thank you.” He stood, wobbled a bit, and found his balance. “I’m going to group.”

“Enjoy,” Roman waved at him then turned to Nezumi. “You’re my roommate.”

“I am?” Nezumi was surprised. “I didn’t know that.”

“It should have been written on the form you signed when you checked in.” Roman hummed. “Either way, all your stuff is up there. The backpack.”

“Oh yeah, that’s mine.” Nezumi nodded and stood. “Let’s go check it out.”

Roman stood too. “After you.”

“Off on an adventure.” Nezumi grinned. He liked Roman. This might not all be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They were stealing his thoughts. Shion was in a panic as he screamed wordlessly and tore his apartment apart, searching for the device that was doing this to him. All his thoughts were gone. He had no words, no musings, no nothing. It was silence in his head, and it was never silence in his head. He struggled to think of a single word. He couldn’t do it. His tongue was utterly tied. He couldn’t speak.  
> There must be a malfunction with his mind control chip. He stopped in his tracks suddenly while unscrewing the last lightbulb in his apartment. That was it. The chip in his neck. It had broken or stopped working somehow. Usually, it was used to put thoughts in his head that weren’t his. It was used to tell him what to do, where to go, and how to live. But now, something in the control room must have gone wrong. Maybe his puppet master was away from the keyboard. Whatever it was, it was terrifying.  
> He dashed to the kitchen and got a knife. He needed to cut it out. Maybe then he would go back to normal. Maybe this entire fever-dream waking nightmare would stop.  
> He went into the bathroom and inspected the back of his neck in the mirror by holding up another small mirror. Yes. There it was. A tiny bump right under his scalp that housed the microchip.  
> With shaking hands, he held the knife up to his neck, pressing down firmly. It took a few tries before he broke the skin and blood appeared. Just a little bit deeper. He could do it.  
> It hurt like hell. He cried out in agony as he dug deeper with the tip of the knife. It had to be there. It had to.  
> Blood ran down his hand and dripped onto the counter. Just a little bit deeper, and he would find it. He could feel it beeping. It knew it was being attacked.  
> And just like that, the voices came back.  
> Stop! What are you doing? Don’t do it!  
> Shion managed to find his tongue. “I’m getting rid of you!”  
> You’ll kill yourself! This isn’t part of the plan!  
> “I want to have my own mind again!” He sobbed as he pressed the tip of the knife even deeper.  
> That’s when the doorbell rang. “Hello?” It was little Shion. He opened the door with the key he had and let himself in. “I brought food.”  
> “Go away!” Shion cried.  
> Little Shion didn’t listen. He walked into the bathroom, and his eyes went wide. “O-oh! Oh no! Uh… Uh… Um…” He pressed the button on his wristband and called the emergency line.  
> “No!” Shion set the knife down and went to stop him. The world warped sickeningly and he had to grab onto the counter to stay upright, dizzy. “Don’t call anyone, they’re going to replace me!”  
> “I need an ambulance,” little Shion said, voice shaking.  
> “We’ll send one right away,” the voice on his wrist replied.  
> “Th-thank you!” Little Shion hung up. “Just- just hold on. They’ll be here soon.”  
> “No!” Shion shoved past him. “I have to get away!”  
> “Wait!” little Shion called. “Stop!” His bottom lip trembled. “I’m calling mom.”  
> Shion stumbled across the floor, blood loss making it hard to see. “I need to get away…”  
> He could feel himself blacking out. The last thing he heard was little Shion’s sobbing voice talking to his mother. “M-m-mom! He-he-he did it again! You promised I w-wouldn’t have to see…”  
> Shion passed out on the floor, face first. He mumbled as he did so, “No hospital.”


	14. Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks

The first night was horrible. The clock read nearly one AM, and Nezumi and Roman both sat awake, wrapped in blankets in their beds.

Roman’s lower lip was trembling as he struggled not to cry. “Fucking shit, bro, this is-” he blinked and gasped. “This is bullshit. Why’d I even come to rehab? I don’t want this shit. I want meth! Meth was good to me. She never- I mean, I’m still in the crash, I’m not even craving yet, I just…” his voice wobbled and he sighed. “I’m such a fucking pussy, I can’t believe I’m crying. Can I get a fucking asprin, yo?” he shouted out the door. “My head is seriously killer.”

Nezumi was shivering. He felt feverish, A sudden muscle spasm kicked his legs out beneath him, and he slid down in bed until he was lying down. He continued shaking, random spasms knocking him around. “I think I might actually die…” He tried to inhale and choked on his own breath. He coughed violently and shuddered. “I need more methadone. Hey!” He hit his call button. “Somebody help me here!”

“You think they’ll let us die?” Roman asked. “You think… I mean, it’s the government, ya know? You think they’ll wanna like-” he drew a finger across his neck. “Get rid of us?”

“You sound like Shion.”

“Maybe he’s right! Maybe they’re fucking controlling our thoughts. I can feel shit crawling under my skin, maybe-”

The nurse walked in. “You called?”

“I need more methadone.” Nezumi struggled to sit up. “Please.”

The nurse shook her head. “You’re not due for it until tomorrow morning.”

“So give it early! I just won’t take it tomorrow,” Nezumi pleaded “Please, I’m dying over here.”

“You’re not dying. Did you need anything else?”

“Just-” Nezumi huffed. “Come on. Off the record, I won’t tell anyone you gave it to me.”

“Not a chance. Is that all you needed?”

“Can I get some fucking asprin?” Roman grimaced, holding his head.

“That I can do.” The nurse smiled sympathetically at Roman.

Nezumi wracked his brain, trying to think of anything that would make her give him the drugs. “I didn’t take it earlier,” he lied. “Can’t I have my dose now?”

“You did, it’s on your chart.”

“Well, the chart is wrong!” Panic gripped his chest as the nurse began to walk away. “Wait! I-um, I-” She closed the door on them. Nezumi was hyperventilating. “You think if I break my arm they’ll give me opioids?” He looked around for something heavy. “I could fall down and slam myself on my wrist.”

“They won’t.” Roman stared at the wall dully, tears in his eyes. “God, the fucking bugs in here!” He slapped himself all over, like mosquitos were biting him.

“I’m gonna break my arm.” Nezumi stood, bracing himself. “Anything is better than this.”

“Don’t do it.” Roman smacked himself on the side of the face, leaving a red mark. “Not worth it. They won’t give you drugs.”

“I’m gonna do it.” Nezumi took a few deep breaths. “It’s absolutely worth it. Tell them I stood up, had a spasm, and fell over.”

Roman looked at him skeptically. “Godspeed, I guess, man.”

Deep craving consuming his mind, Nezumi scanned the room for anything to break his arm with. Ah. The nightstand. He could drop it on himself. He scrambled over it it, crouching down. Carefully, with great effort due to his weakened state, he lifted the corner and lined up his left wrist.

“Jesus, dude!” Roman shot to his feet. “Don’t actually- I don’t wanna hear that! I thought you were bluffing!”

Nezumi didn’t answer. He took a few deep breaths and dropped the nightstand on his arm. “Fuck!” He screamed as he felt his wrist crack. With all his might, he lifted the nightstand off his arm and curled up on the linoleum floor, shaking with pain.

The nurse walked back in with Roman’s aspirin. She sighed when she saw Nezumi. “Let me guess.”

“He fell, man.” Roman said loyally. “He had a- a leg spasm or something.”

“Did he now?” The nurse frowned. “Well, I guess we’d better call a doctor.” She handed Roman his medication and pressed the button on her wristband. “Hello, yes. I need help in room 306. A patient appears to have an injured wrist.”

Nezumi’s wrist felt hot. “I broke it.”

“And I assume you want me to prescribe hydrocodone?”

Nezumi shrugged. “I- I mean, It would help, right? This hurts really badly. Can’t you give me something for the pain?”

“I can get you an aspirin.”

Nezumi scowled. “You’re not the doctor, you’ll see. The doctor will understand.”

“Get up.” The nurse commanded, looking at Nezumi like he was dirt. “Back in bed.”

“I’m injured!”

“Are your legs?” She stuck her hip out. “I said get up.”

Nezumi glared at her and stood. “Ow, fuck!” His wrist protested the jostling.

“I’ve seen plenty patients injure themselves for drugs.”

“That’s not what happened!” Nezumi defended himself. “I fell, like he said!”

“Is that really what happened?” the nurse asked Roman.

Roman nodded. “Totally, dude, he fell.”

“You’re not helping him by lying,” the nurse responded. “Nevermind. It doesn't matter. You’re a rehab patient, you’re not getting opiates.”

The doctor walked in, a tall woman with cropped black hair. “What’s going on?”

“I fell and broke my wrist.” Nezumi held it up to show her. Angry red bruises were forming.

“Did you now?” The doctor raised an eyebrow. “How convenient.”

“Convenient- this fucking hurts! Can’t you help me?” Nezumi was getting frustrated. “I had a leg spasm and fell on my wrist.”

“Let’s get you to X-ray.” The doctor sighed, stepping out for a moment and returning with a wheelchair. “Sit down.”

“What? Why?” Nezumi looked at the chair suspiciously.

“Well, if your leg spasms are so bad you can’t help but snap your wrists, you’d better use a wheelchair.” The doctor smiled. “Unless that’s not what happened?”

Nezumi narrowed his eyes at her. “That’s what happened.” He walked over and sat down in the chair. “Let’s go.”

The nurse wheeled him off down the hallway, following the doctor.

They went through an elevator to another floor, and then to a room labeled radiology. They helped him into a special chair and put a lead apron over him, propping his arm up on a table.

“OUCH!” Nezumi shouted when they jostled him. Maybe if he played up the pain a bit…

They took a few pictures and wheeled him away.

“You know, you’re here voluntarily,” the doctor said as she hung up the X-rays. “If you wanted to leave and go back to heroin, that’s up to you.”

“I didn’t do this for drugs,” Nezumi lied. “I want to be clean.” The much at least was the truth.

So why had he done it? Well, he probably hadn’t been thinking clearly. Heroin is a strange sort of beast. It starts in the back of your mind, telling you you’re going to die if you don’t get your next fix. Then it crawls up to your rational brain where the message gets processed as something like,  _ just this once, _ or  _ it will help me come down.  _ But it’s never truly rational. It’s just your fight or flight instinct telling you you’re about to die. And he thought maybe if he got the opiates it would help him come down. Instead of methadone, hydrocodone. It would be ultimately for the best, right? If he could just get the drugs now, if he could just get some  _ sleep,  _ maybe that would help him in his rehabilitation. Right? Of course. Of course that’s how it worked, because that’s how heroin said it would work.

“Well, it’s certainly broken. I can set it back in place and put on a cast. It shouldn’t hurt that badly once I do.

Panic gripped his heart. “But, I mean, don’t I need  _ some  _ kind of painkiller? Something to help me sleep? Plus, I fucked up my back when I fell, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to lay down properly. You could just give me a little bit and not even give me methadone in the morning. I’ll be fine on just a little bit. Anything. Just something to help with the pain.”

The doctor shrugged. “I can give you an aspirin.”

Nezumi growled. “That’s not enough! I’m really hurting here, can’t you do something for me?”

The doctor nodded. “Sure.” Quickly, she set his arm back in place.

Nezumi screamed in pain. “Fuck! Ouch, come on, that really hurt! Can’t you give me something for that?  _ You  _ did this to me, you should help me! You’re a doctor, do no harm, right? This is really hurting! Don’t you want to help your patients?”

“I am helping you.” She pulled a sort of sock out of the drawer and pulled it over his injured arm. “Soak the cast, won’t you Jill?” she addressed the nurse.

The nurse hopped to it.

She bound his arm in several layers of gauze before wrapping it in white cast. It did actually feel much better.

“All done. Let it set, then you can go back to bed.”

“You really can’t give me anything for the pain?” Nezumi begged helplessly.

She fished a few aspirin out of a jar in a drawer and handed them to him. “There you go.” She filled a small, conical cup with water and handed it to him.

Scowling, Nezumi took the aspirin. “I don’t know why you don’t believe me.”

“You’re not the first patient I’ve had break bones for drugs.”

“I didn’t-!”

“Doesn’t matter,” she interrupted, holding up a hand. “The point is I can’t give you opiates while you’re in rehab. For now, the aspirin will have to do.” She helped him back into the wheelchair and began to wheel him back to his room.

Nezumi tried one last time. “What if I can’t sleep? Won’t that hurt my rehabilitation more than a little painkiller? What if the pain keeps me up all night and it ruins my health, couldn’t that really hurt me? What if I die under your care?”

“This conversation is over.” They approached the elevator. “You’ll be fine.”

Nezumi gave up, resigning himself to the pain and withdrawal. It was stupid to think they’d give him drugs. It had been a last-ditch effort to avoid the terrible night he had ahead of him, and it hadn’t worked. Time to give up.

“But I really think that if-”

“Nope.”

“You’re not hearing me, I think-”

“Not happening.”

“I’ll pay you double what-”

“Not a chance.”

“I broke my arm!”

“Mhm.”

They continued arguing like this until they got back to Nezumi’s room. There they helped him into bed and walked off without another word.

Nezumi groaned in frustration, smacking the back of his head against the headboard. “Fuck! This! Shit!”

Roman was staring wide-eyed at the wall in front of him. “You… you seeing this shit, man?” He reached out in front of himself like he was watching a 3D movie. “Dude… Did you know that this place is a portal to another dimension?”

“What?” Nezumi asked, annoyed. “What do you mean?”

“You seeing these satanic symbols?”

“No.”

“Yeah, I see ‘em too.”

“I said no.”

“Think we should go through the portal?” He shuddered. “They’re zapping my brain with chemicals.”

“Now you  _ really  _ sound like Shion.”

“I know, I think we should too.” Roman grinned at him, eyes wide and manic.

“What do you think I’m saying?” Nezumi frowned. “Snap out of it, man.”

“It’s all phosphorus, they’re building a gate to a second higher realm. They’re using the chemicals to control me into going and investigating, but I still think we should do it.”

“Say what?”

“The symbols, dude. They’re writing a message through the walls so I’ll go through the gate to the second triple world.”

“You’re not making sense.” Nezumi laid down in bed, giving up on him.

_ “You  _ don’t make sense, man!” He grabbed his eyes. “They’re tugging on my eyeballs to amuse themselves.”

“I take it back, you’re  _ worse  _ than Shion.” Nezumi rubbed the rough cast on his arm and tried not to sigh. “How did you get so bad while I was away?”

“All this shit just showed up!” Roman exclaimed. “I don’t know what to do!”

“It’s just the withdrawal, Roman.” Nezumi halfheartedly explained. “It’s not real.”

_ “You’re  _ not real,” he shot back. His eyes went wide and he looked at Nezumi reproachfully. “You’re not real…”

“I’ve heard that before.” Nezumi gave up and sighed. “I am real.”

“I bet you’re just a hallucination. Oh shit, I’m hallucinating.” Roman stared at his hands, mesmerized.

“Next you’re gonna say you’re in Hell.”

“I’m in Hell?!” Roman shot up out of bed. “What the fuck?!”

Nezumi groaned. “I’m calling a nurse.” He hit his call button.

A few minutes of Roman freaking out later, the nurse arrived.

“What’s the problem now?”

Nezumi nodded at Roman, who was pressed against the wall, staring wildly at everything.

“They’re fucking  _ here,” _ he squeaked, waving his hands in the air. “The symbols!”

The nurse sighed and approached him. “Roman, are you okay?”

“Are you seeing this shit?” He looked at her desperately.

“No, it’s all in your head. Why don’t you go back to bed?”

“I can’t deal with this!” He crouched down on the floor, rocking back and forth.

“I’ll get you a sedative.” She walked out briefly and returned with an injection. Carefully, she swabbed his arm with alcohol and stuck the needle in his arm.

Nezumi’s cravings spiked. Against his will, tears welled up in his eyes and his throat tightened. “Why won’t anyone help me?” he sobbed as Roman’s eyelids drooped and he slid to the floor. “I should just fucking die! I’m such a worthless junkie.”

The nurse looked at him with some sympathy. “I can give you something to help you sleep.”

Nezumi took a shuddering breath, embarrassed by his outburst. “Okay.”

She helped a staggering Roman to his bed and left to go fetch the medication.

Nezumi looked over at Roman. “This fucking sucks, huh?”

Roman moaned.

The nurse returned and handed Nezumi a pill and a cup of water. He took it gratefully, though he wished she could give him an injection like Roman. It would feel good to stick something in his arm.

“Goodnight, boys,” the nurse said as she left.

Roman was muttering to himself. “Nobody… the sky is… fix it.”

“Brains are weird,” Nezumi said aloud. The room was both too cold and too warm simultaneously. He shivered as he curled up tighter under his blanket and closed his eyes. It would be over soon, he told himself. It would only be about a week before the symptoms faded. He was already through the worst, he was out of the woods. Literally. He wasn’t hallucinating anymore, at least, though that was probably due to the methadone more than anything.

It was about fifteen minutes before the sedative kicked in. He felt it begin in a glowing burst of relaxation, pulling his legs down into the bed and calming his shivering. It was then that he recognized the absence of anxiety. Funny, he hadn’t realized how anxious he was until the anxiety was gone. He felt elated, but sleepy. What sort of medication was this? It felt like a benzo. He’d abused benzos in the past, it had been one of his gateways to heroin. Of course, the real kicker had been the hydrocodone he’d taken for pain. Heroin is easy to get addicted to. Surprisingly easy. If you think you can handle it, you’re wrong. He remembered his first shot well. It had been only eight months after he’d taken his first dose of hydrocodone. He would have stopped at nothing to get those pills. Then, his dealer informed him about a “better way.” A cheaper, more effective way to get that high. He’d taken his first shot lying in bed at his apartment, dealer at his side showing him how. It struck hard and threw him into the sky like a catapult. He remembered moaning in pleasure, though in his head he’d been screaming. It was almost too good to handle. It blacked out his vision, leaving him stunned and blind lying in bed for nearly an hour.

It had never been as good since.

All it took was that one shot and he was hooked. Though it had left him sick and shaking the next day, that did nothing to deter him from going back for more. And more. And more.

And now here he was, in rehab. He’d never thought he’d end up here. In the back of his mind, he’d always thought he could do it on his own. He  _ had  _ done it on his own. Of course, that had been when his habit was much less severe, and he’d had an apartment to ride it out in.

Why had he taken that shot at Foster’s? What had possessed him to think he could handle it? Never again. He resolved himself to that. Never again would he go near the stuff. He wouldn’t associate with users, he wouldn’t sell, he wouldn’t even look.

He needed to remember the pain of this withdrawal. He needed to fix it in his mind so he wouldn’t go crawling back.

Exhaustion finally claimed him, and he felt the pull of sleep behind his eyelids. He embraced it, not wanting to stay awake for another moment that he didn’t have to.

Tomorrow would be better. Time would have passed, and the symptoms should be slightly lessened.

He fell asleep with that thought in mind, and slept soundly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They were bombarding his brain with sonic rays. High-pitched tones played at top volume in Shion’s ears, coming from the inside of his head. He could tell they were coming from the inside of his head because covering his ears didn’t help at all. So that meant the sonic rays were attacking his cochlea, which meant it was going through his skull.  
> Voices shouted over the noise. “Fix it! He’s going to die! Hurry!”  
> Panic gripped his heart, and he scrambled to the kitchen, searching for something to stop the attack. Clearly it was a mistake on the part of the programmers, they had broken their machines somehow and it was overloading Shion’s brain. If he didn’t find something to stop it, he was going to die.  
> “What are you doing?! He’s dying! Fix the machine!”  
> Shion shouted over the sound. “Stop it! Fix it, hurry!” He searched frantically for anything metal to block the rays. Under the sink he had a large metal mixing bowl. He grabbed it and put it over his head.  
> Instantly, the sound grew quieter.  
> Shion sighed with relief. “Thank god. Fix the stupid machine, guys!” He begged the programmers. “What else can I do…?”  
> Maybe tinfoil would work. The lessened, but still considerably annoying sound continued in his ears as he searched his disorganized drawers. He found it behind a bunch of office supplies. He picked up some scotch tape as well, and set about creating a protective shield.  
> Once he was done, he braced himself to hear the sound again, and quickly removed the metal bowl, replacing it with the tinfoil hat.  
> The sound stopped entirely.  
> Testing to make sure they hadn’t just fixed the machine, Shion lifted the rim of the hat. The sound immediately picked back up again. He pulled the hat back down over his head and sighed. That was close. He’d nearly died.  
> He was fighting for his life against these attacks on his brain, and nobody seemed able to help him. Nobody seemed to even believe him. He hoped the attack hadn’t done too much damage to his brain. With the way this was repeatedly happening, he was beginning to grow concerned about the long-term effects of this continuous assault.  
> He wished he could contact a doctor to ask this very question, but all the doctors were in on the conspiracy. They’d only replace him with a clone.  
> So instead, he called Inukashi.  
> “Hello, Shion. How’s it going today?” She picked up the phone.  
> “Well, they attacked my brain again.” He sighed. “This time the machine malfunctioned and this horrible noise filled my head. The programmers still haven’t fixed it.”  
> There was a long pause on Inukashi’s side of the phone. “I’m sorry that happened.”  
> “I fixed it with tinfoil.”  
> There was another long pause. “Don’t tell me you’re literally wearing a tinfoil hat.”  
> “I’m not crazy. If you were here you’d understand.” Shion rolled his eyes. Inukashi was nice, but she didn’t get it. “I was just wondering if you thought all this assault was doing permanent damage to my brain. I know you still go to doctors, so I thought you might have the answers.”  
> Inukashi sighed. “No, I don’t think it’s hurting your brain. Don’t worry.”  
> “Oh, good.” Shion smiled. “Thank you.”  
> “No problem.” She sighed again. “Have a good day, okay Shion?”  
> “I will now, thank you. You too.”  
> “And…” Inukashi’s voice shook. “And try to take care of yourself, alright?”  
> “I will.”  
> “Okay.” Inukashi sniffed. “I care about you, alright? I want you to be okay.”  
> “I’ll be fine. I’m getting better at fighting off the attacks.”  
> “Okay. Bye, then.”  
> “Bye bye.” Shion hung up and smiled. He felt better having talked to her. She was always a good person to ask for reassurance from. Maybe he’d go for a walk. Once the machine was fixed, of course. But he was feeling better. Today was going to be a good day.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLLGUIAmg7o&t=137s


	15. Goodnight little house and goodnight mouse

Sitting in the general area, Roman and Shion were comparing notes.

“The symbols meant I could get to another dimension,” Roman explained. “They’re gone now, but it was all last night until they gave me the sedative.”

“That was probably to block your deeper insight,” Shion theorized. “The doctors don’t want you to know the secrets.”

“Yeah, probably.” Roman looked battered. He slid down low on the couch, deep circles under his eyes. He grinned an exhausted, toothless grin. “It’s wild, man. I keep hearing mice in the walls of this place, too. All night.”

“It’s just the meth, psycho.” Nezumi tried again to explain. “You smoked a shitload of meth and now you’re hallucinating coming down.”

“I didn’t smoke meth,” Shion countered. “And I believe him.”

“Yeah, well…” Nezumi shrugged. “You’re just crazy.”

A nurse walked up to them, medications on a rolling cart. “Nezumi.” She handed him a cup with a mixture of pills. One of which was- thank god- methadone.

“Fucking finally!” Nezumi washed down the pills with a gulp of water from the bottle they were making him carry around so he wouldn’t get dehydrated.

Roman and Shion took their meds as well as they continued to babble about the symbols.

Fifteen minutes later, a strange look came over Roman’s face. “Hold on…”

Nezumi grinned. “Did you figure it out?

“Dude, I feel like I’m coming out of a trance.” His expression was hilarious. He looked like he’d been slapped across the face and hadn’t yet processed what had happened. “What the actual hell was that? Was I sleepwalking?”

“It’s okay, I hallucinated too,” Nezumi said, trying desperately not to laugh in his face. “Shion gets it.”

“I live in a different reality.” Shion nodded sagely. “It’s an experience for sure.”

“That was so real!” Roman stared at his hands, turning them over like he was having an existential crisis. “It was so real, yo. I could  _ see  _ that shit! I could feel them bugs all up under my skin.”

“Is this the first time you’ve detoxed?” Nezumi gave up and just laughed at him.

“Yeah!” Roman shook his head slowly, looking stunned. “I’ve been going hardcore for years, this is the first time I’ve quit.”

“Well, welcome to hell.” Nezumi rolled his eyes. “At least it only gets better.” He took a sip from his water bottle, relaxing as the methadone kicked in. “Fuck me, this shit sucks. It’s like needing to sneeze and not quite getting there. Not the high I’m looking for.”

“Does your arm still hurt?” Shion asked.

“No, it’s better now. That was stupid of me. I should have known they wouldn’t give me drugs.” He closed his eyes, leaning back into the couch. “I wonder if-”

“Shion and Nezumi?” An orderly approached them. “You’re wanted in therapy.”

“What both of us?” Nezumi was confused. “We’re not the same group.”

“Special request. I don’t know anything about it.” The orderly gestured them up.

Shion nodded. “Ooh. It’s probably because I talked about you.” He stood.

“You talked about me? To a therapist?” Nezumi tried not to be annoyed. “Why?” He stood to follow Shion out of the room.   
“They wanted to know.” Shion shrugged. “So I told them.”

“What exactly did you say?” Nezumi asked as they walked out into the hall. “Nothing too incriminating, right?”

“Incriminating? You’re already in rehab.” Shion rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, but I was…” He whispered, “An armed robber.”

“Oh yeah.” Shion looked surprised. “I’d forgotten about that.”

“Good. Forget it again.” They approached the therapy room. “I guess we’ll just figure out what this is about.”

The therapist was already waiting behind a desk. She gestured to a couch and they sat down. “So, do you know why I’ve brought you here together?”

“No,” Nezumi said, feeling quite like he was under interrogation. “Are we… I mean, did we do something wrong?”

“Not at all.” She smiled. It looked fake. “I wanted to get to know the two of you a bit better. I think the dynamic of your relationship is an important thing to investigate.”

“The dynamic of our… Why?” Nezumi was annoyed. He didn’t like therapy in the first place, and adding extra sessions just to pry into his and Shion’s… whatever they had together… was just rude.

“I think there might be something here that could be useful in both of your recoveries. Humor me.” She raised an eyebrow at him.

“I don’t mind talking,” Shion said. “I want to get better.”

“That’s a very positive attitude,” the therapist praised. “You could learn something from him.” She looked back at Nezumi.

“Alright.” He gave up, leaning back into the couch. “So what are we supposed to talk about?”

“I just had a few questions. The first one being, what exactly is the nature of your relationship?”

Nezumi laughed. “I dunno, why is that important?”

“He doesn’t like labels,” Shion grumbled.

“Where’d you get that?” Nezumi asked. “I’m fine with labels.”

“You don’t even have a name because it’s too much of a label,” Shion pointed out.

That shut Nezumi up. “Huh.”

“I think I love him more than he loves me,” Shion announced.

“Hey now-” Nezumi protested.

“No, it’s fine,” Shion interrupted. “You’re who you are. I get that.”

Nezumi huffed. “I feel attacked.”

“Nobody’s here to attack you,” the therapist said calmly. “I’m just here to get to the bottom of things. While we’re here, tell me why you broke your arm.”

Nezumi almost told the truth before he caught himself. “I fell on it.”

“Everything here is confidential.” The therapist smiled.

Nezumi narrowed his eyes. “And I said I fell on it.”

“He broke it for drugs,” Shion said, leaning back into the couch with a sigh.

“I will hit you with my cast arm,” Nezumi threatened. “He’s talking out of his ass, he doesn’t know.”

“If you’re not honest, there’s nothing I can do to help you.” The therapist folded her hands over her desk.

“I  _ am  _ being honest,” Nezumi lied. “I can’t be helped if you don’t believe me.”

She was quiet for a long moment. “Okay. Let’s approach this a different way. I’m trying to get you to talk about your relationship to Shion.”

“Yeah, and I don’t know what my arm has to do with it.”

“I think it’s all related. I think your relationship to drugs is unhealthy, and I think your relationship to him needs work in the same way.”

That set Nezumi off. “You think we have a fucking problem? We’re fine, me and him. We’re good. We have nothing to talk about.”

“Why is it you left, Nezumi?” The therapist jotted something down in her book.

“I hate that fucking city! You think I wanna live there, sitting in all that… that trauma?” He tried to keep his voice from shaking. “You think I left because of Shion? Bullshit. He’s the only decent thing to come out of that place.”

“So why did you come back?” She blinked her wide eyes infuriatingly.

“I said I would. So I did.” He shook himself. “What does this have to do with anything?”

“You said you left to avoid the trauma, did you ever think you were putting yourself in more danger by leaving? It’s a harsh world out there.”

“I know it’s a harsh world, I know that. How is my relationship to Shion like my relationship to heroin?”

She hummed, drumming her fingers together. “Let me put it to you that perhaps you’re not actually enough on your own.”

“Excuse me?”

“Perhaps there’s some void that needs to be filled, whether that be with heroin, another person, or any number of violent, dangerous activities. I wonder why you felt you needed to stay and help Shion? Perhaps he’s another dangerous activity for you.”

“Maybe I’m just a good person.”

“So you’re saying you felt pity for him?”

“I’m saying I felt compassion for him. There’s a difference.”

“And you stayed out of that compassion.”

“Yes.” Nezumi folded his arms. “Wouldn’t you?”

“It’s not about me. Let me address Shion for a moment. I wonder what you think about all this?”

Shion didn’t look remotely annoyed. In fact, he was paying rapt attention. “I’m curious how long Nezumi planned on staying in No. 6.”

They both looked at him. Nezumi swallowed roughly. “I… I dunno. I didn’t have a plan.”

“A few days? A week? A month?” Shion looked at him imploringly. “I never expected you to stay forever.”

Nezumi shrugged. “Maybe a week?”

“You’ve been here much longer,” Shion pointed out. “You wanted to fix me? Am I that pitiful to you?”

“Stop using that word,” Nezumi said, annoyed. “I didn’t… I mean, I never…” Maybe they were right. Why was he still here? “I don’t know. You’re… you’re still you. I do love you, you know.” He glared at the therapist. “Can’t that be the reason? Can’t I just be in love?”

“You’re attracted to insanity,” Shion said bluntly. “You like life to be crazy. So you like me, because I’m crazy. You fetishize instability, and you fetishize my schizophrenia.”

“Whoa,” Nezumi defended himself. “That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think? I liked you before you were crazy.”

“And you left me once the insanity of our revolution was over. Will you leave me again when I’m healthy?”

That sat like a weight on Nezumi’s shoulder’s. It compressed his chest with the truth of it all. Yeah, he didn’t plan on staying forever. And yeah, he did plan on leaving when Shion was feeling better. But… wasn’t that just because he was a good person? Was it really that he romanticized their situation?

“That’s the concern I brought to therapy yesterday,” Shion said. “It’s why we’re both here, I think.”

“That’s right,” the therapist confirmed. “It’s an interesting dynamic, and I’d like to explore it further.”

“Does… what does this have to do with rehab?” Nezumi desperately tried to change the subject. “What does it have to do with my heroin addiction?”

“I think if we can get you into a healthy mindset, one that doesn’t, as Shion so aptly put it, fetishize trauma, then I think you’ll be able to get off and stay off the drugs. But it starts here. It starts with honesty.” She pushed her glasses up her nose. “What do you think?”

“I think…” Nezumi didn’t have a witty comeback. “I think this is upsetting.”

“Therapy isn’t meant to coddle your emotions. Quite the opposite.”

“I don’t need that,” Nezumi spat. “Just… I’ve been pretty honest. About how I’m feeling. I’ve told you everything.”

“And how did you break your arm?” the therapist challenged.

Nezumi squinted at her for a long moment before he gave up and sighed. “I broke it for drugs.”

“Did you really think they’d give you opiates?” She scribbled something down in her notebook.

“No.”

“Then why do it?”

Nezumi shrugged. “Heroin makes you irrational.”

“Maybe you were bored.”

_ “Bored?”  _ Nezumi asked incredulously. “Why would I break my arm out of boredom?”

“Because I think your real addiction is to trauma. I think it’s a symptom of your childhood.”

“What do you know about my childhood?” Nezumi shot. “You don’t know anything.”

“I know you’re a survivor of genocide. I know you’re an orphan raised in a chaotic environment full of daily trauma. Doesn’t it make sense that a young, growing brain would normalize all of that and even come to think of it as healthy?”

“How do you know all that about me?” Nezumi scowled.

“I even know your real name. How do you think you were checked in here?” She smiled and it pissed Nezumi off.

“What’s his real name?” Shion asked.

“I won’t say it if he doesn’t want me to,” the therapist replied. “Confidentiality and all that.”

“Good. I don’t want you to.” Nezumi crossed his arms. “So why is Shion here if we’re just talking about me?”

“I think Shion has a similar issue.” She turned to him. “What do you think, Shion?”

“I know I fetishize violence.” Shion shrugged. “In a different way than he does, I think. I think Nezumi likes to be the master of trauma. I think I like to get beaten down by it.”

“And why do you think that is? Why do you enjoy violence?” The therapist smiled at him. Like Shion was her favorite, most compliant patient. It made Nezumi feel sick. “Let’s explore it.”

“I always did. I always liked it when things were chaotic. I liked the idea that I could die at any moment. I found it fascinating. Maybe because of my upbringing in No. 6 during the isolation. Everything was so perfect, I wanted imperfection. And Nezumi’s the best example of perfect imperfection.”

“Interesting perspective. What do you think Nezumi?”

“I think it’s all bullshit.” He narrowed his eyes. “I didn’t ask for this life.”

“Nobody’s saying you asked for it. But childhood trauma can be the cause of certain… fascinations.”

“You’re saying I have a  _ literal  _ fetish for violence,” Nezumi concluded. “I see.”

“It’s an idea I think is worth considering.”

“So what do you suggest I do about it?” Nezumi raised his hands helplessly. “Let’s say you’re right, what am I supposed to do?”

“My advice is to explore it. Indulge it in a healthy way.”

Nezumi sat in silence for a long moment, taking that in. “Do you... want us to experiment with S&M?”

“That’s certainly an option.”

“Hold on-” Nezumi began.

“It’s entirely up to you. But I think it’s an option worth exploring in order to make this relationship a bit more… healthy.”

“You think I’m a sadist?” Nezumi asked incredulously.

“I think you might find greater depth and intimacy between the two of you if you tried.” She didn’t seem uncomfortable at all.

Neither did Shion. “I’m open to new experiences.”

“My god.” Nezumi shook his head slowly. “This isn’t going at all how I expected it to.”

“What did you expect?”

“I expected you both to be more… fastidious and uptight. And I didn’t take Shion for a masochist.”

“You didn’t?” Shion sounded surprised. “Really?”

Nezumi thought about it. “Well, I guess you did always have strange reactions when I attacked you.”

“You held a knife to my neck and I smiled.”

“Yeah…” Nezumi sighed. “I mean… I guess I’m down for whatever.” He looked between the two of them, stunned by the turn this had taken. “And you think this will help with my rehab?”

“I think a healthy sex life is part of a healthy relationship, which can be crucial to recovery.” The therapist closed her book. “That’s all I wanted to talk about today. I’ll leave it up to the two of you what you decide to do about it.”

Nezumi sat still as Shion stood, still too shocked to move. “Rehab is different than I thought.”

“Come on,” Shion helped him up. “It’s almost lunch time.”

“Alright.” Nezumi stalked off after him, leaving the therapist behind. “That was certainly… interesting.”

“What do you think about it?” Shion sounded nervous for the first time. “I- I mean, what do you think about… trying?”

“You really want me to tie you up and fuck you?” Nezumi shook his head, trying to come to terms with that.

Shion looked away. “I’m… not opposed to it.”

“You want to be beaten up. By me. Sexually.” They walked into the main room. “For real?”

“Yeah.” Shion’s voice was quiet. “If you’re into it.”

Suddenly, the reality of that hit Nezumi hard. He scanned Shion up and down, thinking about it. “I mean, obviously I want to do that.”

“Really?” Shion looked up at him, cheeks flushed.

“Like she said, I have a fetish for violence.” Nezumi rolled his eyes.

Shion stopped walking, looking at Nezumi with wide, earnest eyes. He smiled, then leaned in and kissed him quickly. “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Nezumi shrugged that off and strode over to the couch, where Roman was still waiting, watching TV.

“How’d it go?” Roman asked. “You’re back quickly.”

“Well,” Shion said happily, sitting down.

Nezumi sat down next to him. “Yeah.”

“What was it about?” Roman turned down the volume on the TV.

“Our sex life.” Nezumi grumbled, leaning back into the couch.

Roman was quiet for a moment before he gasped. “You two are together!”

“Yeah!” Shion enthused.

Nezumi made a so-so movement with his hand.

“Aw, that’s great you came here together, then!” He laughed, then stopped. “I mean, not great that you had to, but since you had to, good to have each other. Wish my girlfriend was still around. She died about six months ago.” He shook his head violently. “Negative thoughts! Push it down, Roman.” He laughed. “Anyway, strange they wanted to talk about that. Seems irrelevant.”

“That’s what I thought.” Nezumi nodded. “But apparently it’s  _ super  _ relevant.”

“It  _ is  _ relevant.” Shion leaned into Nezumi’s side. “It is. I want you to be happy.”

“I’m…” Nezumi shrugged. “You know.”

“Something else besides drugs can fill the void in your life.”

“We’re not in therapy anymore, Shion. You can stop it.” Nezumi scooted away, annoyed. “I’m happy, alright? Is that what you want to hear?”

“You don’t have to pretend.”

“Apparently I do.” He huffed, frustrated. “Look, it doesn’t matter. Let’s just drop it.”

“Fine. We’ll talk later in private.” Shion looked annoyed.

“Alright then.” Nezumi turned back to the TV. “Turn it up.”

“It’s lunch time,” Roman pointed out. “Don’t you wanna go eat?”

“I will. I need a minute.” Nezumi leaned over his knees to stare pointedly at the TV.

Shion nodded. “I’ll leave you alone.” He stood and walked away, Roman close behind him.

Nezumi sighed once they were gone. He definitely had some things to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karan was preparing a pitcher of lemonade. She’d always liked making lemonade from scratch, rather than purchasing it by the carton from the grocery store. The other residents of Chronos thought it was strange, but she didn’t mind. It was fun to squeeze the lemons and measure out the sugar. It tasted better that way. Shion and Safu were playing outside in the garden, only six years old and already fast friends. Since their acceptance into the gifted program, they’d spent practically no time apart.  
> “Shion! Safu! Lemonade!” she called out to them.  
> The two came dashing in, bouncing on their round little feet.  
> “Momma there’s a ghost in the garden!” Shion announced happily.  
> “No there’s not.” Safu stuck out her hip. “Ghosts aren’t even real. My grandmother told me.”  
> “Yes there is too!” Shion pointed out the door. “Come see!”  
> Karan poured them each a glass of lemonade and followed them outside.  
> “See?” Shion said proudly, pointing into the air.  
> “I don’t see it.” Safu stuck out her tongue.  
> “It’s yellow and squiggly!” Shion explained, gesturing. “You see it?”  
> “I see it,” Karan humored him. “I’m sure it’s friendly.”  
> “It’s going to knock the wall down!” Shion grinned.  
> “Well, that would be very bad of it.” Karan tutted. “We need the wall for protection.”  
> “It told me so!” Shion insisted. “It’s a friendly ghost.”  
> “It’s just pretend, though.” Safu said, sounding doubtful. “Right?”  
> “Yes, it’s just pretend. Don’t worry.” Karan explained lightly. “You’re right, ghosts aren’t real.”  
> “It is real!” Shion scrunched up his face. “I see it! I see the yellow one and the blue one and the green one.” He pointed around the garden. “They’re all here.”  
> “Drink your lemonade, Shion,” Karan encouraged. “I’m sure the ghosts are friendly.”  
> “They’re going to knock the wall down!” He sipped his lemonade with a smile. “And I’m gonna help them.”  
> “We don’t pretend like we’re knocking the wall down, Shion. We have to remember it’s there for an important reason.” Karan felt uncomfortable. “We like the wall.”  
> “Boom!” Shion spilled some of his lemonade as he acted out an explosion. “You’ll see.”  
> “I think it’s time to go inside.” Karan ushered the children in quickly. “Enough of the ghosts for now.”  
> “Okay.” Shion acquiesced. “They live in my night light.”  
> What an active imagination he had. Karan smiled. No wonder he was in the gifted program, he was such a bright young child. Always daydreaming, but he was creative. Someday he’d do something wonderful. Karan just knew it.


	16. Goodnight comb and goodnight brush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, sorry this took so long. Been dealing with some stuff but I'M BACK BITCHES!

As time went on, Nezumi got better. He was gaining weight, he felt healthier, and the cravings were subsiding. Altogether, it took about three weeks. His last few days at rehab were bittersweet. He knew he’d have to leave Shion in their care, but Nezumi was ready to go. All he had left to do was complete the jobs program and find an apartment somewhere.

Shion was withdrawn. He sat in the corner alone, muttering to himself about something Nezumi couldn’t hear. Roman was looking at him pityingly as he and Nezumi tried to figure out what was wrong.

“Think he’s getting worse?” Roman asked.

“I dunno. It’s only two days that he’s been like this. But he’s getting better at showering and brushing his hair, so I don’t know.” Nezumi frowned, flopping down on the couch. “I don’t know what his problem is.”

“We should go talk to him,” Roman suggested.

Nezumi hesitated before walking over, Roman close behind. “Uh… Hey, Shion. So… what the hell?”

Roman tutted. “Dude, that’s not how you do it.” He got down on his knees in front of where Shion sat. “Hey, man. How ya feeling?”

Shion blinked. “How… Nothing.”

“Okay. See, we’re really worried aboutcha over here, ya feel? You seem a little… out of sorts.” Roman smiled. “Wanna tell us what you’re thinking?”

Shion looked up at Nezumi, eyes red and watering. “I have to stay here. And you’re about to leave.”

“Yeah, I’m done.” Nezumi shrugged.

“You’re done with me.” Shion’s lower lip trembled.

“I mean… I’ll visit you eventually,” Nezumi said, scratching around the cast on his arm. “I’ll see you soon.”

“You’re going back to No. 6,” Shion sobbed, covering his face.

Nezumi was uncomfortable with the crying. “Yeah… Well, I’ll just leave you alone to-”

“No way.” Roman stood and grabbed Nezumi’s arm. “Take him with you, asshole.”

“Take him with me?” Nezumi asked incredulously. “To No. 6?”

“Stay in No. 4!” Roman held out his hands like that was the most obvious idea in the world. “You have no citizenship, become a citizen of No. 4 and get it set up so you can check him out of here when you want to!”

Nezumi faltered. “I- uh… How do I do that?” The idea had never occurred to him.

“Are you serious, yo?” Roman shook his head. “Go get married!”

Nezumi’s vision tunneled. “But…”

“Or don’t, I mean it’s your life, but you’re obviously breaking his heart.” Roman folded his arms. “So, up to you.”

“I… I dunno about that.” Anxiety gripped Nezumi’s chest at the suggestion.

Roman hummed. “You know what, I’ll give you the room. Go to our room and talk things out.” Roman helped Shion to his feet and handed him over to Nezumi. “Go.”

In stunned silence, Nezumi led Shion up to his and Roman’s room.

Once the door was closed, Nezumi sighed and sat down on his bed. “So… I know it’s rough for you. Knowing I’m gonna leave while you stay here. But…”

“But you don’t really want me.” Shion nodded. “I know.”

“Why do you think that?” Nezumi asked, annoyed. “Of course I want you.”

“Then touch me!” Shion sniffed, looking at him desperately. “You won’t even touch me, you say you love me but you won’t come near me. I know you like sex, so what’s the problem? I thought you were attracted to crazy? Or is commitment such a turn-off it overcomes that?”

“We just haven’t had a chance since we’ve been here, I don’t think-”

“We’ve had plenty of opportunity. The therapists are practically begging us to do something, but you’re scared for some reason.”

Nezumi just sat there, mouth open and overwhelmed. “You want me to fuck you, I’m happy to do it. I didn’t think-”

“You didn’t think?” Shion shook his head. “You didn’t think what? That I’d want it?”

“You seem so-”

“I’ve been asking you to touch me since you came home!” Shion huffed in frustration and sat down on Roman’s bed, across from Nezumi. “I love you.”

Nezumi didn’t have words. He felt like he’d been electrocuted.

Shion looked away. “If you’re going to leave me, can you at least leave me with some happy memories?”

Nezumi shut his mouth and nodded. “Y-yeah. Come here.”

Shion looked almost surprised. He stood and walked over to Nezumi’s bed, sitting down next to him.

Nezumi looked at him closely, trying to notice everything so he wouldn’t read something wrong. “I do love you.” He put his hand on Shion’s cheek and kissed him deeply. “As much as you love me,” he said when he broke away.

Shion leaned back in to kiss him again, but Nezumi pulled away. “I’ll touch you. But you don’t get to touch me, understand?”

“Huh?”

A slow grin spread across Nezumi’s face and he pushed Shion down onto the bed. “I’m in charge, you don’t get to pick when you’re touched or how you’re touched. Understood?” He didn’t wait for Shion to respond. He pulled off both of their shirts and tossed them to the floor.

Shion lay flat, eyes wide and mouth shut tight.

Nezumi stripped off his hospital pants and turned them over in his hands. “Okay, let’s try this.”

“Wh-what? You mean S&M?”

“I figured we could try some basic things. Isn’t that what you got that therapist to coerce me into?” Nezumi smirked as Shion squirmed.

“We don’t have to-”

“Oh yes we do.” Nezumi ran his unbroken hand down Shion’s thighs, feeling the way he tensed nervously. “Do you know what kind of a sick dream it would be to tie up a mental patient in his own hospital scrubs and fuck him like that?”

Shion flushed, looking up at Nezumi with half-lidded eyes. “I just want you. I don’t care where we are.”

“You want me to dominate you? Pin you down and own you?”

“Yes.” Shion’s eyes fluttered closed as Nezumi ran his hand up and down his pale thighs. “I want you to teach me my place. Show me how much of an idiot and a loser I am.”

“I can do that.” Nezumi slid his hand upwards to take Shion by the hips, spreading his legs apart. He leaned in to kiss along Shion’s collarbone. “Turn over and hold onto the headboard,” he whispered.

Shion opened his mouth like he might want to say something, shut it, and nodded. He did as he was told, and Nezumi quickly tied his hands up with hospital pants.

Shion tugged lightly against the restraints. “Good knots.”

“Yeah, I’m good at this.” Nezumi rubbed his hand along Shion’s back, appreciating the sight before him. “Okay. One second. I think I have…” He stood to rummage through his backpack, leaving Shion tied to the bed.

“Hey…” Shion complained.

“No complaining.” Nezumi snapped. “Shut your mouth and do as you’re told.”

Shion looked momentarily surprised before he nodded and shut up.

“Good boy,” Nezumi praised, returning with a bottle of lotion. “You learn quickly.” He rewarded the compliance by palming Shion through his underwear. He smiled as Shion sighed. “Your job now is to be the most perfect, quiet, obsequious little thing I’ve ever met. You’re going to do what I tell you to, and you’re never going to complain. You only speak when I ask you to, and when you do you will be  _ polite. _ If you understand say thank you.”

It seemed to take Shion a long moment to find his tongue. “Th-thank you.”

“Good.” Nezumi pulled off Shion’s underwear gently. “You seem shocked.”

Shion nodded. “I didn’t expect you to be-”

“I didn’t say you could speak.” Nezumi interrupted him. He tutted. “Looks like you’ve broken a rule already.” He knelt behind Shion and pulled off his own underwear. “What should I do with you?”

Shion wisely stayed quiet.

“I think I should hit you for it. What do you think? You can answer.”

Shion hesitated before answering. “Yes.” His voice was quiet and strained.

Nezumi laid his hand on Shion’s ass, contemplating. “I think so too.” He lifted his hand and brought it back down quickly, leaving a handprint that quickly turned pink.

Shion swallowed a moan, seemingly not sure if he was allowed to make noises.

“I think you liked that, you little freak,” Nezumi laughed. “Do you like being dominated by me? I wonder why? The pretty little rich boy wants to be beaten up and fucked by a street rat like me? Hmm, I wonder what that says about you?” He spread Shion’s cheeks and pressed his cock between them, enjoying the pressure.

Shion moaned at the contact.

Nezumi hit him again without warning. Shion yelped and Nezumi hit him again. “This isn’t about your pleasure, it’s about mine. I’m going to get off first, and only then might I let you come.  _ If  _ you do well. Do you understand?”

Shion stayed quiet.

“Say thank you if you understand.”

“Thank you!”

“Good boy.” Nezumi rocked their hips together. “Alright, let’s fuck.”

Shion shivered, but stayed quiet.

Nezumi squeezed some of the lotion into his free hand and warmed it up. He massaged Shion’s entrance for a moment before sliding a finger inside. He crooked his finger to find Shion’s prostate, and was rewarded with a groan when he found it. Nezumi smiled, removed the finger, and slapped him hard. “You can’t seem to follow orders,” Nezumi said. “You know what all your dirty noises mean to me? They mean I’m just going to fuck you harder. Hit you harder.” He inserted two fingers. “You want me inside you? Slamming my hips against yours until I fill you up to bursting with my cum?” He bit down on his lip, thinking about it. “You’re lucky that’s what I want to.” He pulled his fingers out and positioned himself behind Shion. Carefully, he slid inside. His eyes fluttered shut, feeling the tight and the warm surrounding him.

Slowly, he rocked his hips back and forth, letting Shion get used to the sensation. Only when Shion pushed back against him hard did Nezumi snap out of it and remember his role. His hand came down hard on Shion’s backside, making Shion gasp. He hit him again, trying to regain his composure.

“You don’t choose the speed at which we do this,” Nezumi corrected him. “I do.” He increased his speed until his hips were flying, slamming into Shion’s with an obscene sound.

“How pathetic is it that you’re 26 and I’m the first person ever to do this to you? You were so obsessed with me, but I never felt the same about you. I was off in the forest having sex all the time. You were just sitting at home waiting for me while you slowly lost your mind. Now you can’t even think for yourself so I have to do all your thinking for you.”

Shion whimpered and Nezumi hit him.

“But you could never really think for yourself, could you?” He groaned, climbing higher. “I always had to look out for you, you never could make it on your own. So you let me dominate you and hit you and tell you what to do because you can’t take care of yourself.” Nezumi’s hips jackhammered into Shion, and he came with a loud moan he hoped nobody outside could hear. He continued to fuck Shion slowly, riding out wave after wave of pleasure until he was overstimulated and flaccid.

“Fuck.” He pulled out. “How do you feel? You can answer.”

Shion didn’t say anything, he just pulled against his restraints and moaned.

“You want me to get you off?”

Shion nodded.

“Ask nicely.”

“Please?”

“Please what?”

Shion’s cheeks, already pink, flushed darker. “Please let me cum.”

Nezumi untied Shion’s hands. “Turn around.”

Shion did as he was told. His eyes were closed and his cock was pressed up against his stomach, hard and pulsing.

Nezumi drank the sight in. He reached down and stroked Shion’s cock a few times, enjoying the expression on his face. “You did good.”

Shion opened his eyes, and Nezumi increased his speed.

“You can talk again. This is aftercare. I’ll be nice now.”

“I love you.”

Nezumi grinned. “I guess I did good too, then.” He looked down at Shion’s weeping cock. “Let me suck you off.”

“Okay.”

Nezumi bent down between Shion’s legs and took the hard length into his mouth, sucking gently. It only took a moment before Shion’s breathing became ragged. Nezumi swallowed around Shion’s length, humming quietly.

Shion came with a moan that could rival a porn star as he ran his fingers through Nezumi’s long hair.

Nezumi swallowed and pulled away. Shion leaned in to kiss him gently.

Such love for the boy in front of him filled Nezumi in that moment. He kissed Shion back deeply, heart pounding furiously as he realized what he was about to say.

“Let’s get married.”

“Are you serious?” Shion asked, gaping. “Wh-why?”

“Lots of reasons.” Nezumi shrugged. “I’ll be able to check you out of the hospital, and into it, I’ll get citizenship in No. 6, and then also in No. 4 if I decide to stay… Plus I think…” He trailed off, unable to say it.

“Yeah?” Shion looked at him earnestly.

“I think we make a good team.” Nezumi looked away.

Shion frowned at him doubtfully. “You’re just full of sex hormones and methadone right now.”

“What, do you not want to?” Nezumi looked back up, anxiety thrumming in his veins.

“No, that’s not it. I’d love to. I’m just thinking… This probably isn’t what you want.”

“Why do you say that?” Nezumi sat up, annoyed.

“Look at me. I’m a disaster. Could you really stay with me? Forever?” Shion looked at him seriously. “Think about that, because this isn’t something to do lightly.”

“You think I do anything lightly?” Nezumi said indignantly. “I never take things lightly.”

Shion hesitated. “So… You’re really serious then?”

“Yes!” Nezumi shook his head. “I’m serious.”

“Then…” Shion nodded. “Yeah. Let’s do it. Let’s get married.”

Nezumi grinned. “Okay.” He looked down at their naked bodies. “We should probably get dressed.”

“Yeah.”

They quickly retrieved their clothing and redressed.

Back out in the main hall, Roman was sitting watching TV and waiting for them. “So?” He asked with a smirk on his face. “How’d it go?”

Nezumi flipped him off.

“We’re gonna get married!” Shion enthused, bouncing over to the couch and sitting down beside Roman.

“Hey, congrats buddy.” Roman clapped Shion on the shoulder. He looked over at Nezumi, who sat down on Shion’s other side. “So? How ya feelin’?”

Nezumi shrugged.

“Oh come on!” Roman reached over and shoved him. “Be happy for once.”

“I am happy,” Nezumi said. “I just don’t show it like you.”

“Mhm, whatever.” Roman laughed. “So I get to come to the wedding, right? Since it was my idea?”

Nezumi mouthed the word wedding with disgust.

“Do you even want a wedding?” Shion asked.

“No, I have no need to play princess for a day,” Nezumi explained tiredly. “I’d much rather just sign the documents and be done with it.”

“We don’t have to play princess.” Shion frowned. “But we should have a party.”

“With who?” Nezumi looked at him skeptically. “All your invisible friends? All my dead family?”

“It can be a small party.” Shion shrugged. “Come on, we have to celebrate.”

Nezumi sighed, which Shion took as agreement.

“Alright! Roman, you should come.”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

Nezumi slumped down in his seat as Roman and Shion made plans. Honestly, he  _ was  _ happy. Incredibly so. But did that mean he had to act like an over enthusiastic idiot? He was perfectly content in himself. Things seemed to be going his way, why shouldn’t he be happy? He was getting out of rehab, finally over withdrawal. He was in the healthiest relationship he’d ever had, and he was going to get married to the boy he’d fallen in love with as a teenager. What more could he ask for?

Things were looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time Shion got in trouble with the police was on his birthday. He’d spent the whole day barricading his front door to keep his mother’s clone out, and finally she was gone. Having finally dismantles the makeshift barricade, he decided to go on a walk through the park. That’s when the trouble had started.  
> He got lost the second he stepped out his front door. For some reason, everything outside had been replaced with mirrors, and he couldn’t see. He couldn’t even find his way back inside to avoid the strange phenomenon. With everything reflecting every other thing, matter stopped making sense. Everything seemed disjointed and confusing. Like walking on a foreign planet.  
> Only the people seemed normal. Of course, they were clones, but at least they didn’t look strange.  
> “Um, excuse me…” Shion approached a woman with her child. “Is this right?”  
> “Is what right?”  
> “This?” He gestured around himself. “Does it make sense to you?”  
> She quickly walked away.  
> Shaking that off, Shion approached another person- a man with his dog. “Excuse me, sir?”  
> “No thank you!” He walked away.  
> Shion huffed in frustration. “Why won’t anyone help me?” He tried once more. “Hello?” He waved at a little girl. “Are you able to walk in this?”  
> “What?” She asked, frowning.  
> “Can you make sense of reality right now? Is it just me?”  
> “Huh?”  
> “Do you know… by any chance… where my house is? Things seemed okay in there.” He looked around, but still nothing made sense.  
> “You want me to go to your house?” The little girl asked. “The one you just came out of?”  
> “Yes!” Shion sighed with relief. “Could you show me where it is?”  
> Someone’s hand landed on his shoulder. “Sir, you can’t invite strange children to your house.” It was a police officer.  
> “No, I’m-” Shion groaned, feeling he wasn’t explaining himself properly. “I’m trying to get home, she knows where my house is.”  
> “Run along,” the cop told the little girl. “You don’t know where your house is?”  
> Shion felt like crying he was so lost. “I have no idea. Everything is mirrors.”  
> “Everything is…” A knowing look came into the cop’s eyes. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to hold your hands out to your sides so I can search you for drugs.”  
> “What?” Shion shook his head. “No, no, I need help. I’m not a criminal. I’m just trying to find my house.”  
> “Sir, you’re speaking erratically. Hold your hands out to your sides.”  
> Shion backed away, suddenly certain the cop was with the clone makers. “No. You’re one of them.”  
> “I’m going to count to three-”  
> Shion stumbled away, running into a bush. “No! You won’t replace me!” He hid his face as the cop caught him and frisked him. He kicked out wildly, and suddenly there was a jolt of electricity and every muscle in his body spasmed.  
> He blacked out.  
> He woke up in the local jail, hands cuffed. His mother was there, and the cops were talking to her.  
> “I’m sorry. He’s schizophrenic. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.”  
> “I see. Well, he’s free to go under your custody.”  
> “Thank you officer. Would you… would you mind remembering him? I’m afraid this is going to happen again.”  
> “I’ll put his picture up in the office with the other known mentally ill citizens. We’ll remember him.”  
> “Thank you again.”  
> Since that day, incidents with the cops had gone much smoother for Shion. He went home that day walking ten steps behind his mother all the way, and barricaded the door just in case.


	17. Goodnight nobody, goodnight mush

Honest labor doesn’t pay as well as crime. Nezumi was working in the local botanical garden, tending to the flora. He was also attending night school, trying to get the education he’d missed out on his entire life. With school and work and filling out paperwork for dual citizenship, he was busy all day. He went home at night to a cheap apartment on the edge of town and collapsed into bed alone, clothes still on half the time.

Shion was still in the hospital. He was getting much better, but he still couldn’t make it through the jobs program so he wasn’t permitted to leave without guardianship, and Shion still refused to let Karan come near him.

They had yet to sign a marriage license.

Still, Nezumi tried to visit Shion as often as possible. The poor kid was paranoid Nezumi might run away again, despite the fact he’d promised not to. Usually, he was only able to visit on weekends.

School was terrible. Nezumi didn’t want to go, but it was a requirement of No. 4 if he wanted full citizenship. He had never sat in a classroom before, and it was starting to get to him.

“So when multiple cells are stacked, it creates a stronger electrical charge. This is called wiring in… anyone?” The professor looked around.

“Sequence.” Nezumi answered dully when nobody else did. He knew a lot about engineering, he was particularly adept at robotics. Why in hell he was required to take these basic engineering courses was beyond him. It was so boring he struggled to stay awake.

Still, he persevered. It was worth it to gain citizenship.

He wanted to be an electrical engineer. Seemed like something he’d be good at. Plus, it would pull him out of poverty, which was such a foreign concept he couldn’t even really picture it.

“So when Alessandro Volta created the first battery, this is what he discovered.” The teacher was stacking cells made of bits of household objects. When it all came together, it lit up a small lightbulb.

Nezumi rolled his eyes. He could make batteries in his sleep. He didn’t need this class. The professor droned on about electrons and conductivity while Nezumi zoned out, thinking about Shion.

He really was getting better. They’d finally found a combination of medications that worked decently for him. Whether or not he’d ever be fully better was up in the air, but for now he was seeing progress. He was speaking properly, his hallucinations were lessened, and he was able to focus for an entire thought at a time. His delusions were still a problem, but he was more able to trust Nezumi when he said it was all in his head. Sometimes.

Things were really looking up. Nezumi glanced down at the injection scars on his arm regretfully. Life had been dark up until this point. He felt a lot of regret. It kept him up at night, sweating and breathing roughly. Why had he been so stupid? His whole life had been full of regrettable things, but past age sixteen it had all been his terrible choices. He’d chosen to leave No. 6 as it redeveloped, he’d chosen to become a criminal, and he’d chosen to do drugs. He should have stayed with Shion after the fall. Then none of this would have happened, and he could have been around to help when Shion got sick.

But focussing on the past wouldn’t help. He couldn’t change the past, but he could work to change his future. He needed to complete school so he could support himself honestly in this new life, no matter how boring it may be.

He went home that night frustrated with himself and sick of this honest life. He fished around in his cupboards until he found a bottle of tequila. He drank straight from the bottle, steadfastly ignoring the burn in the back of his throat until he’d swallowed around four shots.

“I’m gonna be stuck here forever,” he announced to his empty apartment. “I’m gonna be working at a career with a family and a house…” He swayed where he stood and took another shot. “Shit.”

With shaking hands he opened a drawer in the bedroom and pulled out a blunt. “Fuck it.” He threw open the window and pulled up a chair. He kicked his shoes off and stuck his feet out the window, lighting the blunt with his favorite zippo. The tobacco hit him first, a calm buzz joining the tequila and making him feel dizzy in a good way. The weed hit second, and sent him spiralling into oblivion.

“I’m calling Shion,” he decided suddenly, tapping on his wristband.

Shion’s smiling face showed up a moment later. “Nezumi! Oh, you’re high. You didn’t relapse did you?” he asked nervously.

Nezumi shook his head. “‘M fine. Just got home from school.” He felt better seeing Shion. “I love you.”

Shion smirked knowingly. “I love you too. Drink some water, okay?”

“Okay.” He sighed. “I dunno if I can do this.”

“Do what?”

“This. Life. I don’t know. It’s so… repetitive.”

Shion was quiet for a long moment. “You thrive in chaos. Now you’re sitting still and the only chaos is inside your own head. That can be difficult.”

“Your head is chaos.” Nezumi pointed out. “How do you do it?”

“Well, I’m in a mental institution,” Shion reminded him. “So I don’t do it very well.”

“Life sucks.”

“Yeah. Don’t know if I can offer much reassurance, I agree with you.”

Nezumi ran his hand down his face. “Fuck. I’m gonna live for such a long time.”

“...Yeah?”

“Yeah. There’s no more danger. I’m gonna live until I’m old. I’m gonna die of natural causes. I never wanted that.” He felt like crying. “I never wanted to live past thirty. Now I’m almost twenty seven probably, and I’m staring sixty more years in the face.”

“You could still get hit by a car.”

“What a pathetic way to go.” Nezumi groaned, frustrated with himself for being so weak. “Ugh. Nevermind. How are you doing?”

“Better.” Shion smiled. “I’m on so much xanax.”

Nezumi laughed. “That’s fun. No more anxiety?”

“Couldn’t be anxious if I tried.” He pouted. “I miss weed though.”

“Here.” Nezumi took a draw and blew smoke at the picture on his wristband.

Shion grinned. “I don’t think it works that way.”

“Worth a shot.” He messed with the wristband. “I hate this thing.”

“How come?”

“I feel like it’s tracking me.”

“It is.” Shion cocked his head. “It tracks you and listens to you and records your data for companies to target advertising at you. I swear that’s not the schizophrenia talking.”

“No, I believe you.” Nezumi waved his hand through the holographic image. “It’s wild.”

Shion was quiet for a long moment. “You don’t have to stay.”

Nezumi blinked. “What… why do you say that?”

“If you’re unhappy, you should go do what makes you happy. If a normal life isn’t for you, then go be abnormal.” He looked away. “I don’t want you to be depressed because of me.”

“It’s not because of you,” Nezumi knee-jerked. “It’s…” Well, maybe it sort of was. When it really came down to it, what was he doing all this for? He was working to go to school to have a career to stay in No. 4 all so he could have a marriage in order to check Shion out of the hospital and take care of him. It was the noble thing, right? It’s what everyone wanted. That was the dream. So why did it feel like a nightmare?

“Yeah.” Shion nodded. “I know.” He sighed. “So… if you need to run away again, that’s okay.”

Nezumi swallowed roughly. “If I run away again I’ll probably relapse and die.”

“Isn’t that what you want?” Shion asked. “To die young?”

“No, not really. I want to die adventuring.”

Shion hesitated. “Then… you should go.”

Nezumi shook his head. “I’m not leaving you.”

“You’re high.”

“But I love you.”

“You’re wasted.”

“I do, though.” Nezumi huffed, frustrated. “I don’t know why you don’t believe me.”

“You don’t know why?” Shion shook his head. “You’re emotionally withholding.”

“Did you learn that in therapy?” Nezumi smirked.

“See?” Shion gestured at him. “Just like that. I’m trying to be serious with you.”

“You’re cute when you’re serious.”

“Are you drunk too?”

“Yeah, duh.” Nezumi rolled his eyes. “It’s seven.”

“That’s not a good reason.”

“You were a stoner for a couple weeks, remember? You’re gonna judge me? Life is hard.” Nezumi narrowed his eyes at him.

“Only if you take it seriously.”

“I thought you wanted me to take you seriously.”

“Me, not life.”

“Whatever.” Nezumi slid lower in his chair, and took a hit from his blunt. “What were we talking about?”

“Why I don’t believe you when you say you love me.”

“You know we’re engaged, right?” Nezumi asked, suddenly doubtful. “You do remember that.”

“I remember. And I guess I know you love me. I just know you love adventuring more.”

Nezumi weighed the two in his head. “I’m not gonna say I don’t love adventuring.”

“And you love heroin more than me.”

“That’s true.” Nezumi grinned. “I love heroin more than anything.”

“And I guess I’m okay with that.” Shion shrugged. “It would be wrong of me to demand to be the most important thing in your life.”

“You are the most important thing in my life.” Nezumi raised an eyebrow. “Heroin isn’t  _ important,  _ it’s just attractive. Adventuring isn’t  _ important,  _ just fun. You’re the only important thing in my life.” He realized this as he said it. “And I’ve met nobody I loved like I love you.”

“Nobody?” Shion sounded doubtful.

“Nobody.”

Shion was quiet for a long moment. “I think we should get a dog.”

“What?” Nezumi laughed. “You change subjects quickly.”

Shion shrugged.

“Why?” Nezumi asked.

“Once we’re married.”

“That didn’t answer my question,” Nezumi pointed out.

“Because I want one.” Shion frowned. “I think we should have a pet together.”

Nezumi thought about it for a moment. “I guess… I can’t see why not.” He shut his eyes, feeling the high and the liquor. “I’m gonna get you out of there, Shion. Soon.”

“What are we waiting for?” Shion asked.

“We’re waiting until I can provide for you. So you don’t have to finish the jobs program.” Nezumi rubbed his eyes. “Once I have a better job, I’ll be able to take care of us both.”

Shion looked sad. “That could be another four years. Until you’re out of school. It’s not fair you work full time and are still poor.”

“That’s No. 4. It’s not as socialist as No. 6.”

“I don’t want you to go back to No. 6. I’ll never see you.”

“Trust me, I don’t want that either.” Nezumi took another hit.

“I think we should get married tomorrow.” Shion said after a brief pause.

“Ya think?” Nezumi smirked. “How come?”

“Because I’m bored in here!” Shion protested. “I want to visit you at your apartment!”

Nezumi leaned back in his chair, letting the substances take him higher. “I think… we should buy a house and have a baby and get an RV and travel the country.”

Shion made a face.

“What’s that?” Nezumi squinted at him.

“RV…” Shion mused. “Let’s get an RV.”

“I was joking,” Nezumi said. “We can’t afford that.”

“Sure we can.” Shion said, perking up. “If we live in it full time.”

“You want to travel full time in an RV?” Nezumi asked doubtfully. “Why?”

“Because I want you to be not stuck. Let’s travel together. Let’s get married and travel together.”

“You know I work, right?” Nezumi reminded him. “I can’t exactly just leave.”

“Be a drug dealer.” Shion said. “Or whatever you want. Don’t live this life if you don’t want it, but take me with you this time.”

Nezumi thought about it. “I’m getting my life on track.”

“On whose track?”

It was like the light had been flipped on. Nezumi’s brain ground back into gear, and he began to think again. “I could be a drug dealer.”

“Makes a lot of money. I could help.” Shion smiled.

“Yeah…” Nezumi had that feeling in his gut that told him this was either a very good or a very bad idea. “Let’s do it.”

Shion grinned. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Nezumi smiled. “I’ll be there tomorrow.”

“To get married?” Shion lit up.

Nezumi hesitated. “You know what, sure. Let’s do it.”

Shion covered the camera for a moment. When he came back, his eyes were watery. “Okay!”

Nezumi’s heart melted. He really did love that weirdo. “You have to tell your mom.”

Shion hesitated. “But-”

“Nope, no arguing over this. She needs to know. Tell her over the phone, how could that hurt you?”

Shion nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

They hung up.

Nezumi finished off his blunt and extinguished the butt on the windowsill. He felt good. He could make this life work. He could make it happen.

Dizzily, he stood and walked to the bathroom to wash up for bed. He turned on the shower and stripped out of his clothes, thinking deeply. What would it be like to travel with Shion? What would it be like to travel again at all? Especially now that he was clean. He’d have to start saving up money for his initial investment in their business. He’d have to contact all his old friends and get the stuff flowing. Set himself up as their main plug again. He let the warm water hit his back and he sighed. It would be good to get out of this depressing apartment. It would be good to get back to doing what he did best. Bad things.

When he laid down in bed, he was happy for the first time in a long time, and that must mean he was doing something right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression is the worst thing that can happen to you. Shion sat in the park on a bench, staring dully out in front of himself, picturing all the ways he could off himself in that moment. He could run into traffic. He could jump off that bridge. He could threaten those cops. He could go home and drink bleach, or slice his wrists.  
> He wanted to die like someone crawling through the desert wants water. He wanted to die in an overwhelming, all-consuming sort of way. Nothing was fun anymore. Nothing was good, nothing made him smile, and no one knew.  
> A tugging sort of pain gripped his chest and pulled his head low. He was too young to be so sad. He was only fifteen, and teenage years weren’t treating him well.  
> “Hey Shion!” Safu bounced over and sat down next to him.  
> Shion quickly adjusted his expression so she wouldn’t see what he was feeling. “Hey Safu.”  
> She looked at him oddly. “Are you feeling okay?”  
> “Feeling great,” Shion lied. “Although I didn’t get much sleep last night.”  
> She frowned. “You seem sad.”  
> “I’m not.” Shion laughed to prove it. “Are you feeling okay?”  
> “I’m very good at reading people’s emotions, you know.” She squinted at him. “You don’t seem like yourself.”  
> “I’m fine.” Shion shrugged like she was the crazy one. “Who wouldn’t be fine in No. 6?”  
> “That’s right,” an old woman said, walking over to them. “What a beautiful city, we’re so fortunate to live here.”  
> “He seems sad,” Safu said, frowning.  
> “But what could you have to be sad about young one?” the old woman asked. “What a perfect life we have in the Holy City.”  
> “I have nothing to be sad about,” Shion insisted. It was true. He didn’t. In a city as perfect and utopian as this one, what could be making him feel blue? “I’m very fortunate to live here,” he repeated the tired old line. This seemed to satisfy the old woman.  
> “Very good. So keep your chin up!” She strolled away.  
> “You do seem sad, though, Shion,” Safu persisted.  
> “Just drop it!” Shion finally snapped.  
> Safu seemed happy about this. “I knew it. What’s wrong?”  
> “Nothing’s wrong, I just… I just don’t feel great today, alright?” He crossed his arms, annoyed.  
> “Fine, I just don’t like when you hide things from me.”  
> “Okay,” Shion said just to shut her up. “I’m sorry.”  
> “Let’s go see a movie.” She took his hand and pulled him up.  
> Shion gently pulled his hand away. “Okay.”  
> They walked together all the way, Shion trying to smile when appropriate.  
> He really shouldn’t have this much trouble feeling happy.


	18. And goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush”

After work, Nezumi quickly cleaned up at home before making his way over to the hospital. They needed to have a nurse come with them to the courthouse, because Shion wasn’t allowed outside without permission. It was a mess of bureaucracy in No. 4, and most of the restrictions were due to the fact that Shion wasn’t a citizen. He was technically a ward of No. 6, and No. 6 had granted custody to No. 4. That meant his signatory rights and autonomy were fairly limited. However, all that could change if he married Nezumi. Nezumi would take guardianship, and Shion would be allowed to leave the hospital under his supervision. Actually, it meant he could leave the hospital entirely if he wanted to, but Nezumi wasn’t sure he felt completely ready for that. Shion was still delusional, and the hospital was the best place for him.

“Nezumi!” Shion cried out when he saw him, dashing over and wrapping Nezumi in a tight hug. “You’re here!”

“I’m here.” Nezumi hugged him back awkwardly. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah!” He wasn’t wearing his usual hospital scrubs, but the outfit he’d been wearing when they checked him in. Laundered, of course, since he’d worn it hiking for two weeks through the forest.

“Alright, let’s grab a nurse and go.”

Shion clung to Nezumi’s arm. “Okay!” He was incredibly energetic, bouncing with each step as they made their way to the nurse’s station.

The nurses seemed happy to see Shion. “Are you ready?” one woman in blue scrubs asked.

“Yes!” Shion squeezed Nezumi’s arm tighter. “Can we go now?”

“After you.” The nurse gestured him toward the doors.

Shion practically dragged Nezumi along in his excitement. He dashed out the doors and over to the car station, where he pressed a button on his wristband to call one of the self-driving vehicles.

The nurse trotted out behind them, tears in her eyes. “I’m so excited for the two of you. Two of our residents, off to get  _ married.”  _ She wiped her eyes as a car pulled up. “After this you won’t need me anymore.”

They all got in, and Shion curled tightly against Nezumi in the back seat. It took off in the direction the nurse programmed, and that’s when it all suddenly felt real.

Nezumi took a few deep breaths, trying to remind himself why he was doing this. It was just a piece of paper, after all. Just a practical thing to do since the government of No. 4 was holding Shion hostage. It was the right thing to do. So why was he so scared? It’s not like anything would change between them. They’d known each other a very long time, this was the right call.

It had to be.

They arrived at the courthouse a few minutes later. It wasn’t very far from the hospital, Nezumi probably would have just walked if it had been up to him. Inside was smaller than Nezumi expected. In his mind, the place had been huge and intimidating, but it just looked like a regular office building. The nurse led them to a small room where an elderly man sat behind a computer.

“We’re here for a marriage license,” the nurse said as the man stared at her over his glasses.

“For who?” the man barked.

“Us two!” Shion pulled Nezumi forward.

“Let me scan your wristbands.” He held out a scanning device in his shaky hand.

Nervously, Nezumi held out his wrist. The man scanned it and nodded. Shion went next.

“Okay, it’s printing.” An ancient printer whirred to life, printing out the marriage license.

Nezumi watched it anxiously. This was really happening. In just a moment he’d be asked to sign and then that was that. The ceremony would be complete.

“Sign here.” The man handed them the paper on a clipboard and a pen.

Shion signed first, not a second of hesitation.

Nezumi signed next, and that was it. They were married.

Before he knew what was happening, Shion pulled him in and kissed him firmly. “I love you,” he said, gripping Nezumi’s hands.

“I love you too,” Nezumi said numbly, shocked by everything that had just happened. He was married. Really, truly married.

The nurse was crying. She dabbed at her eyes uselessly with her sleeve as tears poured down her face.

“You can check me out of the hospital now.” Shion said excitedly.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Nezumi asked.

“I want to spend our wedding night with you at your apartment,” Shion said indignantly.

“Okay.” Nezumi shrugged. “Whatever you want.”

They thanked the marriage officiate and left the building. Back at the hospital, it seemed like the entire nursing staff was waiting to see them. They applauded when Shion and Nezumi walked through the door.

Shion looked overjoyed. Nezumi was overwhelmed.

There was a flurry of movement, and forms on a clipboard were shoved into Nezumi’s hands along with a pen.

“Just sign right here,” one nurse said.

“What is this?” Nezumi scanned the paper.

“My sign-out papers!” Shion bounced. “I get to leave!”

“We brought all your stuff from your room, Shion,” another nurse handed him a bag.

“Thank you!” Shion took it happily. “Ready to go, Nezumi?”

He signed the form.

Shion hugged every single nurse present, thanking them for their work. Nezumi just stood awkwardly, not sure what to do.

When they were finally able to leave, Shion could barely contain his excitement.

“It’s gonna be so nice to finally get out of here! I get to be with you, I get to eat not hospital food, I get to walk around unsupervised… It’s gonna be great.”

Nezumi was nervous. “If you feel like you can’t handle it, just let me know and you can come right back.”

“Oh, I know.” Shion waved Nezumi’s concerns away. “I’ll be fine. I haven’t even hallucinated all day!”

They called a car and set off. Nezumi’s apartment wasn’t too far from the hospital, so it didn’t take that long. Shion bounced the whole way there, babbling about all the things he was excited to do.

“I wanna pick what we watch on TV, I wanna eat dinner as late as I feel like, I wanna curl up against you on the couch without being stared at, I wanna…” he went on and on.

They passed an old woman on the stairs up to the apartment. She stared at them like they were some sort of spectacle. Nezumi glared at her while Shion remained oblivious.

Finally indoors and away from people, Nezumi relaxed. Thing were good, he shouldn’t be stressed. Life was coming together.

Shion’s attitude also changed suddenly the moment the door was locked. He turned towards Nezumi, lowering his eyelids and coming in close. “We’ve never touched both sober and sane.” He cocked his head slightly. “I wanna try something.”

Nezumi nodded distractedly ash Shion slid his hands under Nezumi’s shirt. “Whatever you want.”

Shion pulled his hands away and began to strip out of his own clothes. “Get undressed,” he commanded.

Raising an eyebrow, Nezumi did as he was told.

The two of them stood, naked in their living room, staring at each other. Shion stepped closer slowly, running his hands up Nezumi’s stomach.

The muscles of Nezumi’s abdomen clenched at the feather-light touch. He watched Shion carefully, wondering where this was going.

“Don’t kiss me,” Shion said as he leaned in so their lips were nearly touching. Nezumi could feel his breath on his cheek as he closed his eyes, letting Shion take control of the situation.

Shion slid his hands around Nezumi’s waist, pulling him close until their naked bodies were flush against each other, embracing. “I’m so in love with you,” Shion said softly.

The way he said it hit Nezumi hard. His breath caught in his throat, and he felt tears spring to his eyes. He hugged Shion tighter, unable to speak.

Shion seemed to get the message anyway. He rubbed Nezumi’s back as they stood there in silence, feeling each other's presence.

Nezumi was overwhelmed. He’d never been touched in quite this way before. It felt natural, human. Both romantic and sexual at the same time. They were both erect, though not necessarily seeking orgasm. Strange.

Shion nuzzled the side of Nezumi’s neck with his nose. “I respect you a lot. I hope you know that.”

Again, Nezumi couldn’t speak. He was tongue-tied. He threaded his fingers through Shion’s hair, turning his face so that they were cheek-to-cheek.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Wherever you go, that’s home for me.” He carefully untied the knot in Nezumi’s hair, letting it cascade down his back. He smiled, pressing their foreheads together. “Let’s let go of the past together and make a new future.” He ran his fingers lightly across the back of Nezumi’s neck. “And I don’t wanna fuck tonight. I wanna make love.”

A chill ran down Nezumi’s spine and he found his voice again. “Let’s go to bed.”

Shion grinned. “Yeah.”

Hand in hand, they made their way to the bedroom. Shion laid down with his head on the pillows. Gazing up at Nezumi through hooded eyes.

And suddenly, Nezumi was nervous. This was brand new territory for him. Romance and sex didn’t usually mix, and he wasn’t sure how to feel.

Shion looked at him curiously and sat up. “I have a better idea. Lay down.”

Nezumi swallowed roughly and nodded, doing as he was told.

Shion sat next to him and ran his hand gently down Nezumi’s stomach. Smiling, he leaned in and kissed Nezumi gently on the lips. “I think this might be more my game than yours.”

Nezumi nodded, agreeing fully. While his sexual encounters were definitely more numerous than Shion’s, he’d never been in a relationship like this where romance was involved. It seemed that was something that came naturally to Shion while eluding Nezumi almost completely. He felt a little lost.

“Just let me touch you.” Shion slid his hands gently down Nezumi’s sides.

Nezumi closed his eyes and let sensation take over as Shion’s hand wrapped around his cock and pumped a few times, slow and steady. With his other hand, he reached down between Nezumi’s buttocks, rubbing his perineum firmly.

Nezumi inhaled sharply, and Shion leaned in to kiss him again. His tongue prodded at Nezumi’s lower lip, and they opened their mouths to deepen the kiss.

Barely moments later, Shion pulled away to kiss along Nezumi’s jaw and up to his ears, where he nipped lightly.

Nezumi’s entire body felt activated. He was also acutely self-conscious, and absolutely unsure of what he was supposed to be doing. He felt like an inept virgin, losing himself in touches he didn’t know how to react to. Slowly, he became aware of the whimpering sounds coming out of his own mouth.

Shion leaned his body into Nezumi’s, a calming pressure Nezumi hadn’t realized he needed. “Shh…” Shion calmed him, pressing their hips together. “Just feel me, love.”

Unused to being addressed as such, but not at all opposed to it, Nezumi submitted completely. He’d never in his life felt so terrified, yet so safe. His cock pulsed and wept as Shion rolled their hips together, gripping their members in his hand.

Shion massaged Nezumi’s entrance gently, watching his eyes carefully. “Do you feel okay?”

Nezumi swallowed and nodded. “Hold on.” He reached over to his bedside table and opened the drawer, pulling out a bottle of lubricating oil.

Shion took it from him, looking mildly surprised. “Are you sure?”

Nezumi nodded again, shutting his eyes. “Please.”

Shion stared at him for a moment before putting some of the oil in the palm of his hand. He rubbed his hands together and resumed massaging Nezumi’s entrance. Carefully, he slid one finger inside, crooking it to find Nezumi’s prostate.

Nezumi gasped, arching his back and moaning. “Ahh…”

Shion pumped his member a few times, smiling gently. “You’re so beautiful.” He inserted another finger, moving in and out at a maddeningly slow pace. He scissored his fingers, gently stretching Nezumi’s hole until he was soft and pliant.

Shion leaned in to kiss Nezumi softly. “Ready?”

Nezumi nodded, holding his eye contact as Shion withdrew his fingers and pressed the head of his cock against Nezumi’s entrance. He rubbed it in small circles, teasing.

“I wanna make you feel special.”

Nezumi reached up to run his thumb along the scar on Shion’s cheek. “You do.”

Shion bit down on his lower lip and pressed into Nezumi until he was fully seated. He was breathing heavily, eyes closed.

Nezumi thought he looked like heaven.

Shion blinked his eyes open and gazed lovingly at Nezumi, hips pressed firmly against Nezumi’s buttocks. “You feel so good.”

Nezumi could barely breathe. Here he was, caught between romance and sex, fully vulnerable to the only person on Earth he’d trust to touch him this way.

Shion rolled his hips and sudden tears sprung to Nezumi’s eyes.

Shion looked at him carefully. “Okay?”

Nezumi nodded, fighting back the water in his eyes. “I just love you.”

Slowly, Shion smiled. “Oh, good.” He ran his thumb under one of Nezumi’s eyes. “It’s okay to cry.” He ran his hands down Nezumi’s sides, rolling his hips a few times gently. He took Nezumi’s cock in hand and pumped it in time with the movement.

Everything was so overwhelming. The feeling of being full, of being loved, of being touched… Nezumi gasped and shut his eyes as he struggled not to cry. The continuous onslaught of sensation broke down his barriers. Shion pumped in and out of him, stroking his weeping cock and running his other hand with feather-light touches all over Nezumi’s body. It was overstimulation. Nezumi couldn’t think. He breathed in and out shortly until he was gasping for air, unsure who he even was.

“Ahh, Nezumi…” Shion moaned, shutting his eyes and picking up the pace.

“Izumi,” Nezumi corrected.

“What?” Shion opened his eyes, looking at Nezumi sharply.

“My real name. Say it.”

“Izumi,” Shion repeated, looking stunned.  _ “Izumi.” _

Hearing that broke Nezumi down. Tears sprung from his eyes, and he sobbed as he came.

Shion pumped a few more times and fell over the edge as well, Nezumi’s real name on his lips.

Shion held him as he cried, unable to stop himself. How embarrassing, yet cathartic. Shion kissed his cheeks as tears dampened them, whispering his real name over and over.

When he was finally able to calm down, Nezumi looked at Shion seriously. “You can’t call me that in public. It’s between us, okay?”

Shion nodded mutely.

“I just thought… I wanted you to know. So that’s my name.”

Shion beamed, teary-eyed himself. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Nezumi smiled back. “Nice to meet you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Numb to the world, Izumi crawled forwards on his hands and knees, feeling his way through the darkness. The image of his grandmother stabbing that man ran through his mind over and over, clear as a movie. The sound of her being shot in response played in his ears at a deafening volume.  
> He stopped moving, nauseous. He knew it was right to kill the people of No. 6, that’s what his grandmother had taught him. Still, seeing the blood of his grandmother pool with the blood of that man… their blood looked the same. Almost like he had been human.  
> No. He couldn’t let himself think that way. Especially now. Now, it was all on his shoulders. He needed to destroy No. 6 and avenge his grandmother’s death. That was his responsibility. And to do that he needed to keep moving. He needed to stay alive. For hours, he crawled, searching for any spot of light. His eyes were blacked. No light could be seen.  
> The eerie silence was broken some time later by the sound of a deep, booming voice. “Who do I hear in the caverns?”  
> Izumi froze, not sure what to do. Was the voice friend or foe? Either way, there wasn’t much to be done. He would surely die in these caves without guidance or help. His knees and palms were already torn to shreds from the sharp, rocky floor. “Kochira!” he called out in his native tongue.  
> “Do I hear a Mao child?” the same voice replied.  
> Izumi knew very little of the common language. In a heavily accented voice, he cried out, “Hello?”  
> Suddenly, hands were around his waist, and he was lifted from the floor. He screamed, and it echoed off the walls. A hand was placed over his mouth, stifling the noise.  
> He was taken down a path, and suddenly there was light.  
> A man with white hair and no legs was sitting on a platform. “Ah, yes. A Mao child. I’m surprised you’re alive, little one.”  
> Izumi only caught the word Mao. “Tasukete kudasai…” he begged for help. The hands holding him set him down before the man with no legs. “Tasukete.”  
> “I’m afraid I can’t speak your language very well. You’re going to have to learn to speak properly if you want to stay here.” The man looked at Izumi seriously. “What’s your name, little one?”  
> Izumi stared at him blankly.  
> The man appeared to think for a moment. “O namae?”  
> Izumi flooded with relief. “Izumi de gozaru!” he introduced himself.  
> “Izumi,” the man repeated. “More like Nezumi, what with your crawling around in the caverns like a rat.”  
> Izumi frowned, only understanding the one Mao word. “Nezumi?” he asked, confused.  
> “How old are you, Nezumi?” the man with no legs asked. “Nan sai?”  
> “Hassai!” Izumi replied. Eight years old.  
> “I think that means eight,” the man said musingly. “It’s been years since I spoke Mao.” He waved his pale hand. “Take him to the school with the other children. He’ll learn to speak soon enough.”  
> The one who had picked him up before picked him up again and carried him away.  
> That was the last time in a long time anyone would say Izumi’s true name.


	19. Goodnight stars, goodnight air

Six months later and seven months clean, Nezumi rolled up to his apartment in an astro van. It wasn’t self driving, No. 4 didn’t yet have restrictions against human-driven cars. Shion was standing outside the apartment building with a backpack, smiling excitedly.

Nezumi rolled down the window and gestured for Shion to get inside. “Ready to go?”

Shion hopped in the passenger’s seat, looking into the back, where they’d converted the seats into a camper bed. “This is exciting.”

Nezumi grinned, and leaned over to kiss Shion briefly on the lips. “Yeah. Let’s go pick up our merchandise.”

“Okay.”

They drove for around an hour and a half to get to the edge of the island of No. 4. There, a small boat was waiting for them, docked in the harbor.

“Nezumi, good to see you.” Foster grinned. “Been a while.”

“Good to see you too, Foster.” Nezumi shook his hand. “Ready to do business?”

“Yup.” Foster opened a hatch in his boat. “Can’t believe you went to rehab, man. Feeling better?”

“Nope.” Nezumi laughed. “I felt better on heroin, of course. But I do feel healthier. And I guess that’s something.”

“Yeah, fo sho.” Foster pulled out a bag of marijuana so large he struggled with it. “Alrighty, one pound of pot.” He set it on the dock, where Shion took it and quickly moved it back to their van. Foster pulled out another large bag. “A pound of shrooms… You two must really be confident in your ability to sell.”

“We are,” Nezumi said as Shion returned and took the mushrooms to the van as well. “We got good connections.”

Foster shook his head, laughing as he pulled out a manilla folder. “Ten sheets of LSD, 100 tabs per sheet, 300 micrograms per tab. The good stuff.” Nezumi took the folder and handed it to Shion, who jogged to bring it back to the van.

“That’s it, I believe,” Nezumi said, crossing his arms.

“Yep, that’s it.” Foster shook his head. “That’s the most drugs I’ve ever sold in one sitting.”

“Prepare for more, because I can sell all this in a few weeks.” Nezumi looked back at Shion, who was jogging up to meet them.

Foster nodded at Shion. “From lawmaker to lawbreaker, huh Shion?”

“I was a terrorist first,” Shion reminded him. “Bombs and everything.”

“That you were. And I thank you for that.” Foster bowed. “Anyway, men. Time for me to be heading back to No. 6. Give me a call when you need more supplies.”

“Roger.” Nezumi waved. “Let’s go, Shion.”

Shion bounced along after him into the truck. Nezumi smiled to himself as he drove off the road and into a clearing of trees.

“What are you doing?” Shion asked, looking around.

“Testing the product.” Nezumi climbed into the back and sat down on the bed.

“You’re joking. You’re clean.” Shion climbed after him.

“Mushrooms won’t hurt.” Nezumi opened the large, pound bag. “Just a taste. You’ve never done psychedelics before.”

“My brain is a psychedelic,” Shion reminded him. “Are you sure it will be good for me?”

“No.” Nezumi shrugged. “But let’s do it anyway.”

“Okay.” Shion scooted over to sit next to him. “I trust you.”

“You shouldn’t,” Nezumi laughed. “But I’m glad you do. Here.” He handed Shion a palmful of mushrooms. “That should do it.”

“Is this a lot?” Shion asked nervously.

“Yeah. But you’re on antipsychotics, so it has to be a lot.” He took a palmful for himself. “And I’m just good at it, so it has to be a lot for me.” He fished around for a can of soda from their icebox. “Wash it down with this.” He took a deep breath before proceeding to eat his dose of mushrooms.

Shion did the same, and they washed it down with soda. “How long?” Shion asked.

“Forty minutes? An hour?” Nezumi shrugged. “Depends, really.”

Shion stared in silence at their giant stash for a long moment. “You’re a drug lord,” he said when he finally spoke.

“Mhm,” Nezumi replied proudly. “Better than what I was doing, huh?”

Shion nodded, looking at him through hooded eyes. “That’s really hot.”

“Oh, really?” Nezumi asked, interested. “You like danger?”

Shion nodded again, biting his lower lip. “And you’re dangerous.” He glanced back at the piles of drugs. “There’s so much.”

Nezumi smirked, moving in close to Shion and running his fingers through his hair. “You like that I’m a degenerate?”

Shion shuddered, turning his face to kiss Nezumi’s palm. “My mouth is coated with psilocybin. What do you think would happen if I sucked your dick?”

Nezumi swallowed roughly. “Fuck.”

“On top of a pile of psychedelic drugs.” Shion’s cheeks were flushed.

“You’re getting much more bold,” Nezumi quipped.

“It’s only because I’m so turned on by you.”

“You’re getting better at dirty talk too.”

“It’s just the truth.” Shion shrugged. “So what do you think?”

“Think?” Nezumi’s head was spinning.

“Can I suck you off?” Shion leaned in closer and ran his tongue along Nezumi’s lower lip.

“Oh my god, you’re so fucking sexy right now, you don’t even know.” He laughed, pulling Shion in for a hug. “I love you so much.”

“Is that a yes?” Shion asked, hugging him back.

“Are you kidding? Of course.” Nezumi shook his head. “Am I dreaming right now? I’ve had this dream.” He looked around himself, honestly not sure. “I’m in the back of a van surrounded by drugs and you’re asking to suck my dick. This is fantasy.”

Shion pinched him. “Nope.”

“In which case I can die happy.” Nezumi propped himself up against the bags of drugs. “Do your thing, you sexy little psycho.”

Shion grinned. “Okay.” He unzipped Nezumi’s pants and pulled them off.

Without any further warning, he took Nezumi into his mouth and sucked hard. He slid his head back and rolled his tongue around the head, letting his mouth fill with saliva.

“Jesus,” Nezumi cried out, not expecting such a forward move right away.

“Okay?” Shion asked, pulling away.

“Yeah. Good. Keep going.” Nezumi ran his fingers through Shion’s hair.

“Mm…” Shion hummed, sending vibrations up Nezumi’s cock straight to his head.

It didn’t take long before they found a rhythm and Shion was bobbing his head in time with Nezumi’s whispered moans.

“Oh shit, yeah, right there. Keep going. Just like that.”

Moments later Nezumi had reached his limit. He tapped Shion’s head. “I’m close.”

“Mhm,” Shion said as he kept going.

“Ohh my god…” Nezumi sighed as he came. “You’re so fucking good at that.”

Shion pulled away and grinned. “Just takes enthusiasm.”

“You’ve got that in spades.” Nezumi rubbed his face, flustered. “Goddamn.” He shook himself. “Okay, your turn.”

“Hold on, wait until the mushrooms kick in.” Shion stopped him.

“Oh  _ good  _ idea.” Nezumi looked at Shion fondly. “You’re so cool.”

They curled up together, closing their eyes for a quick nap.

“Will we wake up?” Shion asked.

“Oh yeah. For sure.” Nezumi reassured him.

They did. Forty minutes later, a glowing feeling blurred Nezumi’s thoughts. He sat up in bed, smiling like a maniac.

“Shion.” He shoved him awake.

“Mm?” Shion sat up blearily. “Ohh…” He looked around himself, amazed. “This is great.”

“Come here.” Nezumi pulled him forward into a kiss. He felt like butter, smooth and delicious. “I love you  _ so  _ much. I’m glad I married you.”

“Yeah,” Shion said dreamily, kissing back. “Let’s make a baby.”

“How about I suck you off instead?” Nezumi laughed. “I’m not ready for children.”

“Oh wow.” Shion nodded. “Uh huh.” He stared off at some point in space Nezumi couldn’t find.

“What are you looking at?”

“Friendly demons,” Shion replied with a smile.

“Hm?”

“They’re happy this time.”

“Uh oh.” Nezumi looked around, as if the demons Shion was talking about might actually be real. “Are you hallucinating?”

“Duh.” Shion laughed. “I’m a schizophrenic and I took psychedelics. Aren’t you hallucinating?”

“No.”

“Oh.” Shion looked momentarily concerned. “Well, I am.” He shrugged it off. “What were we doing?”

Nezumi briefly struggled to recall. “Um… having sex?”

“Oh yeah.” Shion nodded sagely. “Wow, my memory is bad.”

“It’s just the drugs,” Nezumi assured him. “You’re fine.”

“I’m more than fine. I’m great. I want to go outside.” He crawled over to the back door of the van, and that’s when Nezumi remembered they were both naked.

“Hold up, put your clothes on.” He threw Shion’s shirt at him.

“Why?” Shion stared at the shirt blankly. “Nobody’s around.”

“Somebody might come around, then you’d be in trouble.”

“Clothes are dumb.” He frowned. “Wait… why am I naked?”

“We were having sex.”

“Oh yeah!” Shion crawled back to him. “Let’s do that.” He laughed. “My memory is so bad!”

“It’s just the drugs,” Nezumi reminded him. “You’re fine.”

“Fine? I’m great. Let’s go outside.”

“Shion…” Nezumi shook his head. “We’ve had this conversation.”

“What?” Shion picked up his shirt and pulled it over his head. “Man, everything is just awesome.” He crawled over to the door. “Let’s go outside!”

“Put your pants on,” Nezumi called out, throwing them at Shion.

“Ugh, why?”

“Because there might be people. And you have a shirt on, so that would look pretty strange.” Nezumi leaned into the back of the front seat, smirking to himself. “Do you remember what you’re doing?”

Shion shook his head. “Why are my pants off in the first place?”

“We were having sex!”

“Oh yeah!” Shion crawled back. “Let’s do that.” He took off his shirt. “I can’t believe I forgot.” He stared off into the distance. “Wow…”

“Hm?” Nezumi tried to follow his eye gaze. “What are you looking at?”

“All the colors.” He gasped, grinning. “I want to go outside!”

Nezumi rubbed his face, not sure how to deal with this. “Shion…” They were both so fucked up, Nezumi wasn’t sure there was much he could do to help. “I guess… put your clothes on.”

Shion sighed. “Fine.” He made a face. “Why am I naked?”

“Alright.” Nezumi sat up. “You’re in a thought loop.”

“A what?”

“You keep saying and doing the same thing over and over, forgetting that you’ve already done it.”

“Really?” Shion looked nervous. “I am?”

“It’s okay, it happens to lots of people,” Nezumi reassured him quickly. “It’ll go away, we just need to break the cycle.”

“How?”

“Let’s have sex.”

“Oh yeah!” Shion laughed. “I remember.” He crawled onto Nezumi’s lap, leaning in to kiss him deeply.

Nezumi slid his hands down Shion’s sides, gripping his hips tightly as they ground their cocks together.

“Oh my god…” Shion moaned. “Everything feels so good.”

“You want me to fuck you?” Nezumi asked, his voice deepened with arousal.

“Yeah…” Shion was staring wildly at everything. “The room is spinning…”

“Are you okay?” Nezumi asked, concerned.

“Should I not be?” Shion asked back, equally concerned.

“No no no, you’re fine. Just making sure.” Nezumi didn’t want to spin him out into a bad trip or something.

“It’s amazing,” Shion said, grinning broadly. “What were we doing?”

“We’re trying to have sex, babe.” Nezumi looked up at him fondly. “You keep forgetting.”

Shion stared at him in shock. “You’ve never called me that before. I like it.”

Nezumi laughed uncomfortably. “Yeah, well I’m pretty fucked up too.” He reached out to a box of odds and ends, pulling out a bottle of lube. “You wanna do this?”

“Oh yeah!” Shion exclaimed. “Of course I do!”

“Great.” Nezumi squirted some of the lube onto his fingers, warming it up.  “I want you to have a good experience.”

“I’m having a great experience,” Shion sighed happily. “I want this feeling to last forever.”

Nezumi moved to massage Shion’s entrance with his slicked up fingers. “Just let yourself feel everything.”

Shion inhaled shakily, his eyes fluttering closed. “My heart is in my throat.”

Nezumi slipped a finger inside of him. “Mhm. Tell me how you feel.”

“There’s a euphoria building in my stomach. I might explode.” His voice was keening, and he breathed in short bursts.

Nezumi slid in another finger, fucking him slowly. “You feel so tight and good. I can’t wait to have you around me.”

“Do it,” Shion gasped. “Now.”

“You ready?”

“Yes!” He tilted his head forwards, riding Nezumi’s fingers.

Gently, Nezumi withdrew his fingers and lined himself up with Shion’s entrance. He pressed in slowly, and sparks went off behind his eyes. He groaned, feeling every inch of stretch and pull as he seated himself in Shion. They sat that way for a moment, unmoving, just feeling each other’s presence. Then, Shion rocked his hips.

“Ohhh my god,” Nezumi exclaimed feeling arousal pool like a deep pressure in his stomach.

Shion closed his eyes and stuck his fingers in his mouth, seemingly in a trance as he rocked his hips on top of Nezumi. He groaned low in his chest, breathing shallowly.

Nezumi gave back, rolling his hips up into him.

The mushrooms continued to spread into their systems, building them up to a peak. Nezumi could barely string a thought together, let alone a sentence, as his senses were overtaken by psychedelia and sex. “Shion… I… fuck… this is so…” He gave up on trying to communicate and resigned his dignity to a desperate moaning. “Ahh- yeah-  _ mmm!” _

Shion came first with his cock in his hand, muttering incoherently.

Eager to follow him over the edge, Nezumi flipped Shion onto his back and pounded into him until he too fell headfirst into a tunnel of white light that left him choking and out of his mind.

His eyesight was spinning out of control. Everything was morphing before him, and his head was so lost in the clouds he barely remembered what was going on. He reached for Shion’s hand in his confusion, needing to cling to something solid.

“Let’s go outside,” Shion piped up suddenly, drawing Nezumi out of his tailspin.

“Okay,” he muttered, mouth feeling full of cotton. “Put clothes on.”

“Okay.” Shion did as he was told, then helped Nezumi with his own dressing, which was somehow beyond Nezumi’s capabilities to do on his own.

“Are you okay?” Shion asked him.

Anxiety clenched in Nezumi’s gut. “Should I not be?”

“No, you’re fine. Let’s go outside.”

“Okay.” Nezumi followed him out. The bright sunny day and fresh air was exactly what he needed to understand what was happening to him. “I’m peaking.”

“Yeah. Strange, huh?” Shion grinned, staring at his hands. “Me too.”

“I love you more than heroin,” Nezumi said suddenly, a deep affection for the man in front of him squeezing his chest.

Shion laughed.

“I mean it,” Nezumi insisted, wanting his point to get across. “That means a lot, okay?”

Shion stopped laughing and nodded. “Okay. I love you too.”

Nezumi shook his head. “No, you don’t understand. I love every inch- every fiber of your body with a feeling so burning in me that it makes me want to cry.”

Shion stared at him like he’d gone crazy. “You’re fucked up.”

Nezumi shook his head, frustrated.  _ “I mean it!” _

“Okay, okay,” Shion calmed him like a spooked horse.

“It makes me sad that you think it’s just the drugs talking. Am I really so cold to you?” His heart contracted. “I want you to know that I love you. I want you to believe it more than anything else. Build the foundation of your world on one fact alone- nothing else about reality matters. Whether you’re hallucinating an entire other dimension or sitting right beside me, I want that one thing to be the core of your understanding. That I  _ love  _ you and I’ve always loved you and I always  _ will  _ love you. What do I have to do to make you believe me?”

Shion looked teary-eyed. “I… I do believe you.”

“You don’t believe me enough.” Nezumi clenched his fists. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life convincing you if that’s what it takes.

Shion dashed forwards and wrapped him in a hug. “I’m so glad you came back.” His voice shook and a tear rolled down his cheek. “I understand what you’re saying, love. You don’t have to worry.” He sighed. “I feel whole. For the first time in my life.”

Nezumi rubbed his back. “This feeling- take it with you. Don’t let it fade with the mushrooms. Hold onto it and remember it because you can bring it back when you’re sober.”

Shion nodded. “I will. I love you.”

“I  _ love  _ you!”

They stood in tight embrace for longer than either bothered to measure. Their sense of time was so distorted, it could have been anywhere from a moment to an hour. Either way, it felt right. Good. Like everything was finally coming together.

They were in for a long and happy life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter! But for now- bonus story!
> 
>  
> 
> A deep joy filled Shion from the ground up. His feet were sinking into the floor of his mother’s home, and he was expanding into the air around him. Outside, the stars were already out and his mother was hidden away in her bedroom with a book. But Shion was still in the bakery, taking in the sweet smell of pastries and bread.  
> He was getting wider and airyer, rising like the dough under towels on the table next to him. Everything was getting larger. He could feel the universe expanding.  
> The voices in his head were screaming. “Radiation! Fall out! Disaster!” His mouth hung open and he was drooling.  
> Around him, the air was deafening. It vibrated with a silent intensity, pressing heavily on his skin as he expanded. Still, he was happy.  
> Excitement at what was about to happen next consumed Shion. He wasn’t quite sure what WAS going to happen next, but whatever it was it was wonderful. Maybe the singularity. Maybe he would collapse into a black hole.  
> “Shion? Why are the lights on?” At first he thought it was one of the voices in his head, but the sound didn’t press on his ears in quite the same way. “Honey, are you okay?”  
> He was fine. Better than fine. But he couldn’t answer, not now. Not when something wonderful was about to happen.  
> “Okay, let’s go to the hospital.” Karan tugged on his arm and the bubble burst.  
> He came crashing back down to reality, and he was furious about it. “No!” He screamed, scrambling through the air for what he’d lost. “I was so close!”  
> “What? Okay, honey, follow me. Let’s go see the doctor.”  
> “I was going to see the end of the universe! The end of a collapsing star! Is that what this is? Is it all destined to end in despair?”  
> “You’re not making any sense. Do I need to call the crisis team or will you come with me peacefully?”  
> Shion kicked over a chair and Karan startled.  
> “Shion!”  
> “NO!” Shion wailed as she pressed a button on her wristband to call the crisis team. “I don’t want it!”  
> But there was no getting back that glorious feeling. His oneness with the universe was gone, possibly never to return. It had all been a hallucination, he knew, but what an amazing experience. He tried to calm himself down. “I’m fine now, Mom. Really. I don’t need to go to the hospital.”  
> Karan hesitated, her finger hovering over the screen. “Are you sure?”  
> “I’m sure. I know it was a hallucination. I’ll just take my meds and go to bed.”  
> “Okay.” She shut off her wristband hesitantly. “Just wake me up if you feel like something’s wrong.  
> “Okay.” Shion nodded. “I’m really tired. I’ll be off to bed now.”  
> “Okay, honey. Goodnight.”  
> “Goodnight.”


	20. Goodnight noises everywhere

Nezumi was meditating. He’d been having nightmares and he needed it to stop. It was something like three in the morning, and he’d woken up sweating from a dream in which he’d taken a hot shot and died in horrible pain. He could still feel the tingling in his veins.  
Therefore, he was sitting with his legs in half-lotus position, breathing slowly and steadily with his eyes half open and his hands in the cosmic mudra. It was something he’d learned as a kid.  
Their van was parked in a field in the woods, and Shion was supposed to be asleep. He stumbled out of the back of the van, however, half-awake.  
“What’re you doin’?” he mumbled, dropping down next to Nezumi.  
“Meditating.”  
“Why?”  
“Shh.” Nezumi redoubled his focus, trying to ignore the distraction.  
“My therapist told me to meditate. She was a Buddhist. Are you a Buddhist?”  
“All Mao are Buddhist.”  
“I didn’t know that.”  
“I’m busy.” Nezumi tried not to be too annoyed.  
“I never managed to meditate properly.” Shion ignored him. “How do you do it?”  
Nezumi opened his eyes all the way, defeated. “I sit.”  
“And do what?”  
“Nothing, I just sit.”  
“To what end?”  
“Sitting.” Nezumi glanced at Shion sideways. “You’re being very rude.”  
“Am I? Sorry.” He didn’t look very sorry. “Whatever happened to right livelihood?”  
Nezumi was surprised. “You know what that means?”  
“Yeah. I studied world religions a lot once No. 6 was opened. Trying to find myself I suppose. You’re a drug dealer, that’s not very with the Dharma.”  
“I never said I was a good Buddhist.” Nezumi uncrossed his legs. One of them had fallen asleep. “Ouch.” He rubbed his numb foot.  
“Why are you meditating?”  
“For meditating’s sake,” Nezumi lied, not really wanting to explain the nightmares.  
“But at three thirty, though. How long have you been out here?”  
“I guess about thirty minutes.”  
“Is this self-mortification?”  
“Buddhists don’t do that. You’re thinking of asceticism.” Nezumi wiggled his toes, cringing at the pins-and-needles feeling in them. “I supposedly follow the ‘Middle Way,’ no overindulgence, no denial of basic needs either. Searching for enlightenment.”  
“Oh. But why at three thirty in the morning, then?”  
Nezumi shrugged. “This is when I needed it.”  
“You’re hiding something. Whatever happened to right speech?”  
“You know more about my religion than I’d have expected.”  
“You’re dodging the question.”  
“Yeah, I don’t want to answer it.” Nezumi stood too soon and his sleeping leg almost gave out from under him. “I didn’t feel great, so I came out here. It’s not a crime.”  
“Everything else we do is.”  
“Just the one thing.”  
“I guess you’re right.” Shion stood too, rubbing his face sleepily. “Did you really meditate for a whole thirty minutes?”  
Nezumi smirked. “Yeah. And guess what else? I’ve meditated for an entire two weeks without break.”  
“Didn’t you get hungry?” Shion cocked his head.  
“I still ate food, dumbass. There’s more types of meditation than zazen.”  
Shion nodded in silence.  
“Let’s go for a walk.” He took Shion’s hand and pulled him along.  
“I don’t have my shoes,” Shion complained.  
“You don’t need them.”  
“We left the van unlocked,” Shion reminded him.  
“It’s fine.”  
They walked in silence under the full moon for a long time before Shion spoke. “The moon is beautiful.”  
“You’ve come a long way, Shion.” Nezumi said suddenly, realizing it.  
“So have you.” Shion smiled at him.  
“Sit with me.” Nezumi stopped walking. They were far from their van, in a small circle of trees. The moon seemed to peer down from directly over them, as if regarding them cooly from above.  
“Okay,” Shion said warily.  
They sat down on their knees, facing each other. “I’m going to tell you a story. Just listen and try to understand.”  
“Alright.” Shion looked at him suspiciously.  
Nezumi smiled. “Three young boys were sitting together outside.”  
“There’s only two of us here,” Shion pointed out.  
“Are there?” Nezumi grinned. “Who says I’m talking about us? Just listen.” He shifted where he sat and started again. “Three young boys were sitting together outside. The full moon was out, and it was beautiful. Between the three boys was a bowl full of water. One of them looked into the bowl and saw the reflection of the moon. He announced to his friends, ‘When the water is clear, the moon comes out.’  
“Now, a second boy nodded and said to him, ‘When the water is clear, the moon doesn’t come out.’ They all laughed. The third boy then kicked over the bowl of water, and their laughter doubled.” Nezumi scanned Shion’s confused face. “Do you understand?”  
“No.” Shion shook his head.  
“Just think about it,” Nezumi said with a smile. “It has a point.”  
“Is it a riddle?” Shion asked, and the perplexed expression on his face was incredibly funny.  
“Yeah. It’s a koan. Meditate with me.” Nezumi folded his legs in the half-lotus position.  
“Give me a hint,” Shion said, copying the position.  
Nezumi thought about it. “Zen is a finger pointing towards the moon.”  
“The moon again,” Shion protested. “What does that mean?”  
“Don’t kick your bowl and you’ll find out.”  
“Is that another hint?” Shion asked.  
Nezumi shrugged. “If you take it that way. Meditate with me.”  
“Okay. For how long?” Shion was squirming already.  
“As long as it takes.”  
Shion sighed. “Alright.”  
They sat in silence for only about five minutes before Shion huffed.  
“Relax,” Nezumi commanded.  
“I still don’t get it,” Shion complained.  
“You will. Don’t think so hard.”  
They managed to sit for another ten minutes.  
“When are we going to be done?”  
“When you have an answer for me.”  
They sat for another five minutes.  
“Is it that they’re saying it’s not the real moon? Just a reflection?” Shion asked. “So that’s why the third boy kicked over the bowl? To prove it?”  
“No.”  
They sat for another ten minutes.  
“Is it that-” Shion broke off with a yawn. “Um… Is it that-”  
“No,” Nezumi interrupted him. “Try again.”  
Shion grunted with frustration and fell silent.  
A few minutes later, Shion promptly fell over asleep on the ground.  
Nezumi nudged him. “Wake up.”  
“‘S a stupid riddle,” Shion mumbled. “I don’t get it.” Shion blinked his eyes open. “I’m tired.”  
“Sit through it. It’s important.”  
“Why?” Shion whined. “I thought asceticism wasn’t the Way?”  
“What is the Way?” Nezumi asked.  
“Not the bowl,” Shion insisted.  
Nezumi nodded. “Interesting point.”  
Shion pushed himself up. “Is it? Is that close to the answer?”  
“There isn’t just one answer. But you can prove to me you understand in as few as one word.” Nezumi lowered his eyes and resumed his meditation. “Sit for thirty five more minutes, then you can go to sleep.”  
Shion moaned. “I’m so fucking tired.”  
“Zen is a finger pointing towards the moon. What do you think would happen if you pointed at the moon to a cat?”  
“I have no idea.”  
“It might come up and lick your hand. But it certainly wouldn’t look to see the moon.”  
Shion was silent for a long moment. He folded his legs and lowered his eyes, an expression of concentration on his face.  
Nezumi smiled and cleared his mind.  
Minutes passed. Long, meditative minutes. Eventually Shion gasped.  
“Tell me!” Nezumi encouraged.  
Shion looked up and grinned. “Splash!”  
Nezumi burst out laughing. “Yes! Yes! You got it!” He crawled forward and wrapped Shion in a hug that knocked them both to the ground. “You got it.”  
Shion was laughing too. “That was hard!”  
“But now you understand. Want to go to bed?”  
“No,” Shion said. “I want to sit more.”  
Nezumi nodded. “Sounds good.”  
They sat until sunrise, and the moon dipped below the horizon. As the sunset hit it’s peak of beauty, Shion stretched out his legs and stood.  
“Let’s go check on the van.”  
“Okay.” Nezumi stood too, wobbling a little. “Both my legs are asleep.”  
“Mine too. But I’m awake.”  
“Me too. Finally.” Nezumi took Shion’s hand. “My little Bodhisattva.” He grinned. “I love you so much.”  
Shion rolled his eyes. “You’re delirious from lack of sleep.”  
“Yeah.” Nezumi nodded. “But I still love you.”  
They had to walk for thirty minutes to get back to their van. It was untouched, luckily, as they had left it unlocked and open.  
“The forest is noisy if you listen,” Shion acknowledged.  
“It’s doing its thing.” Nezumi nodded. “Everything is noisy if you listen. But everything is right if you just hear.”  
“Huh. You’re full of wisdom today.” Shion let go of his hand and went to rummage through their icebox.  
“Splash,” Nezumi said back.  
“What was your answer when you were asked that riddle?” Shion asked, pulling a bag of grapes out of the icebox.  
“I said enlightenment is- and before I could finish a monk knocked me to the ground by smacking me with a stick. Your answer is perfect. You wouldn’t have gotten hit.”  
“How old were you?”  
“Four.”  
“Oh no!” Shion looked distraught as he popped a grape into his mouth. “And they hit you?”  
“That’s the way it was.”  
“That’s mean.”  
“But it worked.” Nezumi shrugged. At the time, he remembered feeling humiliated. But he had learned his lesson, and the memory had stuck. That was good enough for him.  
“What’s your answer now?” Shion ate another grape and offered the bag to Nezumi.  
He took it, considering. “Now I think I’d say no water, no moon.” He ate a grape contentedly.  
Shion considered this. “Emptiness?”  
“Purely. But I like ‘splash’ better.” He checked the time. “We have a delivery to make.”  
“How much are we selling?”  
“Four ounces today. That’ll be enough to survive on for the next few weeks, wouldn’t you say?”  
Shion agreed.  
“Great. Let’s get going.” They hopped in the van and turned over the engine.  
“On to the next adventure,” Shion smiled.  
All was well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y’all! Cassady here. I want to thank you for reading my story and for all the lovely comments I’ve received! This story has now drawn to a close, and I hope you found it satisfying. We’ve certainly been on a journey together, and I had a lot of fun! One last bonus story here to close out the book, then we’ll be done for real. Thanks again!
> 
> On a gentle swing on the porch of a small cottage on a hill surrounded by trees sat Shion and Nezumi. No. 4 had changed a lot since they’d moved there twenty five years ago, and so had they. Soon, their guests would be arriving for dinner, a family reunion.  
> Little Shion arrived first, carrying a bag of food. He probably shouldn’t be called little Shion anymore, and in fact he hated the clarifier, but it was the easiest way to distinguish between the two, so the name was stuck.  
> Shion went to help him with the food. “Remember when you used to do this for me every day?”  
> “Barely,” Little Shion replied. “I was young.”  
> “So was I…” Shion sighed. “But as youth fades wisdom grows. I wouldn’t go back to that time for anything.”  
> Inukashi arrived next, looking as grumpy as usual with three dogs in tow.  
> Nezumi looked at the dogs distrustfully. “Dog. And dogs.”  
> “These are nice.” Inukashi assured reluctantly. “They won’t bite you unless I tell them to.”  
> “Small comfort,” Nezumi grumbled.  
> Karan followed by Rikiga arrived next, and their party was complete.  
> Karan kissed Shion on the cheek. “How are you doing, sweetheart?”  
> “Really good, Mom.” Shion smiled as they all sat down to dinner. “I’ve been working on a new community outreach program at the hospital. Should get the patients out there doing stuff.”  
> “That’s so great! I bet when you were living there you never thought you’d get this far.”  
> “It’s thanks to a lot of great doctors.” Shion passed out plates.  
> “And how are things going at the temple, Nezumi?” Karan asked.  
> “I still can’t believe you’re a Buddhist priest,” Inukashi quipped. “From one extreme to the other, huh? You’re easily changeable for one so adamant about his positions.”  
> Nezumi ignored the jab. “We’re reaching out to addicts by establishing a new recovery program. We have six members so far.”  
> “So you’re both working on new projects! That’s great.” Karan looked teary-eyed. “You’ve both come so far.”  
> They dug into their food, happy to be together. It was only every so often that they were able to have a gathering like this. They were now scattered across the globe, with Inukashi living in No. 1. So it was good to get back to the old ways, even if just for a day or two.  
> Things were going great in Nezumi and Shion’s lives. After all drugs had been legalized, their business failed and sent them back into the arms of an honest life. It turned out to be for the best, however, as Shion had been sane enough to return to government, and Nezumi wise enough to take the precepts and become a Bhikkhu. It certainly made them both happier to live this way, though they still looked back on their days in the van with a romantic fondness.  
> Life had moved on, sweeping them along with it. They put to rest their old selves, and lived reincarnate in this new world. Better, happier, healthier.


End file.
